Am I being unreasonable? (long)

[mummygow]

Dh and I seperated 6 and a half weeks ago, it started off o.k, but now it's like hell on earth!! I feel like he is trying to control my life through the kids. He was supposed to come to my house on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday after work to feed the kids and put them to bed (his idea, not mine). He finishes at 3.30/4pm but wasn't coming until 5.30/6pm (kids go to bed at 7pm) - it started with him working late and then him saying he wanted to go home and get washed and changed.

For the first 2 weekends he wasn't anywhere in sight and so we decided he was to come to my house, again, every second weekend and I would stay with my mum whilst he had the children. So he did this once and then the next time told me he could only take them on the Saturday night to Sunday as he was working on the Friday night. We had a row as he say's he needs the money but up until we seperated he was doing next to no overtime and in his work you volunteer for overtime!!

Then on Sunday I asked him if he could stay at my house until 9pm as I wanted to go out with my mum and he was really horrid and said no.

Well anyway now we are having such a fight about when he see's the children - his suggestion

Mon, Wed, Fri 4.30 - 7.30 and every Saturday from 12noon unless working (which as far as I am understanding will be often)

my suggestion

Mon, Wed, Fr 4.30 - 7,30 and every second weekend Friday 4.30 - Sunday 4.30 (managing his overtime around the kids instead of arraning the kids around his overtime)

He is not happy with this and to emphasise he is the one making the big hooha about seeing his kids's and missing them.

So is my suggestion unreasonable, I feel that if we alternate weekend he will have a rest from his job and be able to have a whole weekend to himself without guilt and I will have a break from the Kids every fornight to recharge my batteries.

So the question is - are my suggestions unreasonable to his?

I don't think thats unreasonable at all - you are compromising from his proposed timetable (weekdays were what he suggested) to something that will give him more continuous time with them but still sticking to alot of what he first suggested.

Maybe he's finding the separation difficult and doesn't want to fall into too easy a routine incase it becomes too settled (don't know who instigated split up but this may be a factor)...

Hi. Am no expert on these matters, but thought I'd reply just to let you know that someone has read your message!!

Your separation is very recent, and so there must be a lot of hurt on both sides at the moment. It must be difficult to make these sorts of decisions right now. I don't know why you decided to split up, or whether you feel particularly 'wronged' by your partner - if you do, it would be tempting not to cooperate with him in order to 'get back' at him. However, at the end of the day, however bad you feel at the moment, you will one day be happy again, and you need to focus on what is best for your kids at present.

If they are old enough, perhaps you could ask them what they would prefer (although you would have to be careful not to raise their hopes of seeing their Dad whenever they prefer as he sounds a bit unreliable at the moment). On the other hand, if they are very young, a whole weekend away from you might be really difficult for them to handle.

As it is early days, you could go along with what your partner suggests for a period of time - and tell him that you agree to it on the understanding that you review the situation in X months. If you can, agree your plans in writing (just incase things get sticky later!)

Unfortunately loads of fathers simply lose contact with their kids when the relationship with the mother breaks down. If the father is violent etc, then this might be a desirable outcome. However, if your partner is a good father (whatever that is), then maybe you should do what you can to facilitate the on-going relationship between him and your children.

I know that it is really hard to let someone else appear to call the shots - especially if they have let you down and hurt you - but it is really early days, and you need to pick your battles carefully. Whether he sees them every Saturday, or every other weekend, wouldn't be so crucial to me. I'd be more worried about him promising to see the kids at given times, and then letting them down.

Hope these thoughts help. And hope you are not feeling too sad about it all.

Oh mummygow
Your requests don't seem unreasonable but does your x need to do more overtime to support 2 homes?

Everything sounds so new and raw and just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope you can both resolve the dilemma without getting too angry.

Hopefully someother mumsnetters will give you some moere advice.

Thank you for your advice.

It was me who wanted to seperate, we have a dd who is 3.10 and a ds who is 6 months and to be honest dh was just an added baby (our problems are not new I'm just fed up trying to sort them out), he didn't help much and moaned a lot. But he loves his children, infact adores them, very much and they adore him, dd worships him - they are to young to understand and we just tell her that daddy is working away/overtime/nightshift (well that's what he keeps telling me ).

mummygow,
Since it was you who decided to leave him, I feel that he is trying to get back at you by not agreeing with your arrangements. He won't take the children over the weekend because that would enable you to go out! He wouldn't like that.

Frankly I would insist on the arrangements that you made from the outset because I feel he is just being petty about the weekends. Can you involve a third party to mediate this? I agree you need every second weekend to have a break from the kids and that's fair enough, you also need a chance to go out and see friends. He is better able to function in the role of the father, if he has the kids with him, bathes and feeds them and has them in his home. A mediator would see that too.

my ex has one tea time per week, every other weekend and half the school holidays. both your suggestions seem reasonable, i can understand why he would want to see them every weekend, but i also understand why you want more time off!

is it possible he is scared of having the kids on his own for the whole weekend?it might also be that a weekend is a long time not to see the kids

however it does sound like you need to make more definate arrangements as it will end up hurting the kids more than either of you if they dont have some sort of routine established. do you have a solicitor or have you considered mediation? if neither, i would recommend putting down in writing what you both agree to and then keep a diary of any problems such as him turning up late or arranging overtime when he should have the kids.

it also might be worth trying out both ways to see which works best. give it a month of his way (keep him sweet by letting him go 1st!) and then a month of your way. get him to sign an agreement to prove he is willing to try (you do the sme so he has the same guarantee). if you have something in writing it is harder to wriggle out of it and he may also feel a bit happier that he is still going to be an important part of their lives

do be wary of asking him to babysit - my ex sil told my ex he was a glorified babysitter and it stirred up a huge amount of trouble, he wont want to feel like he is doing you too many favours while its still raw

I don't think your suggestion is unresonable. What about his parents could/would they help him if he find he just has to do over time.

I think that he needs to put the children first and not knowing if he will be working late etc doesn't help with their routine.

thanks for the replies, he seems to have calmed down over the last couple of days (not agreed to anything yet). It is his turn with the kids tonight from 4.30 - 7.30 but he has asked if dd can go and stay with him tonight at his mums, I have said yes as long as when it's his turn next week he doesn't say no because he had dd tonight. He has also asked if I can come back early so he has more time with dd.

I also aked if he would take the kids to his mums next week as it was an ideal oppertunity for me to clean house from top to bottom but he said no he wants to save up for a cot first but I said we have a travel cot and he said no he wasn't putting ds in there all weekend. I said, so you wont look after ds then but nothing was really resolved.

So do you think I should just let him watch them in my house, just feel that I could relax in my house instead of having to look for something to do (especially when there is zillion things needing done in the house) and really love my mum and dad but dont really want to spend every second weekend with them!!

Where is he living ? I don't see why you should have to move out every time he sees the children.
Can he not get a second hand cot and buy a new mattress or is this just a stalling tactic. Is he affraid to have ds on his own.

He is living at his mums and he has the 2 bedrooms upstairs to himself as his mum sleeps downstairs. He is not afraid of having ds on his own as he has had them 2 weekends out of the 7 weeks we have been apart. I think he enjoys getting away from his mum for a while tbh. But that doesn't help me.

i would be careful not to get on the slippery slope of letting him have them one at a time. when exactly does he plan to have them both? could you find a cheap second hand cot for him so he has no excuse?

So if he wants to get away from his mum maybe he should find a flat or something. Really thats his problem not yours.