I'm crap at being single and I know nothing of men.......some wisdom please

[crappysingleton]

Short backstory, i've been divorced for 1 year after DH had an affair. I haven't so much as even wanted to look at a man since.

In January I realised that I was for want of a better word...bloody horny . I had a think about it and realised that I wasn't at all looking for a relationship (I don't want to be committed to anyone and didn't want anyone committed to me, DH did a real number on me and i'm not at all ready to trust another man).

So literally the next week I meet an unbelievably good looking man in the local gym and we are exchanging eye contact etc....over the next few weeks we start talking and he asks for my number. We chat for a bit over text/phone and he has also just come out of a relationship. We discuss that we are both just interested in some fun with no drama/commitment....basically the fun bits.

Since then we have been sleeping with each other on a fairly regular basis (once/twice a week)....we don't track each others comings and goings and frequently go without texting for a few days (just what I was after really). I enjoyed the excitment of having a new sexual relationship but also still enjoying my new single life.

Here comes the next bit......last Thurs he text to see if I was free that weekend, I said yes but I had my period so we would have to do other stuff ..he follows that up with great looking forward to [insert filth here] i'll see you soon. Then less than 24 hrs later I get this "Hi X, sorry but our fun will have to finish, i've met someone else and I really like her, hope this is ok with you, see you around"....

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I'm upset and I feel like I shouldn't be because we both knew the situation. I'm not upset about the someone else, I think i'm upset because it was so out of the blue and less than 24 hrs after the other text? Am I missing something really obvious here? I acutally feel quite hurt and I'm surprised because I didn't feel like I had invested anything emotional in him...tbh I feel like someone has taken a really really fun toy away ...and I also feel a bit stupid that I am so bothered.

Does anyone have any advice? or insight?....

Thanks for reading!

Also should add that I managed to maintain some dignity and just replied "ok er no problem, it wasn't anything serious, see you around"

I'm clinging onto the dignity and not texting him back to say what the fuck just happened here!

Did you think that you were exclusive?

No not at all...we didn't talk about other people but it wasn't implied on either side that we were

Well, it sounds as if you dealt with it well

I wish I could meet good-looking men! It sounds as if you can pick them, I am sure you won't be single for long. I can relate to the hurt feeling though but do cling on to the dignity as you did show it, absolutely. It's possible an ex may have got back in touch or similar?

Well tbh it sounds perfectly mornial in these no strings arrangments.

At some point one party will just stop it, at least he told you rather than just cutting you off and never replying to your texts again.

I have sent similar texts to no strings sex buddies, along the lines of "thanks for all the fun, I'm calling it a day now". Sometimes done because I felt myself getting attached, sometimes done because the novelty had worn off or whatever.

Don't beat yourself up about it, just be more prepared next time, arrangements like these always come to an end.

Totally normal that you are bothered, you were not expecting it!

Thank you, yes the dignity was important to me after everything that happened with DH. In fact i've just deleted his number so i'm not tempted to text!

You seem overly determined to convince anyone listening that you just wanted the fun and no commitment - I suspect you're protesting too much.

You've got a bit too attached to him when this is nothing but a rebound fuck for him (without realising, I think.) You do have my sympathy, it's going to hurt, but he's not so much into you. Maintain your dignity, wish him well, delete his number, move on.

If you weren't exclusive it's possible that he met someone else. I think it is good that he told you and didn't string you and this other person along.

Thanks OMDB, i'm slightly rubbish at being single so its good to know that this isn't unusual for these kinds of things.

haha thanks Mardy, blunt but to the point which was actually just what I needed. I love the book 'he's just not that into you'....I think its due a re-read!

Ha you already did! Go girl

He didn't do anything wrong. You responded exactly like you should have.

If you still feel the same (upset) in a few days then maybe have a think about whether a fuck buddy/FWB relationship really is for you. A lot of people think they can handle that type of thing but ultimately end up feeling a bit shit about it.

I didn't know there was a book, I'm off to check it out on ebay!!!

It is brilliant....I wish I could give it to friends without offending them...

My favorite quote on men not calling....

"Busy is just another word for asshole, asshole is another word for the man your dating...you deserve a fucking phone call"

DrG is totally right.

Great quote, they should make quotes like that in those block letters you can hang in your bathroom, instead of 'love' or 'calm' or similar crap.

You did really well keeping your dignity - I'm impressed (and probably wouldn't have done myself ). I can understand why you were upset - it felt like a bit of a rejection because even though you weren't in love with him, you wanted him to be more into you rather than some other random woman. It's natural to feel a bit competitive and want to be "the best" in these situations. But probably this other woman was just more ready for a relationship than you were, and he was more ready than he thought or admitted. You sound lovely and I'm sure it's nothing personal about you.

I wouldn't even bother texting him back, that really shows what you think of him and will annoy him .

However, it does remind me of Catherine Tate's character, bovvered, me not bovvered, etc. Having sex with someone is a relationship, however "casual". I think women have been persuaded into the benefits of hook-up culture, without fully realising the pitfalls.

but I think it shows the physical and emotional disrespect that men in these dealings dish out. And whether we like it or not, women need to try and protect themselves by taking their time to get to know the man to ensure is not a jerk. Lets face it, at least prostitutes get paid .

Understand that hornyness is a real issue. But I think self-integrity and respect trumps that. Going without sex can be frustrating, but it is rarely destructive and damaging.

Feel free to disagree...

I completely get why you would feel crap about it - it's not so much the finishing it as the fact he'd just asked you to get together at the weekend a day before. He obviously didn't meet her within that 24 hours!!

Completely agree that he didn't do anything wrong but not surprised it's left you feeling a bit rubbish. It'll pass though.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking I need to join the gym!

He could have told you he was seeing/interested in someone else but he decided not to despite then relying the fact that you both understood it was a NSA arrangement. You are probably more miffed at the deception as that robbed you of a bit of prep time. He most likely didnt want to tell you cos he didnt want you looking elsewhere. Thats a bit sly. Better off without of course but I suspect if things dont work out he will be texting you again so you might just need to decide how you want to play that. Its a jungle out there.

Lots of great advice, thanks all!

Yes yes yes, if I hadn't of heard from him for a few days then got the text it wouldn't of been as bad as do you want to hook up/we can't see each other anymore.

I will have a think if this kind of thing is suitable for me...I think it is really. I really enjoyed myself (the texting and the sex etc) and I suppose I just wasn't ready for such an abrupt end to things!

As to if he texts again...I don't think I will reply. I'm quite a tough cookie now after DH and I don't really like being on anyones string!

You sound bloody good at being single to me! It is a shame that this ended, but it sounds like you have your head screwed on, and will find what you need with someone else before too long!