No contact with parents for 4 years, it's my DSis wedding next week

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Oh god I really have got myself in a mess about this, not sure if I am being ridiculous or if this is going to be a genuinely terrible day. We haven't spoken for 4 years after I had a realisation that my DF almost certainly has NPD and at best is a manipulative bully. My mother is a functioning alcoholic (I think I might be if I was married to him) and has always put him first. After DH asked him to leave our home (at my request, DS was newborn and I was hormonal) I tried to explain to my mother that I would still like to have a relationship with her, and for her to see my DCs. She refused saying that it would be disloyal to DF.

Fast forward 4 years and my sister's wedding is imminent. None of my DMs family are talking to me because I am not talking to her. I did try to explain that it really didn't happen that way and that I actually have no problem with her. I find it more surprising that they feel this way considering they all can't stand DF.

It's going to be awful isn't it? DCs are already worried about seeing DF after his previous behaviour towards them and me. They have asked what to do if he tries to talk to them :( Any ideas on how to handle this?

Go and hold your head held high, you didnt do anything wrong, your mother chose not to speak to you because you stood up to your father.

Enjoy it, dont rise to any bait, if asked then you be honest.

You didnt do anything wrong, you've got nothing to be worried about.

Thanks Louly, I know that really, I just feel sad that I will have a room full of relatives that wont talk to me that I care about and DCs that are scared of their GF.

Just gotta try and keep your DC's away from him, can you talk to your sister about it?

Also, your relatives are no loss, if they have taken sides without even asking what happened.

Well, you can't not go or you will never know if anyone has 'forgiven' you for what happened in the past.

Things which are very fresh in your mind may have faded in theirs even though it appears that they don't speak to you, probably most of them don't normally even think about it.

I would go. Things will probably be fine, people usually behave nicely a weddings. But I would have an escape plan at the back of your mind, not for if people are unpleasant, but in case DM drinks too much and things go awry.

Families develop 'scapegoats' who are given the flak for whatever dysfunctionality that there is whilst the real problems are never dealt with. But it's often to avoid dealing with the problem than having real ill will towards the scapegoat.

I absolutely have to go, my DDs are bridesmaids :)

Lovely, I'm sure it will be great. Follow Loulabelle's advice and have a great time.

What do we think to drinking, not plastered obviously, but maybe a couple of glasses of wine to ease me through it? DH will be looking out for me and we will both look after DC.

Torn between carrying on regardless as I would at any wedding and staying stone cold sober just in case anything happens.

Nothing wrong with having a couple of glasses, even i had drink at 2 of my siblings weddings, and i never drink.

Is it worth sending an email to relatives to try and explain the situation and that I am hoping for a lovely non-confrontational day for DSis?

I personally wouldn't send an email as it implies there is a big problem tbh and it could make everyone feel self conscious or it could be seen that you are making the day about you rather than your DSis.

Just go, be smiley and pleasant to all, and if anyone gives you grief ask them politely to respect that it's your sister's day.

You don't have to stay long at the wedding reception? Leave after the meal and before the drinking/dancing starts. No big deal, just quietly slip out.

I personally wouldn't have any alcohol, it can act as a depressant. Also any family members who want to make trouble can say you smell of alcohol...

How about some kalms/rescue remedy pastilles?

I do have to stay, my DDs are bridesmaids and I have promised them they can stay and dance :(