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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex's family have ostracised me; my family is nice to him...

23 replies

notthesamenametoday · 01/04/2013 01:32

...and like a child in the playground I want to shout: 'It's not fair!'

DH was EA. Years of misery. I called time last year and he is very 'poor me'. If he'd been a bit nicer to me I'd have stayed with him forever, so it's a bit off to be so aggrieved really.

His family have ostracised me completely which feels shit after 15 years.

My family see him and he's all over them. It really pisses me off. He is often up their way with our kids and my parents treat him just the same as when we were together.

I want everything to be 'least worst' for the kids' sake. My family are behaving in the right way and his are not. But I feel so bitter about it. For myself and because I think they should be civil to me so it's not awkward for my children.

They act like I'm dead to them; not a single Christmas card. I sent them, and wrote in them. No acknowledgement - would have been easy for them as my birthday is three weeks after Christmas.

It feels so horrible and so upsetting. I wish I could let go and not care. But I can't. I feel infuriated, cry, lose sleep over it.

OP posts:

retvet · 01/04/2013 01:57

sorry to hear. I don't expect you to take heed of this but if he is EA then he learnt it somewhere so try not to be surprised. Try and imagine 10 years further forward. Its early days. You don't have to worry about them. I've struggled with EA too and others judgements. Some of what i did was unhelpful. It is most important to live with yourself and in 10 years will it matter? you obviously had different values. Keep away form such childish people for your own mental health. Accept the rejection as you have no control over it and just be glad your own parents are more loving which is why you recognise it as hurtful behaviour. Be proud of that. I had my sister in law complaining to me how bad my husband was after we split and I didn't like that. He spends more time in her house with her kids than his own. EA is tough. You could try woman's trust as somewhere to look for comfort.
Be strong. It'll be tough but you will pull through if you keep focussed on where you are going and try your best to give your kids good values. that's all you can do.

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 02:00

That's awful. How annoyed are you about the fact that your parents are welcoming them and he is popping in there regularly?

Verbalpunchbag · 01/04/2013 02:05

People like that aren't worth your tears. I've got an ex who's family, and many of her friends, disliked me throughout our relationship and didn't hide it very well! I could never understand what i'd done to make them feel that way. It was only after the split when i happened to mention it to her best mate, who i always got on well with, that i found out she used to tell them stories of how i was some kind of controlling maniac. Her best mate explained that she'd never had a problem with me because she knew the truth, what making up stories achieved i still don't know!

So i'd assume he's told his family your to blame for the break up and they've taken his side, don't lose any sleep over it, it's not worth it.

Bogeyface · 01/04/2013 02:39

if he is EA then he learnt it somewhere so try not to be surprised

This.

I am sure that if you think about it, there were times when they treated you badly when you were together.

You and your family are doing the right thing, his are not, its not fair but which family would you rather be a part of? Which family would you rather your children learnt from?

Grinkly · 01/04/2013 02:54

I hope you can move on and reduce contact with these shits. But as stated above he has learned this ea from somewhere.

Try to look to the future, your DCs will not always be young and dependent and as they grow will be able to decide themselves who they want to spend time with. They will know you have always been there for them.

Look to YOUR future too. Life will not always be like this.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2013 03:12

My exH's family have done this to me ever since we separated, since about a year before that date actually..

I consider it no loss. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, etc. They are all welcome to one another.

My mum was gutted on my behalf and for years I had to beg her not to send them any sort of letter tearing rashers off them for being such boors. They are not worth her stamp.

HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 07:32

I suppose it depends what he has told them about you doesn't it?

Adults however should put gossip to one side in the interests of cordiality.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 01/04/2013 10:01

It is very small minded and what they don't seem to realise is that children pick up on this and it's very upsetting and confusing for them.

My inlaws refused point blank to pick up their GD who lives with their ex-dil about 10 mins away from them, to bring to my son's birthday party (we live 100 miles away).

Just beggars belief.

flurp · 01/04/2013 10:16

My ex was an alcoholic and when we were together his family and I were close. His brother used to say I was too good for him and he didn't know how I put up with it all bla bla bla. His sister used to offer me a bed when I couldn't face going home when he was drunk and abusive.
When I finally left him they all closed ranks and I became the enemy! I think they felt disloyal for taking my side. Sadly when he stopped seeing our DD they all did too and she has a whole family who she doesn't know now.

12 years on and my DD couldnt care less about any of them and I think they did me a favour. It made it easier to make a clean break and move on. His parents have both died now and I feel a bit sad that they never knew their beautiful granddaughter but its their loss!

sandiy · 01/04/2013 11:06

Mine are just like this too in laws that is.Its like I did nt exist.I guess they believe the lies Out financial problems were all my fault etc interesting that he's the one who lives in a shit hole and does nt pay maintenance I expect he tells them it's because all his money goes to me ha ha.
I m sad though that eighteen years are wiped out so easily.
My family on the other hand want to kill him so that's better than your situation.Just tell your family the truth and they will come to realise he is a twat.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 01/04/2013 11:11

Mine did this at the start and it made me raging.

Now 6 years nearly 7 down the line they have had a few experiences with him where they see him for what he is.

