Is it possible to overcome deep rooted trust issues?

[billingtonssugar]

I am hoping to hear that it is

I have had an ephinany recently having read around two thirds of "daring to trust" and realised (blindingly obvious statement alert) that my trust issues go right back to my childhood and actually aren't anything to do with specific relationships. I have never trusted (not just in terms of someone actually cheating on me, but in the fact that they love me or even like me).

I have been cheated on in each of the three relationships that I had prior to my current relationship. But it all started, I beleive, when I discovered at 15 that my dad was cheating on my mum with a man. I buried this for years and years (am now 30) but am realising what a profound affect it had on me. I keep having memories of cards he sent to her always writting "Love Always" inside and feeling an overwhelming agony inside that he broke that promise and was potentially misleading her every time that he wrote it. I remember as a child (possibly sensing that something wasn't right) looking inside each card and taking comfort in the words he had written as though they were proof it was true and that our lives were real and secure.

My current partner (5 years in) always presented as trustworthy but eventually back in November after 4 or 5 months of complete coldness he ended our relationship telling me he no longer found me attractive and hadn't for some time. Also telling me that the day before he ended our relationship (knowing he would do so) he met a girl whilst on a night out, took her home and kissed her but didnt have sex purely because he was too drunk. He has since made a complete commitment to being trustworthy, we have had counselling and are much more "honest" about our feelings. He has renounced any kind of untrustworthy behaviour and it is clear to me and everyone else that he had his "chance" to escape but has made a commitment to me. I feel that this should mean I would be able to move on but I just can't.

I don't beleive he would "cheat" but something just won't let me enjoy what we have without questioning it. I feel a lot of the time like I am pretending. Like at any moment I could just break. I am desperate to be married to him, sometimes I feel like that would be the security that I need... but then when I feel that might be a reality, I worry that I am not ready for that kind of commitment as if it ended that heartbreak would be too much.

Sometimes I even think I might sabbotage the relationship by cheating myself. I don't really trust myself not to. Although that is insane because I have never cheated on him or anyone or even come close.. so I've no idea why I think that of myself. Seems my trust issues are so bad I can't even trust myself.

Sorry, I've rambled a bit. If anyone knows if it is possible to get over this and be "normal" I'd appreicate the advice.

He does make my life better actually, when I think about it. He makes me laugh, he understands me, we have so much in common, I just love being in his company, he constantly suprises me with the things he says, he's clever, I'm attracted to him... I love him. I am convinced it is my issue.

"I want to be the content person who trusts and loves blindly surrounded by her husband, children etc. "

Loves blindly? That's not a content person, that's a naive person with her head in the sand who is due a nasty shock at some point. Always love with your eyes open....

What do you get from this relationship now?.

Does he really enhance your life or are you just settling and are on some level actually grateful to have him back in your life after his frankly awful behaviour towards you.

Have you subconsciously gone for the same type of person to date each time?.
You gave this current man another change, why was that?. Why do you think that no trust = you ending up alone. Nonsense. You have this the wrong way around; he is actually not worthy of you at all.

No trust = no relationship. Very hard to get back from a position where trust or fidelity has been broken.

So is that maybe what I'm doing now then - "loving with my eyes open?" Maybe this is normal to have an element of mistrust and I'm just reading too much in to it. Maybe with some more time (the infidelity was only 4/5 months ago) I could trust him.

Also what Cog wrote earlier with the proviso that your parents awful marriage and his affair within it has affected you markedly as well. Burying stuff as you have done is never a good idea.

It is NOT your fault this happened to them, you are and never were responsible for your parents marital breakdown even though you did not feel able to tell your mother what you knew. She probably knew anyway but did not want to accept it.

Is your Dad aware that you know he was unfaithful?. Are you in much contact with either of them nowadays?.

"Maybe with some more time (the infidelity was only 4/5 months ago) I could trust him. "

No you won't. But you'll beat yourself up trying and thinking you're at fault. Sorry... I thought the infidelity was years ago. Ditch this loser.

attilla - I gave him another chance when I didn't with the others because I felt it was so out of character and I knew something more was involved i.e. the midlife crisis. I had a one year old in my last relationship and still walked despite being in a far more precarious position than i am in now, because I knew he was a shit. I don't think that of this guy. We had a four and a half year record of trust behind us before all this and I felt like I was able to trust a man for the first time. Then almost as soon as I got to that point, it all changed and he went cold. He ended the relatonship and i sent him packing, then he changed his mind. We did the counselling as seperated because i wanted to be sure, then we got back toegther again. As izzy says - maybe he was cheating on me and when he broke up with me the other woman didn't want him so he took me back... who knows... although i hadn't actually considered that until now. There were a lot of late nights at work & the gym but no hidden mobile/ secret passwords/ strange smells etc. I doubt that was going on.

