I don't want to see them

[rain2012]

I am a bit stuck as to what to do. I don't have a great relationship with my ils mil often tries to put a wedge between Dh and I and make him choose between us. I just sit smile and bare through it as I don't want to put Dh in that possition. We don't see them too much. Fil is very pushy and sexist saying things like "no man should have to wake up in the night with a baby" again I sit and ignore as I have tried to fight this and got no where. They bullied my Dh until I was on the scean ie checking his bank account for what he was spending when he was in his 20s!! Made out any job he had was crap unless it was exactly what fil did. Dh has always had a job and worked hard.
Anyway the other week at a family get together a family member if mine was talking to my fil and said "you must be so proud if your ds with his job, family home etc" and fil said "about bloody time he did something good he's been shil at everything else"!!!!!!
I feel so angry about what was said I don't want to see them! But I don't want to tell Dh as I don't want him to feel torn between me and his parents. But now it's Easter I will have to see them but I don't know how. I feel so sad for Dh.

:( :(

In your position I would be bright and breezy and kill them with kindness. Make sure you and dh are really affectionate towards each other, oh, and play PIL bingo. and do please report back to us. If you laugh at them it takes away their power.

Can you not tell DH this?

Tell him how much you love him, how great you think he is and that you struggle when his family critisise him as they don't see him the way you do.

That you know he loves them and is used to their behaviour but you fiercely want to protect l/defend him and so don't want to go and cause a scene so will stay at home?

Or go and let rip that he is an amazing H etc and they are idiots.

Tall - that's how I usually am with them but it feels so much harder now, I always knew they were mean but at least thought they were proud of Dh!! But I will try! What's pil bingo?!
Xales - Dh and I have discusses his parents behaviour in the past and he has had to tell them to back off etc with regards to me ( they said nasty things about me) but at the end of the day they are his family and I don't want him losing contact with them. I have a married brother and would hate for him to be in this situation so I just try to make it easier for Dh. I know this would hurt him and only cause another fall out between us and his family.

Pil bingo - have a list of all the naff things they always say, and each time you hear one, exchange a look and a secret grin with DH.

Poor you and your poor H, this is miserable but, like someone said, seeing the funny side of it together can be a great help.

Sorry I meant let him go alone none of you go. I should have made that clearer.

If someone is constantly having to be in a situation with people who they don't like, I usually say "Don't bother your arse anymore". But I think your DH needs all the support you can get. Your best bet might be to stand united with your husband and everytime your FIL runs your DH down use the MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude". It must be very hard for your DH to feel he is never good enough so having you by his side is another reason to be proud.

I wonder if you went over to your FILs house some day by yourself and asked him straight out why he likes to put your DH down so much, what would he do or say?

Get yourself a copy of Toxic In Laws, you will see things how your DH sees it and help you understand why he puts up with it.

And never let them see a chink of light between you because they will go for it - united we stand, divided we fall and all that. And good luck!

i wouldn't repeat that horrible , hurtful thing your fil said about your DH. but i WOULD go and see the old bugger by yourself and ask him exactly what did he mean. he will respect you for standing up for your DH. what an old bastard. i stood up to my fil (he's gone now) and he was so sweet and nice to us after that. i couldn't bear him saying anything more about my handsome, lovely, hard-working husband. although my DH did give him trouble as a teen/20 something and i wonder if that was what the problem was. good luck.