Have name changed. This is very difficult to write so please be kind. Having lurked on the relationship boards for some time I am worried that I might have some NPD tendencies.
Over the last few years and especially the last year since DC was born I have realised that both my maternal grandmother and mother had narc tendencies. I don't like armchair psychology and it's easy to fling these terms round but I can see that some of the behaviours fit. I can also see that my father has some enabling tendencies. Certainly my siblings and I have always wondered how my father lets my mother away with so much. She is charming in the slightly selfish way that children are even though she's now in her sixties.
By the way I don't doubt for one second that my mother loves us all. She is not a true narc in the sense of not having feelings for others - in fact she would take a bullet for any of us. If anything she and my grandmother (now dead) worry themselves sick about all of us.
Since having DC I have become frightened that I'm going to be like this too. I can see that I can be selfish and critical and controlling especially towards my lovely, laidback DH (and am worried his loving, calm, laidback temperament makes him prone to being enabling). Seeing it isn't enough though - I don't know how to change it. Both my parents were extremely critical (I'm only really beginning to shrug off the effects of this now at the age of almost 40!) and both had the idea that there was only one way of doing things properly. Sometimes I see myself being like this with DH - but always after the fact, not in the moment. It really upsets me because I love my DH but sometimes I think how can he put up with me when I'm so hard on him? I'll criticise him for something stupid and pathetic and then realise it's the kind of thing my father would have criticised me for e.g. a domestic task like wiping a counter or doing dishes.
So I'm worried I'm going to be like this with my DC. It makes me cry even thinking about it. I know my parents love me but they fucked me up to some degree and I massively underachieved for years (ironically I looked like a high achiever but I never fulfilled my potential until quite recently because of a sort of rebellion against doing well - yes, I was golden child). I don't want to do this to DC or be critical and selfish with DC or DH. I love them both more than I can express. I want them to be happy and know how much I love them, without me smothering them.
My question at the end of that is: how do I break the cycle of behaving like this. I don't want to be the next generation of this. I want to be the good things about my parents and grandmother without passing on the fucked up stuff.
Any practical strategies would be so helpful and please feel free to PM if you don't want to write on here. I can understand that - I'm scared even posting this. But I know I'm not the only person with these concerns and I really believe other people are out there fighting back against their nature or upbringing.