I get a lot from the relationship, if I could take out that 6 month bit it would be "perfect" (as much as anything is). I just need to get over thinking every man is going to screw me over... i know he did... but I thought/ think he deserves a second chance. i just wish I could give it with all of me and stop torturing myself with these doubts. I know if I were with someone else I would be the same. Because i am like it with everyone, friends/ family/ collegues. I just don't trust. I don't have it in me. Which is why i would rather work through things with myself rather than walk away from something that has all the signs of being really good.

Attilla, no my dad doesnt know I knew. Nor does my Mum. I am in contact with both of them but my relationship with him has always been very superficial. Thanks for your kind words, I wish i had confronted him at the time and thrashed it out - maybe I could understand why he did it and not blame myself. I feel as though it was because of me and my sister that he stayed living in the lie so as not to upset us and that is what men do now... stay with me even though they don't really like me just so as not to upset me. and out of some sense of duty.

Thanks Cog, not ignoring your last post - just confused.

You're not the only one desperately clinging to a cheat and trying to kid herself he's a changed man etc. Women do it all the time. The fact that your default setting is not to trust others is largely irrelevant. Just a few months ago this man dropped fully out of your life, told you he didn't find you attractive, hadn't done so for some time, and went off with someone else (which he did, don't be silly) .... that's about as insulting & offensive as it gets..... so your mistrust is 100% rational.

What's wrong with your story is that you seem to think you shouldn't feel this way. Worse... that you must forgive him just because he conviently changed his mind and claims to be different. All of which is leading to you twisting yourself in knots at this imagined 'personality flaw' where when someone craps on you from a great height, you're meant to say 'hey ho... never mind'.

What do you mean by "which he did, don't be silly" Cog?

You seem to think that just because you didn't find strange smells, passwords or odd text messages he wasn't unfaithful... I think it's pretty obvious he had someone else on the go. Late nights at the gym? Please...

I think that in the end this relationship will break down.

What he did wasn't that long ago, it takes years to build up trust. years and years.

You do not have to trust him or love him and I don't think you do.

I am reading and picking up on the vibe that you are only in this relationship because you think you won't find anyone else, no one would want to, you're scared of being on your own, he will move on. This is not true, just parnoid thoughts we all have.

He will move on but I think you see him as a friend and you do get along but I want you to remember 6months isn't a long time at all, he is still on his goodie two shoes behaviour, in another 6months it will probably be back to crap.

cogito is right, go away and travel or just move out or him move out for a bit. Have a breather at least. If it is love you will know and only get stronger. He will probably move On straight away. But you will have your own happy life with friends, hobbies and interests and will feel better.

If you love something set it free and it will come back to you, personally I would bin the fucker, he isn't worth the shit on your shoe.

And your dad sounds like a first class twunt too, sorry about your childhood, have you had counselling? That would help, try writing a letter to your dad (and maybe mum,) but don't send it.

I would go and tell my father I knew and I don't want any more to with him and he is not allowed to be part of my life any more. (incidentally my father isn't....)

Good luck

Thanks so much for all the advice but I have thought long an hard and I know he is worth putting my effort in to. I think I am pretty damaged and his actions at the back end of last year have compounded that but ultimately I can lay the weight of all that shit on him. I would still like to hear about if anyone has overcome the kind if trust issues that I have, an learned to trust a trustworthy person if there's anyone out there. I do think I have a bit of a problem and that these behaviour will go on throughout my life one man after another if I don't resolve them now. If in another six months it goes to shit then that will be his chances up and like with the other guys I will get rid. But I do believe in this one. I just don't want to sabotage it.

I also like very much "go away and travel" With a six year old whose dad would never allow that and bills to pay I'm not saying those commitments would keep me with him, but I'm certainly not in a position to Eat, Pray, Love

the term midlife crisis in a justification used by people who need to add a reason to someone's behaviour. but it doesn't matter what the reason is, you are you, with your own personal history. right now all you know is your internal alarm system is sounding telling you something isn't right. listen to it. you don't know right now if its your issues or his behaviour causing it, so why wouldn't you take the time to find out, away from the intensity of the relationship? even if you do have 'trust issues' staying with a man who severely challenged them surely deserves some special thought? you won't resolve any issues at all staying with him and hoping they go away with time, you're just denying yourself the chance to understand yourself more.