this is wrong, isn't it?

[vieniqua]

History is that since having ds nearly 10 years ago, dh and I have had relationship problems. While pregnant, sex was uncomfortable and I completely lost all desire.

To be honest, I never got it back completely and it's been the cause of many rows, sulking, being told that I humiliate him and reject him. I am told that we never have sex (even though we probably average once every 10 days)

The other night, I was apparantly lying in bed like a piece of wood and not responding to his advances. He rolled over and was cold to me for 2 days. This happens every few months.

Then he says to me that to make it all ok, I have to promise to respond to his advances every time, even if I don't feel like it. An alarm bell has been ringing in my head ever since and I feel like that's all he wants me for.

His argument is that he wants lots of sex with me because he loves me and desires me. He says he is so affectionate, where lots of men he knows aren't with their wives, so I should be grateful. He says I show him no affection (I don't agree with this) and I humiliate him by not being interested in sex with him every time he wants to.

We've been having the same arguement for 10 years and we never resolve anything. We should call it a day shouldn't we? I can't make my libido return and he won't accept a relationship without constant sex.

I'm losing all respect for him and feel that he needs to be with someone who can fulfil all his desires. I'm so tired of the same arguments, but feel sad for my children if this may be the reason why they can't live with their father.

If anyone can help clear my head that would be great.

[hellsbells76]

You sound lovely and far too good for this arsewipe. I'm glad you're finding the thread helpful.

[Jux]

He's not really capable of affection, without it leading to sex
he won't take any responsibility himself
he sees it as my problem only
he's never ever done a bedtime

I could continue quoting you, but I won't.

vieniqua, these all show your dh as a classic selfish bastard. As you are thinking of it anyway, I am happy to say, go ahead, leave the bastard.

He is a crap husband and a crap dad. He blames you for everything and evades reponsibility for himself. He does not share in family life, but leaves it to you.

No bloody wonder you are tired. It's not just that looking after children is tiring, or that housework is tiring or that both are jobs which never end. It is mostly that you are fighting against the idea that your husband is a lazy sod who has you running around keeping him serviced and jumping to a click of his fingers. He'll be nice to you if you fuck him. FGS. He's a bloody neanderthal and you and your children will be better away from him.

[Moanranger]

Your H sounds a lot like my STBXH - hassle you all the time for sex, it's all about them & their needs. It does become a form of rape or at the least EA. a caring partner would not WANT to have sex with someone who was not enjoying it. I suspect that your lack of libido is the result of his pressure. If you want to continue the relationship, counselling would be the best approach, but if he does not change & you stay with him your self-esteem will suffer. He does not sound like a very nice person.

[EggyFucker]

This is so sad, OP

No one should have to live like this

Your husband treats you no better than a blow up doll, and withdraws his support when you don't open your legs often enough

He is vile.Please go back to your family. Don't stay with him because of your children. They won't thank you for that.

[EggyFucker]

This is so sad, OP

No one should have to live like this

Your husband treats you no better than a blow up doll, and withdraws his support when you don't open your legs often enough

He is vile.Please go back to your family. Don't stay with him because of your children. They won't thank you for that.

[EggyFucker]

Sorry, having problems with my Sky connection < shakes fist at ceiling >

[vieniqua]

I truly hear what everyone is saying and I agree and have been feeling this awful way for so many years (on and off, as when he's happy, I'm deluded that it's all been fixed).....BUT
his point of view is this:

When he's having lots of sex, he feels loved and wanted and feels like putting his heart and soul into the marriage. When he's not, he withdraws because he says he doesn't feel wanted or loved.

I am NOT justifying him, but I think he truly believes this and no matter what I say I don't think I could convince him that just because I don't feel like sleeping with him, doesn't mean I don't love him.

He's ground me down tbh and I didn't have the conversation with him last night, I have to find some courage from somewhere.

Thank you for your continued support, I agree with what you're all saying and do want to leave, as I don't think he'll change, but I do want to talk to him about it by putting all your viewpoints across. But I know he'll get mad if he feels accused, so I want to talk to him in a non accusatory way. It's probably futile anyway because he truly believes the problem is mine and mine only.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"When he's having lots of sex, he feels loved and wanted and feels like putting his heart and soul into the marriage. When he's not, he withdraws because he says he doesn't feel wanted or loved."

And you could equally say... that when he withdraws and is nasty to you because you don't feel like having lots of sex you feel pressured, coerced, emotionally blackmailed, unloved, unwanted, unhappy and you are not in the slightest bit aroused.

