You don't need to read this, I just need to type it out.

[LeucanTheMopsis]

Because... although I'm trying very hard not to engage with my ex, which will just end up a you said/he said circular bout of frustration, the flipside of that is when do I ever get to say what I am feeling.

He lets loose every now and then, and I get another email implying that having thought about it, the time when I did [whatever it was], he's concluded I was probably just doing [something nasty, deceitful or selfish] wasn't I, and he offloads about how awful he's feeling, and how heartless I am to just be getting on with it.

And I read some of the nicer examples on here, and think how comfortable it must be to have a partner who doesn't go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on at you all the time, getting you to defend and justify yourself.

Well I've just had another batch, so here is my list of things I would like to scream to the heavens, but have to keep to myself because we are not together any more and there is no point saying these things to him:

No, I didn't have an affair any of the times you accused me of it although you did it appears

No, I didn't 'coincidentally' dump you when I found a new job (implying what? I was keeping you around in case I wanted money?) - we had split up six months before I even applied.

No, I am not seeing someone else, and repeatedly telling me I am won't make it any more true.

We split up because you were violent to me. Because you were angry, aggressive, spiteful.

Yes, I know you were stressed. That has fuck all to do with it. I was in the same boat AND had to live with your shouting and raging and punching the doors in.

No, I am not mad. Nor am I being horrible to you. I am just not responding to emails other than the practical stuff.

No, I do not want vouchers through the post. I didn't send them back to make a spiteful 'point', but because you probably need them.

No, I don't know how much you loved me. Probably because you never actually showed it. Probably because you showed me the sort of behaviour you would use for people you despised.

No, I haven't been in contact with your ex.

No, I am not dead from the neck down, I just ceased finding you very attractive when you were bellowing in my face.

No, I am not 'punishing' you if I end a conversation because you're getting angry and incoherent.

No, I am not neurotic, and neither are my pets purely through proximity to me .

No, I don't have to try to trust you. You're twice my size and you think it's ok to physically bully me. Even my amazing intellect creaked into action to tell me that I probably wasn't going to be able to fix this when the police were round for the third time.

Those slaps on the arse hurt. And every time I said so, you just did it harder the next time. I had to sidle around my own fucking home.

"I know that in the brief spells when I've treated you properly and not been acting like a selfish arse, nobody has ever made me feel happier than you.". Brief spells? I look back and I could cry my heart out at the effort I put in.

No, wait, I've already done that.

I read a thread earlier talking about 80% of something versus 100% of nothing. Nothing? Being able to come back to your own home without fretting about what mood one is going to encounter, or what 'wrong' one has done that day, is not 'nothing'. It's bloody well everything.

Thank you Leucan, your words sound like you were just in my kitchen listening to Him. The pet thing - I've had that. Dogs spot a dodgy mood straight away.

You are amazing

Hi Leucan

You're doing brilliantly getting away from him. I split from my abusive XH years ago, but it took a while for him to leave my head, if you see what I mean.

It's a mess though, Inertia, because he promises he'll never do it again. But if he has the self control to be able to promise such a thing, why the hell didn't he exercise it at the time. So he either does, but didn't want to, or doesn't, so can't promise anything.

Either way, I'm not going to find out.

Sorry to hear that, Chaos - what's happening?

Sunny, I keep remembering the hurtful things he said whenever he wanted to lash out - and the occasional 'I didn't mean it' that might come afterwards. 'Didn't mean it'? Of course he meant it - he might be implying he doesn't really think what he said was true, but he certainly meant to hurt, and that's what matters. Nobody needs anyone in their home who knowingly hurts on them on a regular basis.

While you allow this twat to stay in your life, and that includes his belongings, you won't gain full clarity/freedom.

Give him a deadline, or you'll have it dumped. Refuse to deal with him on anything unleass it's about getting his stuff out of your life.

There is no need to allow this terrible man in your life.

He won't ever change because he doesn't want to. It means nothing about you, YOU don't figure in his world, which is all about him, always was, always will be.

This is not your failing, it's his. Detach, and leave him on his own 'path of enlightenment'

You have every right to loathe him, be angry and RAGE about the reasons you got hurt. You will have to put in a lot of effort to heal, yes that's annoying to the nth degree, but you have to do it.

Trust me, I'm 2 years down the line, and I totally control my life now, he has NO say in anything. I have to have some contact with him, when he can be bothered to contact our DS, but if I didn't have a DC with him, he'd have been left for dead a long time ago.

I don't loathe him, I'm not raging, just very hurt and adamant I am never getting into this situation again. But I did need to get out somehow that all this... stuff... just wasn't true.

I think it's probably because the last thing I am struggling with is other people's perceptions of what happened. He's such a quiet man, he works so hard, you can see he really cares about you. [subtext - so what can you have done to cause him to behave as badly as you say he has]. Well, it did all happen. And more. I'm not even going to start on the work I lost because he would throw a fit about my leaving the house when he wanted me to help him with his work.

He may well change, I hope he does, for his own sake as well as anyone he may get together with in the future. I'm not needing to say these things to prove anything to him anymore, I need to say it because it feels like reasserting myself, what happened to me, because it feels a relief to even be able to say it without being shouted down.

Oh I had all the 'Are you sure, he always seemed so nice' stuff from others too.

This only serves to teach you and everyone that we should NEVER judge by appearances.

Understand where the hurt comes from. It's not hurt from HIM, it's hurt that you didn't get the happy ending you should have had, that you have had to 'admit defeat' - not that YOU lost or were defeated, merely that you have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING you do, or ever do will make this man the man you need him to be.

