Things niggling me about my mum now that i'm a mum

[MillyStar]

There was a hell of a lot of domestic violence in my house when i was young, my dad used to batter my mum a LOT, almost every week and smash the house up and come and drag her out of my bed and stuff when she'd got in with me frightened

I have always promised myself that if i am in a bad relationship when i'm a grown up and there is lots of arguing or anything like that when i have children then i will leave, i firmly believe that a child being with a single mum parent is a million times better than them being exposed to any kind of crap relationship and i wont tolerate it around my kids

I had a baby girl last april and this made my feelings about it all even stronger, her dad is a drinker and i split with him when she was 3 months old because he didn't change (she was an accidental pregnancy i was on the pill)

I keep going over and over in my head about how my mum kept me in that environment and didn't leave! I just don't understand how she kept me there, i spent a massive part of my childhood terrified, i used to play at my neighbours house on a friday night and i would sit at their front room window waiting to see my dad get home, i wanted him to get in before me so he would be asleep or calmed down by the time i got in, my mum used to phone to tell me to go home or come round and i would hide so she couldn't find me, i can also remember lying in bed with my walkman on full blast so i couldn't hear anything downstairs

Another thing that is really sticking in my head is when i was a home with her and he was at the pub i would repeatedly ask her how long she thought he would be and if she thought he would be in a mood, she would say she didn't know and then after a while snap at me to shut up - it's breaking my heart to think of her snapping at me like that, if my daughter was asking me questions like that i would know it was fear and get her away from there but all she did was snap

She has been a fantastic mum apart from the above and still is, she isn't nasty or anything but i just can't get my head round why she stayed with him and didnt leave for me

Not sure if its worth bringing it up with her

Victims of abuse often seem to behave in a way that defies logic. Read a few threads on here from victims of far less that your DM suffered and you'll quickly see how people's self-esteem has evaporated, how they feel trapped with no choices, even how they think a crappy partner is better 'for the kids' than being solo. They can find all sorts of ways to rationalise the treatment... 'he gets depressed', 'I annoyed him', 'we have money troubles', 'he's lovely when he's not drinking'. It's a rotten existence.

So if you ask her about it, do so kindly.

I would suggest councelling. I doubt if your mum hasnt realised the pain it caused she never will.

If she did she will feel guilty enough as it is. Or a mix of both.

cogito is right (seem to be accidentally thread stalking )

But all the feelings you have are completely normal. I suspect when your daughter reaches the ages you were when the specific memories you have are these feelings and thoughts will heighten and maybe having to go back to councelling will take place.

I strongly think councelling will help you and write a letter to your mum about all of this but don't send it.

i felt sick when i read yr post OP. you poor, poor thing. to think you went through that as a little girl. dreadful. im not qualified to help you, but i get from your post that you are still suffering and really need to talk this out of your system. i think your mum is in that generation where maybe she felt she had no other choice, was trapped and there was no-one could help. i have heard that women in that situation can feel embarrassed!! and keep quiet. We are far more educated now. the past is haunting you. can you countenance getting help and then in the near future talking to your mum. i bet she's suffering in silence as well. if i was your mum maybe I would want to bring it up but not without some sort of sign from you? i hope i haven't said the wrong thing. my heart goes out to you. Cogito and Onenut are completely right. you deserve some peace from this vile history.