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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No sex for 15 years

31 replies

Butterfly47 · 28/03/2013 11:17

Hi there, I'm a newbie today and this is my first thread. Any help would be appreciated.

I'm 47 years old slim and considered attractive (so my friends say) and keep fit. I have been married for 25 years with 3 almost grown up children. My husband is a year older and lost interest in sex for the last 15 years. Before that it was only occasional. I have asked him about it and he said he will try but just ends up doing more around the house and helping with the family ect.

We do get on but like brother and sister and when I talk to friends their relationship with their partner is so different to mine - ie: closeness, cuddles and sex. I don't feel married in that sense.

I'm getting frightened that I will never have sex again and I might live a good few years yet (hopefully). Is it worth being on my own and looking for a new start or do I just carry on - I'm not sure I can.

Any help would be great.

OP posts:
Charbon · 29/03/2013 00:06

It's best not to project the possible motivations in another relationship on to this one, especially when the OP has said so little in her posts.

But these issues are never one-sided when they have existed in this state for years. Both parties gain more from the status quo than they are often prepared to admit, which is why neither leaves or seeks permanent change until something forces the issue, or it becomes more problematic than before.

MayaAngelCool · 29/03/2013 00:19

I recommend you read the excellent book 'Mating In Captivity', by Esther Perel. It's brimming over with insight and will help you to get a picture of what's going on

However, any relationship problem is always a two-way street, so be warned that it may also illuminate things about yourself which you may not want to be told. Either way it is an excellent start to gaining understanding, which will help you to work through your options.

syl1985 · 29/03/2013 02:09

Some people have a low sex drive. Sometimes their is a problem. This could be anything from a physical to a mental problem with the man or the lady. In this case the man.

It's often said that woman are more emotional then man. Woman can handle emotions better then man. We're able to talk about our problems. Man usually find that quite difficult to talk about their problems.

Any healthy adult will have his/her own sexual needs and his/her own sexual fantasies.

Is he healthy as far as you know? Physically and mentally?
If yes then he'll have his needs and try to find that out what that is.

I don't know him, but I'd advice not to have a one on one conversation about this. This might make him feel more uncomfortable about sex then he already his.

How to handle this?
There are many options. You can send him a love card. Or a note and suggesting to do something together, e-mails, roses on the bed, anything. You can let him know that it's coming from you, but talk to him like he isn't your husband. Playing that you're someone else.
Make it fun for you both!

You write that he likes football, do you like that to? Maybe go to a match together? Go to the cinema or do something else. Don't put the attention on having sex. As that might put him off. Also don't put to much hope that you'll have sex the first night you go out with him.

First you'll probably need to look for what will work for both of you. Some sort of (erotic) game. Once you've found it continue with it.
If he wants to talk about anything be there for him and listen to him. The problem might look very small or silly to you. But don't smile and be as serious as he's doing any serious bedroom talk.

Man sometimes do make a big fuss about something that looks so stupid to us woman. But to them it might be a huge catastrophe. You might even feel on that moment that you're talking to a child instead of a grown up. Someone that's making a fuss about nothing. Try your best to act as understanding as possible and be happy that he finally talked about the problem.

Where can man make a fuss about:
their size
how they perform in bed
that they have their orgasm on a wrong moment
that they can't make the lady have her orgasm
they'd like to try something different in the bedroom, but are to scared to ask or talk about it with the lady

It might also be that he has got a serious problem and you don't know about that on this moment.

Another way to solve the problem that might work. Is buy sex toys for you.
You might want to use this if your first try to just go out with him and have fun with him in the hope more will come, fails.

Buy some toys for you. Tell him that you haven't had sex in the last 15 years and you just need it.
He can join if he wants or get out of the room as you help yourself.

Give a very clear message about what you want and need. This way you also show that you're very open about sex. Because you're that open about sex it might give him a feeling that it's ok to be open too about his needs and feelings.
This also might brake the ice and solve the problem.

I hope this helps.

Good luck,
Sylvia

Mimishimi · 29/03/2013 02:24

I don't understand how toys would help though? My DH also has a lower drive and during periods where he hasn't shown any interest, it's the physical intimacy and affection that I craved, an intimacy that would not be achieved by sticking something in down there. Sad I would still feel horribly rejected even if my physical 'needs' were being met by the toys.OP, I would start keeping a diary because he might think he makes love to you/show you affection more than he does.

Darkesteyes · 29/03/2013 14:11

Sylvia dont you think people whose spouses have been ignoring their needs for YEARS NOT months have already tried all that.
You are putting the onus on the woman here and telling her to tiptoe round his ego.
Some men and some women too have no interest in sex or intimacy. Why is that so fucking hard for people to accept (especially when its the man because it seems that its easier to blame the woman and say "well it must be something you are doing wrong"

Your post comes across as bloody patronizing.

deliasmithy · 05/04/2013 19:56

Op it does sound like you need to raise this all with him, as difficult as that can be.

Whilst its a joint responsibility to discuss issues it sounds as though you will need to be the one that raises it. An awkward convo is better than an elephant in the room.

It would be helpful if he could tell you whether he is happy with current level of intimacy or not. If not, what are the barriers, how important is it for each of you, etc.

I hope things improve for you.

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