He is not that man, never was that man and never will be that man again.

Whether he changes or not, is not for you to ponder, you have no need to be emotionally invested in his life at all. He wasn't invested in YOUR happiness, freedom, development, success now was he.

If you have not yet allowed yourself to get angry, why is that? You have every right to be. and in fact, allowing yourself to feel angry IS something you NEED to do. To be honest to yourself, allow yourself to feel and understand that what was done TO you WAS wrong and should never happened.

It will also NOT happen again.

I understand the need for the Future Protection Insurance. That is why I did the FP, did one-2-one counselling (sold every bit of my jewellery to finance it), AND attended a support group in my area. I was running around my county like a loon for at least 12 weeks, and in the end I was LIVID that I was having to do all this, when the twat could have just been nice in the first place.

I would actually suggest that you go and do the FP again. To the very end. To understand fully what situation you were in, that you were never actually alone in this. Also to remind yourself of the typical behaviour, to distinguish the very early warning signs, and gain the confidence you need to know that whatever and whoever comes near you, that you can handle the situation and kick them to the kerb if you need to.

I did a bit of Online dating at this time too, and met a guy that seemed nice to begin with, but I felt there was something niggling at me, he showered me with gifts and attention, but something still didn't feel right. Long story short, when he stropped for some stupid reason, and ignored me for 3 days, I ended it. First by text, then sadly by Police Man, when the eejit wouldn't take my no for an answer.

When I realised that I could identify an incoming BadMan, call it and end it on my terms, I realised that I could handle just about anything.

It is THIS feeling that will protect you from potential abusers. The confidence, boundaries and your defence of them. It's the vulnerability they home in on. Remove that, and it's like a Twat Zapping Force Field. [bugrin]

What do you think you need in your life to GET that confidence? How can we help you find that in yourself? It's there, trust me, you just have to dig a bit deeper.

((((Hugs))))

Oh and if someone doesn't listen to you when you tell them the truth about him? Bin them, or at least put some serious distance between you and them.

I have LOTS of people that i don't have anything to do with, including my family for this very reason.

My advice on this is to use the following mantra:

'Walk a bloody mile in my shoes, THEN comment...'

Who gives a flying fox what other people think of you and the situation with him? It's none of their business.

You can do this. You really can. come on, shed that scabby skin of his. You can be free to soar high once again, but not when you are encumbered by him and his poison.

Give him a deadline to get the valuable item moved, then you don't need any contact with him EVER again.

Best wishes to you.

I always think that the openly abusive men are less risky than the two faced ones where butter wouldn't melt....

My mother was like that. Perfect on the ouside, a massive shouts sweaty sneering faced spitting hyena with flying hands and violent controlling tendencies behind closed doors.

I think you should

A. Write more stuff like your op.
B. tell more people more stories. But beware those who continue to not believe and support you.

Well done. You did so well. I understand you aren't asking for help or advice, more somewhere to pour out the replies you wanted to. You don't need to do anything for yourself now except keep going, yes be selfish for once and put yourself first-it really is ok!-and if you need to talk, talk. Other people only see what is presented to them, their perception of the quieter bloke..Just a very familiar sounding to my own experience, whatever the outward characteristic is, the side nobody else sees or knows about would be unbelievable to people.

I would get the valuable thing sorted out much sooner rather than later-without having to see him. It will help and then it is all done.

If he continues to contact you, change those contact details if you feel it's not much hassle, but above all else, well done, keep going and stay as strong in the future as you have had to be in this. You will never have to go through it again.

Thanks, all - a lot to think about so I ran away to think about it for a while.

Hissy, thank you for the hugs. It is hard to find a new equilibrium: I'm unclear really what I mean by that, but it's something like - I no longer have any tolerance for his particular forms of nastiness - but then people are bound to have bad days, bad hours, bad comments - it doesn't make them abusive - but then how many comments does it take before it gets into unreasonable territory - but then again I never behave in any of the ways that he did - but then I have my own objectionable behaviours (running away, or glossing over problems) - until I eventually end up at the 8 year old's view of the world, which includes Bad Men and Good Men, and that is neither true nor helpful.

I suppose I mean I'm not concerned I will make the same mistake again because I'm far more likely to be too alarmed at the slightest thing to ever get the chance to find out.

Something, I'm tired of the stories, and who would I tell? The people I really care about I don't want to upset with the whole truth - it is the people who are geographically close who have been alternately helpful and gobsmackingly awful in turn. But it's not their problem, so it's not something to hold against them really.

Olympic, thank you. I still get a kick out of watching what I like on television (God, the palaver when I wanted to watch a disney film - "this is shit. it's shit, isn't it. it's really shit. what are you watching this shit for. God it's shit. why are you watching this shit." over and over and over until I gave up after 30 minutes. He didn't even want to watch the television, he was doing something else.), choosing what time to get up (not surprisingly, fecking early every day now that I don't dread the hours to come), deciding for myself whether I still wish to talk to friends he's taken a dislike to - little things!

Sounds like he drained the life force out of you.. And without the rest of the shit you have had to put up with, that was more than enough!!! Thank god you are free from it now. I'm really happy for you.

You sound like a wonderful, intelligent, intuitive and insightful person. Trust yourself-don't allow what has happened to become a foundation of self doubt. Just keep going. Keep moving forward, further away.. Don't look back unless it's beneficial for you.