Loneliness and how to beat it

[Lonely111]

Hi,

Have nc for this as am embarrassed to admit how lonely I am. I have a 5 yr old boy who I had when I was 18, DS's dad and myself have joint custody and I have a large family support network less than 5 minutes away from me. I have a well paid full time job that is shift work but not extreme so manageable. I live alone with DS half the time. So in theory I have a good set up and free time, but I feel so down.

I am just so lonely, I married DS's dad at 18 and divorced at 21, my descion (sp?) I've had two relationships since, one for a year and one for 6 months, the latter turned abusive so I ended it, this was only 6 months ago so I think this is whats made me feel this way. I had counselling for 2 months after the relationship ended and feel ok about it and have put it behind me. Neither one met DS by the way. The year long relationship just fizzled out, but on good terms, we were just at different life stages.

But now I am in a place where I just can't imagine ever finding someone again. Someone who is kind and makes me laugh and is good with DS. I just don't seem to meet anyone. I have 5 very good friends but not a wide social circle iykwim

DS is very on the ball, and asks me why Cant i get married again and have babies because he wants 3 sisters and one brother, I laugh but I feel so down as I think I will never find anyone to make a little family with

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I feel so low and like I've messed my life up so much no one would want to get involved with me. I put on a front and anyone in rl who knew me would be shocked at me saying this as I'm usually a glass half full type of person.

Has anyone else been in this position, everything's just looks so bleak at the moment, so I would appreciate some advice.

Thank you, sorry if it seems a bit of a self indulgent whine!

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I don't really have any advice but i have to say that you sound as though you are a great young woman and a fab mother and there is no reason why you wouldn't find yourself in the relationship you crave (and deserve). How sweet what your little one says, I'm sure he would be a great older sibling.

You say you have a bit of free time, are there any hobbies or interests you could pursue that would help you to meet people?

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter this morning x

Since say age 16 how much time have you actually spent as an independent woman, getting to know yourself as an individual? Because, from the pencil sketch, it sounds as though you've never really done that. You're kind of living your life backwards at the moment. Most people go out various people in their teens and twenties, spend lots of time with girlfriends just having fun as singles, and then it's only later on that they opt to settle down, produce children and go for the life partner thing.

So my suggestion is that you embrace independence. Get together with other women, find interests that excite you, find projects that inspire you and boost your confidence which is probably the missing link in your picture. If you live mostly alone with a five year-old and you hold down a FT job you're clearly an intelligent, capable and resourceful young woman. .... why do you think you 'messed up'? Desperation is not an attractive or useful character trait. Capitalise on your strengths, forget looking for Prince Charming for a while and just enjoy the freedom.

If the counselling was successful, you know it wasn't your fault that you were latched onto by an abusive man. Kind, thoughtful men exist in abundance and, when you are truly happy with your life as it is, one will roll up wanting to be part of it.... Always remember that you don't have to say 'yes'.

Thank you for your replies, cogitoergosometimes you are spot on with living my life backwards. I'm still only 23 but have these fears that I will end up alone and infurtile, I can see that it's ridiculous but it's like a form of anxiety. I feel like I messed up my chance of a relationship and further children so I won't get the chance to do it again.

I know what your saying is right but I have no idea where to start or what I even like doing. I have spent the last 7 years doing what other people want so it's bewildering to think what I actually want and like. It's such a strange feeling, like emptiness and I suppose sort of regret of going along with what my previous partners have wanted.

It's only bewildering because you're not used to it and you've never had the opportunity to be yourself. You're like one of those former prisoners that, released from captivity and back home, can't relax in a bed because they're used to sleeping on the floor. You need to acclimatise.

'Every journey starts with a single step' so start small... pick something trivial that you can do for you and for no-one else. Be impulsive & self-indulgent. Cultivate your selfish side, your 'inner diva'. :) Could be a night in with various beauty products having a home spa. Could be going to a music festival or flicking through the brochures and booking yourself and your DS on a holiday. Could be finding a class at a local college and learning Italian or wallpapering or something else you've always fancied doing.... Anything goes. Anything at all.

Once you start and once you get into the swing I warn you now that it's quite intoxicating having the freedom to do as you please with no idiot bloke cramping your style. :) Go for it.