They still be pleasant to him for the sake of the kids but it's not the all over him it used to be.

Hissy · 01/04/2013 11:41

Why is your family giving even the time of day to someone who abused you? I get the stuff 'for the sake of the Dc' but no more than this. Otherwise, his treatment of you is almost rubberstamped in the eyes of your children.

He's an abuser, his family taught him to be. He's all over your family to undermine YOU and to protect the image he has so carefully crafted.

Minimise the effects this person has on your family.

ZoeZoolander · 01/04/2013 11:55

my family civil and no more to x. his family send abusive letters to me still. and years have past since i left. my xfil has sent me two xmas cards with abusive (typed) letters tucked inside. i ignore them now. that annoys them. i wish they had cut me off!!! id have permission to ignore them. you will stop caring what they think in time. your own family need to know that they need only be civil and polite to him. let them kbow that any more makes u feel uncomfortable, and as tho their loyalty to him is more than it is to you. "and that cant be right can it???"

springyhippychick · 01/04/2013 12:05

I'd watch your family iiwy. My ex was all over my family and they all went over to his side in the end. I put up with it initially because it looked like my family was being reasonable but he got to them in the end. I had to make an ultimatum to my mum: him or me. It was very awkward and upsetting. She reluctantly complied but she was the only one out of the whole family.

Just like he learnt his ways somewhere, so did you. It's not an accident that you ended up with an abuser (not a very popular thought but there we go). YOu both learnt it somewhere.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2013 12:06

People seem to think that because someone isn't EA to them, that they aren't EA at all. They also think it's not as bad as DV.

I would have a very hard word with your parents, if I were you, and tell them that whilst I was glad they were civil to him, they should bear in mind how he treated you while he was with you.

As for his family - well, nobody who is EA likes being called on it, do they? Please don't tell me they were decent, kind, honest and friendly people to you throughout your relationship with their son - I'd find that very, very hard to believe.

ZoeZoolander · 01/04/2013 18:40

Totally agree with IB.

On the surface my x's family were ok to me while i was with their son, but actually, they never respected me. His father thought he could flatter me into coming back to their son. he told me I didn't look xx age. I said, well, if I don't now I will soon. He thought I'd simper andsay thank you. Then he tried a different tac. (sp?) Well, as you are xx age with two small children it won't be easy to get out there and meet somebody new. Maniupulative nasty man. Like a pp said, these abusers learn it from their masters.

Original poster

notthesamenametoday · 06/04/2013 18:54

Oh dear. Thanks for replies everyone.

Ex is at my parents today with our kids. My sister and her little one there too. Rang up and my mum cooking dinner for them all. I just feel incensed. I've been ranting and raging on the phone to my mum (who think's ex's lot have treated me like shit) and ex. Haven't been very controlled.

Am now sat here in a real state. I am so lonely, always on my own. I ended the marriage, everyone is making such an effort with ex because he is 'the injured party'. No one feels sorry for me, or acknowledges that it is all painful for me, my marriage ending.

I almost wish I'd stayed with him.

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 06/04/2013 18:58

Tell your mum not to have him over. It's really disloyal

2rebecca · 07/04/2013 20:59

I think your family are the ones behaving oddly not his. Fine for them to still entertain him if it was an amicable split but if you've told them about the emotional abuse and they still have him round for dinner I'd be getting angry with them and avoiding them.
It's rather odd that your ex wants to spend Sunday with your relatives though.
You need to look at finding activities to do when you don't have the kids on weekends so you don't feel sorry for yourself or get upset about what your ex and parents are doing though.

2rebecca · 07/04/2013 21:01

Just realised it was yesterday and Saturday not Sunday, I still think it's odd for a bloke to be so keen to relly visit though, or perhaps I'm just attracted to antisocial men.

Pannacotta2013 · 08/04/2013 01:04

Why are your family spending time with him? Why are they welcoming him in and feeding him? I'd be outraged too!

Hissy · 08/04/2013 08:29

Sadly, this is Not üncommon, it's The fact that they prefer To appease The Person that harmed US that hurts so much.

My Mum did similar. I recently told her how i felt let Down by Them all and that I was distancing myself from them as they can't be trusted to do the best for me.

Ok, it went weird, and words are cheap, but it's early days. I don't hold out any hope, as I'm just not important enough to them to bother with my feelings.

This is not about us though, it's about them.

Think about how you'd feel if someone hurt your kids, as we have been?

There. Now you know what you were entitled to, a warrior mother/father. Not some 'oh come in EvilBastard, can I get you a flaming cuppa?

Detach. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Part of the cause of you falling prey to that abuser is your upbringing. They are similar people. They don't like to see others strong and happy around them.

I know it hurts like crazy to accept this, but once you've processed it a bit, you will find strength you never knew you had.

Mother2many · 09/04/2013 15:13

Totally agree with IB, and Hissy..

Talk to your parents. He is part of your PAST, their PAST... Time to cut the ties. Doing things to be socialable is one thing... (saying small chit chat, during exchanges etc...)

However, you can't tell them how to behave...you can't control their actions. Even if it hurts you...

Talk, be honest, and let it go.... (hugs)

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