I Think I destroyed my marriage.

[SomuchHurt]

I have namechanged for this.

Early in our relationship my DH and I drew up a bucket list of things that we would do, or consider doing together. One of the things on that list was that I was curious about experimenting with another woman. We were both a little unsure if this was a good idea and we never followed it up together. I however ended up having an affair with another woman a while after this. I never spoke of the affair afterwards.

Move forward another 12 years and DH found the list in a drawer and we were looking through it together and having a few drinks. DH points to the part of the list that mentions another woman and asks if I remember that one. In my drunken stupidity I blurted out that I didn't need to think about that one as I had already done that. DH looks shocked and asks when exactly I had done anything with another woman and it all came out about the affair. DH is gutted and says he will never be able to look at me the same again, and that I have destroyed any and all trust we had. I have tried to talk to him and apologize but he is just so angry with me. He says that if I had wanted to go with someone else I should have just left him then before we had children. I tried to reason with him and explain that it was different and just experimenting, but he says that I'm still a cheat and he wont forgive that. He also said that he feels I robbed him of being able to experience that as a couple together and also robbed him of our marriage.

I need help to fix this because I just don't know what to say to him now. He is still the love of my life and the only one I want to be with. But I have hurt him so badly and don't want to lose him.

Thank you all for your honesty and for not being too harsh with me.

I am starting to understand fully what I have done and the full price of that. I was sat with a friend last night and told her what had happened, she just looked at me and called me a cunt and left.

Yes I also think that the mess I made is unfixable and that I lost the love of my life by my own stupidity. I am also sorry to anyone on here that I have upset or annoyed with this. I feel so stupid and worthless.

I think you'd find it quite useful to try and understand your own view on what you've done.

Your husbands reaction seemed to completely shock you, hence just calmly telling him, and then not really understanding the fall out. Telling him that itwas just experimenting, and didn't mean anything.

And now it seems that you are only really coming to terms with what you've done because your friend reacted badly as well.

It could be worthwhile finding a therapist or counselor to talk this through with? To understand why you did it, why you felt it was okay, and why you told your husband in the way you did?

Your husband will defend himself now, and it's very possible that he can't see a future with you anymore. He seems deeply wounded. Therapy might also help you work out what he's going through, exactly, and come to terms with however this turns out.

There's a... Naivety? To your posts that is rather confusing and unique. I'm sure your husband has noticed that too.

Well...to me it still seems like a huge over reaction on his part. To refuse to even discuss things? It doesn't really seem right. You don't think there's any chance he wanted out of the marriage anyway and is jumping on this as his golden opportunity to leave without looking like the bad guy? Sorry if I'm way off here, it just strikes me as unusual that after so many years he's just completely stonewalling you.

I read countless infidelity threads on here, as we all do, and for a betrayed spouse to just shut the door like this without any talk, counselling whatever is very rare I think.

And your friend, sorry but what a judgemental bitch! If my friend told me she was in a situation like this I would just hold her and tell her I'd support her all the way. Friends don't judge. God, it must be nice to be so perfect and for life to be so black and white, jeez!

OP - don't bother with the friend - calling you that and just walking out was hugely judgemental and that's not what you're going to be needing; obviously she must think herself bloody perfect.

You made a huge mistake...and then you kept it to yourself for 12 years...and then blurted it out with a NBD attitude. It's a bad situation, but you don't need judgement like that - though if you're still a bit blasé and NBD about it to others then I will be able to understand if they are unable to connect with you because you really really need to understand that this is about your DH and what you have done, not minimising.

I hope the future brings better times for you all, whether that be separate or together.

Jacey - What?! He's just found his wife not only had an affair, but kept it secret for 12 years and then blurted it out during an intimate conversation about past fantasies. And then claimed it was nothing, and didn't mean anything, and was just experimentation.

And you think he's looking for a reason to leave the marriage?! I can categorically say that my DP would be out the door, and I'd never give him the time of day again. Of course he's reacted emotionally, he's probably hurting more than he ever thought possible. To suggest he's at fault here is absolutely incredible.

As for your friend, you do need better friends. That's a horrid word to use.

the blase telling and shock at the reaction makes me suspect a bigger pattern of taking your dh for granted and falling back on his niceness to just put up with things. also his leaving as finally and clearly as he has seems to suggest there will have been plenty he has put up with and gone along with because of his nature and this is the last straw - or the thing that finally utterly threw into perspective how inequal the marriage was or how taken for granted/taken the piss out of he really was.

i think you need to look wider and deeper at how you have treated him, whether you have taken a lot for granted, whether you have over-relied on his easy going-ness etc to see the full picture now.

OP - How did you tell your friend?

Is she a friend of yours, or a mutual friend?

I'm not saying I'm right, just floating the idea that he may not have been altogether happy in the marriage anyway, it's not out of the question. Not suggesting he's 'at fault'. Just that it might explain his lack of willingness to try and discuss things.

I suppose it's down to the individual but I think if I had find out my dh had a fling 12 years ago I would at least want to talk about it and work out where I wanted to go from here.

What on earth with the friend? My friends, as myself, have made lots of mistakes over the years, ill-advised affairs, really terrible family messes, abortions (not wanted)- I hope I have never judged them and always seen them as my friend first and their failings second. So, your friend is being a cos, why I don't know.

