I need some advice...Am i making to big a deal of this or do o need to get a grip& stop whinging?

[Shellywelly1973]

Firstly i have asked for advice on here before concerning dp.

We have been together for 14 years. We have 3dc.

Dp is quiet, man of few words and generally easy going. He never complains about anything. Never moans or critises anything i do or say.

I can talk for England. I 'need' to talk. I am quick tempered. We are like the tortoise & the hare!

Dp never attends anything to do with any of the dc. Dc2 has complex SN & dp wouldn't attend any hospital/school/treatment appointments.

Dp has never organised anything in the house. Every single aspect of doing the house up was organised by me. I would force him to do jobs but often this meant i funded these jobs. Good example would be the garden, as i've not organised the landscaping, its never been done-9 years later!

Generally some how over the years, its become me with the dc & dp is like an observer. He struggles with ds SN & has no concept of the details of dc needs.

As a bit of a bossy old control freak this situation suits me.
I sort of knew in the back of my mind it wasn't healthy for any of us but on a day to day basis it worked.

5 weeks ago i had a mmc. Im devestated. I can't control myself. My heart is totally broken. No matter what i try to heal myself wont work. I try telling myself it could have been so much worse then a mmc but nothing helps.

About 3 weeks ago i tried explaining to dp how i felt. He told me to go to the drs as i must be depressed. He said' Its very sad but you need to stop talking about it'. I stopped talking to him about it.

Now im heart broken & totally unsupported. I have limited contact with my family, they thought it was for the best,( whole other thread). My only close friend lives 90 miles away. I don't have any other friends.

Am i expecting too much from dp? Day to day is ok but in my heart i now know dp isnt capable of supporting me through the really tough times. Hes getting increasingly angry at me as im not being normal. Hes not saying it out right but hes directing it at the dc. Its passive aggressive crap, that annoys the shit out of me.

Im at the point of telling him to leave as i dont have the energy to deal with him. House etc isn't a big issue, as its mine. Money small issue as hes pretty tight anyway & im the main earner. Dc dont see him for days on end due to his shifts so again not a massive difference. Im the main carer, that wouldn't change.

I would be totally on my own though. Have i tried hard enough? Am i expecting too much? My brain is tired thinking about this...any advice appreciated!

Just to add dp does work but i earn 4times what he does. He gives me a set amount of money every month...i would never have a joint bank account.

It sounds to me like you already lead separate lives... Are you happy? Are the dc happy? If you think the answer to either is no, then something needs to change. It also sounds like you are doing everything on your own anyway, so I don't think you'll have more to deal with.

So sorry to hear about your loss
Give yourself time to grieve and don't worry about making any big decisions just yet. Call your friend and talk, talk, talk and get some miscarriage support either here on MN or through a helpline...
Good luck

What positives does he bring to your life, if any? And do they in any way balance the negatives you have outlined?

It sounds rather like he is detached from the family unit, as you have described and therefore has little emotional investment in any of you (swingeing generalisation, there!)
Does he have problems connecting emotionally in general? Is he able to show empathy at all?

But when i read threads on here & the dp/dh are abusive or drinkers i feel like they have a reason to leave.

Is it me expecting too much?

I have 2 grown up dc. I brought them up by myself so i remember the realities of being a single parent, i was on my own for 12 years.

I don't know, i really don't!!

He does show empathy but i suppose in alot of ways its lip service...he dosn't do much.

He had an awful childhood where he learnt to shut up & not be seen. I understand thats what he learnt&does it even now.

I don't understand why he can't grasp im upset at having a miscarriage.

I'm not nitpicking, but your title said "Am I making too big a deal of this OR do I need to stop whineing and get a grip?" It's kind of like "Heads you win, tails I lose", you're not really giving yourself a chance. You are just coming to terms with a mmc, try and be kind to yourself.

I think its reasonable to seperate if you feel he's making your life harder rather than easier at a time when you really need support. You don't seem to see much to respect in him, which doesn't look good in terms of your long term future as a couple.

You've been honest about why you've let this situation occur, it suited you to be in control, but maybe its not suiting you so much any more. In the future it might be good to cultivate some closer friends since you seem to have few people you can rely on. Sorry that your family was so callous.

He doesn't seem to have much empathy. A mmc is a big deal for you to go through without support.

In my title i meant it as,Yes i've had a mmc. Yes im upset but there are worse things that can happen. Dp has no experience of anything like this happening as i don't.

I don't know what other people have done in this situation. I don't know whats considered 'normal'.

