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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OMG I have just discovered.........

11 replies

needtoask · 10/05/2006 20:04

a friend of mine( a male) in the past year has been the victim of a violent partner.
He was ashamed to tell me as he loves her, should this be tolerated, I think not, need to ask what other mnetters may think.

OP posts:

Donbean · 10/05/2006 20:07

Should not be tolerated no BUT you need to tread very very carefully with this, stand back a bit and think things through carefully and rationally.
What are you planning to do with this information from your friend?

SenoraPostrophe · 10/05/2006 20:09

well, no, violence shouldn't be tolerated whether it's from a woman or a man.

As it goes though I don't believe that one act of violence will necessarily be followed by more and more violence. You don't say what or how often the violence was. It does make a difference.

schneebly · 10/05/2006 20:09

I think domestic violence is totally unacceptable whether the abuser or abusee is male or female. Abuse is abuse.

Original poster

needtoask · 10/05/2006 20:15

I agree donbean, I advised him to end the relationship and he got very defensive, as to theextent of the abuse, I was told it started as verbal abuse then in the past few months has lead to bruising, scratching etc. tbh this is alcohol related iyswim.

OP posts:

Turquoise · 10/05/2006 20:15

It happens a lot more than people think, he shouldn't be ashamed.

SenoraPostrophe · 10/05/2006 20:17

well you've done all you can. I'd have told him to end it too.

sobernow · 10/05/2006 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donbean · 10/05/2006 20:22

Possibly he has told you this because he wants some one to actually talk to, who will listen to him.
He may not want your opinion or advice at the mo, just for you to listen.
He probably knows that he should end the relationship and may well do that but when he is ready, and only then.

Original poster

needtoask · 10/05/2006 20:34

Yes you are right, he does need someone to listen, it is difficult not to become opinionated in the circumstances.

OP posts:

madrose · 10/05/2006 20:35

My Dbro was a victim of violence - wouldn't think it - big bloke and used to box. But she abused him mentally and physically he wasn't allowed to talk to his twim sister or my parents. he got in touch with me, when he though the only way out was to drive into a tree. All I could do, was to listen, offer him love and shelter, and for a while he was back and forth from my house to her (60 miles away).

I tried hard not to say anything at the time but I was so angry .

When he stayed with me I showed him there was more to life that the narrow existence he was living with her - not allowed to watch TV or read newspaper, she would watch him at work to see who he talked too. I encouraged him to apply to Uni, (actually I took him to the applications office and filled the form out for him!) Once he settle in, with me and uni he told me everything that she did, I wanted to kill her, from that moment I went all out to help him to get her out of his life - he might not have exactly wanted my help, but I told him 'you can't tell me things like that and expect me to sit back - would you'.

it helped that she kept promising to change, but after several false 'restarts' she didn't.

Violence in any relationship is wrong, he never once hit her (felt like it) and I wouldn't be happy with him if he was violent towards a partner.

With your friend, it's a delicate area, but maybe he told you as a plea for help. There are organisations that he could get in touch with.

It will help him if you are there for him. Hope he gets things sorted.

Donbean · 10/05/2006 20:42

I absolutely agree, it is hard not to form an opinion in these circumstances and it puts you in a very difficult position,
However, i feel strongly that you need to be a listening ear and some one he can turn to for understanding.
The opportunity to really help on a practical level will present itself in time, be patient.
Its important for your own peace of mind that you let him know that you think it isnt right.
You have done this, now allow him to lead.

Sorry i sound full of it dont i but ive recently been in this situation and did all that i have advised you and it is the safest and most constructive option IMHO.
HTH

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