But of course your husband is hurting, and I do wonder if swallowed is right, as it does seem odd he doesn't want to know more/see if anything can be saved. I also wonder if sometimes men react differently than women, I hate to go all Mars and Venus around here (knowing how unpopular it is) but he does appear to be trying to solve the problem of 'you' without much emotional engagement. I think he's just acting now and not really processing it at all. But unfortunately you do not hold the cards in this situation and can only stand by until/if he does.

Not a cos, obviously a cow. What a horrible thing to say, strike her off the Christmas list. You made a mistake, but you didn't murder anyone. Cheating is not, in my own mind, the worst crime a person can commit.

Op you are not worthless. You made a big mistake (which many people do) and it is possible that you have lost your DH as a result. However, and I speak as someonewho has been cheated on, this does not make you a terrible person. I am shocked by your friends reaction, I have sat and talked through this sort of situation with a few friends and would never react so judgementally and harshly especially when they are as remorseful as you.

I disagree with those who are saying that you are not taking full responsibility for your actions, I think that as it was so longago and in your eyes "an experiment"you did not realise what a shock/betrayal it would be to your Dh. Of course when you are the one who has been cheated on it doesn't feel like that atall. Unfortunately for many of us once someone has been unfaithful it is like something has been broken that you can never fix, even if you want to.

I hope your Dh has a change of heart I really do, I hope you are ok.

OP - You have a lot of thinking to do. About your self, your marriage and how you have treated your husband the last 12 years. Maybe he has sensed a lack of respect, or a superiority from your part, and you blurting out the affair gave him a massive light-bulb moment. What else have been going on in your marriage? Your lives?

How did you rationalize your actions? Do you work? Were you bored? Not in love with your husband any more?

Did you at any time the last 12 years feel any remorse at how you had betrayed your husband?

Or is it just now that you feel sorry for yourself that you are hurting?

In your posts I sense no real hurt on his behalf from you, not for your children who are experiencing the upheaval of their parents splitting. You only seem to feel sorry for yourself! Are you usually this entitled and egocentric?

I think people are expressing very strong views, that don't make allowances for the fact that we all let ourselves down.

I think heterosexual marriage is about love, forgiveness of one another's imperfections and the joint responsibility for bringing up of any children in a loving and secure environment. It is about companionship and about family.

An ongoing sexual relationship with another person makes all these things very hard to achieve. But although it must be very painful to learn about a partner's past relationship - one that took place during the marriage - this is in the past. I think the situation of living with a serial adulterer, someone who just can't/won't 'do' monogamy is very different.

I think this is a test of the relationship. Okay the husband is having to revise his opinion of the wife. But maybe the original poster is also now seeing her husband in a different - and rather difficult - light.

Re your friend. My guess is that she has been cheated on herself and that's why she reacted so strongly.

For some people, knowing that someone has been a cheat (and that's such a trivial word for such a huge thing) will affect the way they view that person and their moral compass. It's an abhorrant thing to do to another person and that's difficult to understand completely if it's never happened to you.

Also, once you see behind the factors that enable someone to behave in that way, the patterns fall into place and you can see it in other aspects of their behaviour. You get to see that person more clearly - and it isn't always a pretty sight.

I wouldn't be rushing to judge the friend tbh.

KoPo here on DH's account as I couldnt be bothers to log in on my own.

OP - I am also a bit confused by the reaction of your friend, the only things I can think of are.

1 - She is a mutual friend and is vey worried about you husband and is angry over things.

2 - She has gone through a similar thing of being cheated on recently and is still feeling raw over it and you have triggered a lot of deep anger and pain.

I would second the advice to find a therapist to talk to because you really dont seem to get it all yet and that is damned frightening.

JaceyBee - Just how is her husband supposed to react? He is feeling a massive amount of emotional pain here and is trying to do his best for the children. He is quite possibly being detached about things because it just hurts too damn much to try and process it all right now.

Alright, jeez! Just making a suggestion. My speculation is as good as yours or anyone else's, we're all only doing just that.

OP

Try reading this thread for some insight into your husbands feelings

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=1

I am not sure there is anything to be gained in confessing to an historic affair. If it is over and you are sorry and have never cheated again, then spilling your guts doesn't benefit the spouse in any way. The time to have told him was 12 years ago or not at all, imo.

I too think you have fallen into the trap of thinking because it was with another woman that it wasn't so bad. My dh says it would be worse for him, because it would mean there is a part of you that he could never satisfy.

The cavalier way you just threw this info at your dh would be devastating. It is sad that only now you are beginning to comprehend what you have done.

I do find myself feeling sorry for you, because you are not a serial cheater and haven't been lying every day for 12 years - for you this was over and regretted.

I hope that your dh forgives you.

Agree Karma
But I think the husband should be allowed a period of dating around to really make sure he wants to take the OP back.
He might find that it's better for him being single or with a new partner
Or he might realise that he can forgive and try again.

I feel the urge to get Biblical. Matthew Chapter 7. (The language is a bit blokey.)

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

I feel the urge to point out that the Bible does not actually say that a woman should not lie with a woman, it does not make it right, though.

Has OP said whether she is Christian? Because of course, if she is, then she will know adultery is condemned (no 'get out' clause based on sex of affair partner) and the non-straying partner is allowed to walk away from the marriage (not encouraged to judge the person, but not required to remain living with them either). That might not be the most helpful thing to reflect on right now.

OP: have you heard any more from him? Do you know what sort of RL support he is seeking, and where his thinking is now?

I dont think it was very relevant though. FrauM just said she was overcome by an "urge" to quote this.

In the light of this thread, stange urges should surely be kept to oneself?

stRange

And that's not a reflection on her choice of partner