Its very difficult to make friends when you have a child with SN. He goes to a special school now. Oldest dc at Secondry& youngest goes to breakfast club&after school clubs most days. So very little contact through schools. Due to dp shifts i rarely get an evening off. If i do i need two people to look after the dc, as noone manages all 3 together apart from me. I work from home. I live where i grew up but nearly everyone i was close or friendly with has moved out of the area. We are not in the position to move for a number of years.

Maybe i have brought this on myself, i suppose thats what i am asking.

Shelly - I haven't had a mmc, but I've had 3 MCs and I felt the losses greatly - it's not the loss of a bunch of cells that hurts, but the loss of the potential baby, the future child that you could have had. Your DP might be of the pragmatic frame of mind who believes it's just a bunch of cells - can you explain to him that it's not that simple? Have you already tried to do so?
Perhaps as well he's used to dealing with his own pain by shutting it down tight and never talking about it (from what you said about his childhood) - perhaps he could do with some counselling to get him to feel stuff "normally".

Do go on the MC threads to get support for yourself, it's nice to know the range of "normal" reactions so that you realise that you are completely normal, regardless of what you're actually going through.

You still haven't really mentioned the positives of having him around...

I've posted on the mc sections& most people seem to be moving on or planning their next pregnancy, i feel like i got stuck in the last week of Feb.

The positives are im not on my own. We've got 3 dc...

If im honest there arn't any positives apart from not ending up on my own& a single parent again. Thats horrible, isn't it?

Also the mmc made me question if my family is finished. I had thought my baby days were over, youngest ddc is 5. If we split up there won't be any more children. Im almost 40.

Now i sound really horrible!!

Shelly I think you need to sit down and have a proper think about your positives list, and about what you want to do re. more DC.
FWIW, I had DS1 at 40 and DS2 at 45, with 3 MCs in between - so it's not necessarily the end of your baby days, but do you really want a 4th? Was the MMC an accidental pg, or half-planned? Very sorry for your loss, btw, it's rough. :(

You sound like you're in a complete rut as far as DP is concerned anyway - so I don't know, maybe suggest to him that you think you've come to the end of the road as a couple and see what happens - he might be horrified, shocked and completely unaware that you could even think that; or he might agree.

At least it would be a starting point for discussion?

Shelly - I am so very, very sorry for your loss and hope that you have fully recovered physically. Your grief is natural and, of course, you want support and empathy from your DP. It's probably best not to make any decisions yet.

There is some excellent advice about ending a relationship on the Daily Telegraph online. Was reading it just before I came on here. Sorry, don't know how to cut and paste; perhaps someone else will do it.

Best wishes

Shelly- Have just gone back to the article; It's "The best way to break up," by Dr. Petra Boynton. It may help you.

Jynier-Thankyou. The article made intreasting reading.

From my perspective there really arn't any positives to staying in the relationship.

Should i really have to explain to my dp i need support after a miscarriage?

He was useless after the dc were born. I made him leave after dc3, the baby was a few weeks old. It was like now. I couldn't cope, i started to get depressed. Dp withdrew & became irritated by my behaviour. I told him to leave, he did. Actually dps name isn't on ds birth certificate as he wouldn't take the afternoon off work&ds was 7 weeks old & i had recieved the reminder to register ds.

I shouldn't have taken him back then but i was financially desperate & knew i couldn't manage on my own.

H

No - you don't have to tell any healthy, normal adult partner you need comfort after a miscarriage. They will usually know the pain you're feeling because they share some of it - it's their loss too, or should be - even if they don't have the hormonal upheaval to intensify the pain.

Your partner, by contrast, seems to have a partial or total empathy failure. He's irritated that you're unhappy,and wants you to fix yourself so you can make his life comfortable again. He does not care about your discomfort at all.

I'm amazed and sad that you have to ask if you're expecting too much. You're not expecting anything, you're not getting anything - and you're giving everything!

Something must have attracted you and kept you in this relationship. But all you have now is a sort of lodger. No: I think you'd receive more kindness from a lodger, on reflection.

This is not a good way to live, Shelly.

Thankyou for your reply Wordy. I realised last night the staff in the hospital & my grown up son were the only people who showed me any empathy after the mmc.

I tried talking to dp last night. It did more harm then good. I ended up shouting & cried myself to sleep. He was really defensive. He was annoyed i had been texting my friend. My friend who i've known 20 yrs, is unusual to say the least & has made some strange choices in her life. I love her & would support her no matter what she choses to do.

Its over, i know it is but so much has happened in the last 5 weeks...i feel like i can't catch my breathe. Its 5 weeks today since i went for my 12 week scan & was told the baby had died.

You said something attracted me to dp? It seems so daft now but i had a list & i wouldn't even go out with someone if they didn't tick everything on the list. He ticked all the boxes. Yes, caring was on there.

Its time to sort my shit out & as i told him last night!