... and is it even worth it?
'D'H, after a week of mindfuckery, has escalated. I went to his house this evening, minus kids. I'm concerned about his state of mind and the state of the house. He expected contact tomorrow. No way am I comfortable with that now. I'm glad I went.
It's filthy. It's freezing. It's damp. It still smells of the stuff he burnt weeks ago. I wanted to speak to him and refused to leave (I have every legal right to be in that house). He, in usual style, refused to speak except to tell me how wrong I was. He demanded I leave. It's still my house, he may have trashed it, but still my house.
Got a bit teary. Mistake when dealing with an EA. Told me he was getting wound up and I had outstayed my welcome. He phoned his 'girlfriend' to come round for a shag, he set my car alarm off, threatened to lock me in, tried to get my phone off me, ripped my handbag, pulled my arm in the process (pregnant and ligaments are v. stretchy so easily done), anything and everything to get rid of me.
I admit after years of this kind of thing, I felt I had to stand my ground and stop doing what he tells me to. You don't call the shots now. You don't tell me what to do. Dangerous game though. Eventually he stormed out 'to get the kids' from my home. I panicked. I left.
I am in no doubt he is capable of 'getting' the kids and taking them. He does not think far enough about consequences (drink driving, impulsive job resignations, going missing, risky sex, smashing stuff in the house). I don't trust him. Can I refuse access tomorrow? Will SS get involved? They have been in the past but closed case.
We are in a safe nice place. How do I keep my kids safe and not fuck them up if they want daddy?