If he interprets an explanation of your feelings as an 'accusation' he's just a bully. If he blames you and only you for the problem, he is an insensitive bully. So say what you have to say and judge him by his reaction.

[Branleuse]

maybe its time to split up. being constantly rejected for sex IS humiliating and if you're just not that into him and he is you,then either try and regain some passion or split.

[Lueji]

In a way, it is your problem.
He's insensitive and a bully. He won't try to see your point of view or respect you as a woman to actually makes you want to feel like having sex.
What will you do about it?

[Helltotheno]

Branleuse objectively it really can't be said this guy is constantly being rejected...he's actually doing ok. Maybe he just needs to defocus from his own selfish wants and think about others for a while? OP has already said he's not even a great father so what is the point of him?

OP could you talk to anyone in rl and explain the situation and how unhappy you are, like a good friend or family member? Don't for a minute think there's anything valid in what he said...its just more emotional blackmail designed to make you feel bad and think everything is your fault. He's just a selfish twunt...

[EggyFucker]

After all these years, he isn't going to suddenly see your viewpoint

Stop talking to him, and start talking to a professional who can help you leave

womans aid is a good place to start

[Jux]

Abuse abuse abuse! That's what he's doing. By all means try to talk. He won't see it, won't admit anything - even the possibility that he may be playing some part in this.

Sex can be completely loveless so his excuse that that's what makes him feel loved is bollocks. He's broken. Does he think his children love him? Does he love his parents? Does he have sex with them too? Of course not, I'm sure. It's an excuse to make you responsible, at fault, to blame, so he can just get his rocks whenever he wants to without having to do anything to deserve it. He might as well go somewhere and pay for it for all he can be bothered to do anything to deserve it from you.

God, he makes me [anger] on your behalf. I loathe and despise men like this.

[vieniqua]

Thank you all for your words and understanding. We finally did talk this morning and he's agreed that it's over. Completely right Jux, won't see it, won't admit anything. It's all my fault, I am destroying the family. He's incredibly angry and says he won't go to counselling, he's the perfect husband, affectionate all the time.
I'm a mess, can't stop crying, but I know I've done the right thing. I feel relief, but I'm worried that I will cave in and say sorry like I usually do. Deep down there's still love for him though, what do I do with that?

[Helltotheno]

OP it's right thing for you to split, even though you might not fully feel it now.
Please talk to family and friends about it first. Don't allow yourself to be worn down. The people who care about you will support you.

[EggyFucker]

Channel that misguided love into yourself, you deserve it

You can't work at something if the other is not willing to compromise. A marriage cannot be saved unilaterally.

he has told you in no uncertain terms it would have to be you turning yourself into a Stepford Wife if he is going to stick around.

Never. Gonna. Happen.

[Helltotheno]

OP there's no need for you to say sorry, you owe him nothing. Whatever you do, don't cave and say sorry. Keep referring back to this thread. He's trying to blame you now and you have to stand up for yourself and make sure he doesn't get to do that.

He might as well go somewhere and pay for it for all he can be bothered to do anything to deserve it from you.

This 100%. He'll come to realise nobody else with put up with his arsey behaviour either.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

Bollocks is he the perfect husband. Nobody's perfect! And he sounds like a complete cock. I have no brilliant advice for you as you've had loads but I bet your neck and shoulders feel a lot better once you're shot of this dick. I get sore neck and shoulders when I am tense and stressed and it gets stiff and sore. I bet once you feel more relaxed from not being under pressure all the time then you'll feel better. Good luck sweetheart, you'll be fine x

[LibertineLover]

OP can I ask if the sex is good sex? for you I mean? does he push your buttons ever? you should never have sex when you don't want to, but maybe if you worked on the quality of the sex you would be jumping in the sack?

Not minimilising his shitty behaiour, this is food for thought for any ongoing relationships you may go on to have.

[Lueji]

Good on you for ending it.
I think his reaction is very telling. He's still blaming you.

Do you actually love him or the man you hoped he would be?

[vieniqua]

libertine, it can be good when I feel "in the mood" but it's not like it used to be. My friend saw me looking upset this morning and wants me to go over to hers to talk. I hate airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, but maybe it's a good idea?

[vieniqua]

I don't know Lugji, I'm so utterly confused. I don't know what to do logistically or what to tell the children. I don't even know if I'm strong enough to not go backwards. It's so scary and my parents are a million miles away.