Am I overreacting?

[Catbiscuit]

DH and I are having problems at the moment. Arguing a lot.
I seem to be very easily irritated at his absent minded ness / not being paying attention to family life or me (the way I see it!). He sees it as me being narky with him for little things.
We had a big row at the end of last week as he was going to London for a social event with old friends after work. (He works from home, for himself, I am a sahm). He casually told me in passing on the morning that he was thinking of leaving earlier (about lunch time) to meet with business contacts to discuss a business idea involving renting offices in London and taking on employees.
I expressed surprise and concern that he would have a business meeting about such a big change without mentioning it to me first or discussing it. I gave up my job to look after our three young children and feel nervous not knowing or having an input in to the family financial decisions. We argued for ages and his point f view was that its his business and I must have a chip on my shoulder about becoming a sahm to feel so insecu about it. I don't. I love it, it's hard work but I wouldn't want it any other way at the moment.
He left for London in the end having agreed not to have this meeting until we have talked more.
He said before he left that he had lots of work on at the moment and wast sure but thought he would probably be back that evening on the last train rather than staying over night at a friends house as planned. I wasn't aware until then that he'd planned to stay overnight originally.
I asked him to let me know for definite what he decided. He said yes he would.
A 9pm ish I hadn't heard anything, sent a message saying are you back tonight as you said? He said 'ill keep you updated'
I didn't hear anything else from him until 9am the next day.
I phoned at 7 am, 8am and 9 am and eventually he responded when I sent a message saying 'just reply to let me know you are safe!!' So he replied 'sorry, all ok' and then got home mid afternoon. Could not understand why I was pissed off. Said just enjoying time off from work, not having to look at his phone all the time.
I'm getting really wound up by little things all the time. This morning the kids couldn't find their gloves on the way out the door to school. I said I'll sort it, I'll just get the car going. Put the door on the catch, got the kids in the car and put engine and heater on to defrost it etc. went back to front door and dh has taken it off the catch and pottered off upstairs. I ring the bell a few times, no answer, go back turn car off again and get my key, go back indoors to get gloves and dh is day dreaming upstairs. I'm cross and snappy with him. He's all defensive and 'I'm sorry I didn't hear the door bell!!'
I think these little examples of him being absent minded and not paying attention to what's going on around him are winding me up so much because of the bigger examples of him focussing only on work/him/social things and not paying attention to the family and me.
He can just see me snapping at him all the time and as far as he's aware he just didn't hear the door bell.
He would never be rushed out the door without his own gloves in the snow, but sees no problem with rushing the kids out the door without their gloves for the day.
I've been snappy and easily irritated for months now. I don't think he's changed, so I guess I have. I'm easily in tears and just feel like I'm not coping well with all the stress and busy-ness of life with three children, one being a very very active toddler who doesn't sleep much. I've become physically ill from it.
I think I have been expecting dh to step up and be different to fill the gap where I'm not coping while I'm struggling and he can't/won't and can't see what's the problem when he's still the same as he always has been and it used to be good enough.
Am I depressed? Feel a bit lost really. I think I have probably not made much sense at all here!!

No, I understand what you've said, Cat. Fron what I can infer from your post, there are two main problems:

1. You and your DH are around eachother too much around the home.
2. He sees your 'work' as being the SAHM. He doesn't seem to appreciate that there's no start time; no finish time. You don't get to leave your work. It's constant. He does indeed need to step up.

Even if it was help with the little things, like tidying up in the morning, making the kids beds, washing up, etc. Like you, I'd be really angry if he just went off leaving me hanging around, wondering when he's gonna come home. Yeah, I'd e seriousy pissed.

I don't think you are necessarily depressed, but you could be at a low ebb because you feel unsupported. You then get frustrated, become 'aggressive' for want of a better word and it's a vicious cycle. Have a good, long talk with your DH and see what you can sort out. It might be something simple like he looks after the children so that you can take a couple of hours out on your own. Or, assign some tasks for him to do to help you.

Being a SAHM is hard work. It's just undervalued in our culture because women don't actually earn any money.

I think he is the problem.

Has his behaviour always been like this? Has he always not given a fig for what you or the children want or need? How much does he help out at home?

The visit to London would set of alarm bells for me. My DH often works from home, and at one point was working for himself. He always makes it clear if when he is going to be out, he phones if he says he will, and doesn't stay over night unless he's told me (except once when he had to crash on a friends floor due to snow, even the he phoned me to tell me where he was).

Could he be having an affair?

Are you a director of his company? If so you should be involved in all business decisions. If he doesn't have a company you should be consulted as if anything goes wrong it is your marital assets which could be in danger.

So basically - stripping away all the stuff about financial input and gloves - he decided to stay out all night at short notice and didn't think you would be at all entitled to know where he was, with whom or what he was doing?

Cherchez la femme dear....

Hi I don't post much here but didnt want to read and run. I don't think you are depressed I think with all stay at home mums we just need to feel valued and I think from reading your post that is what I picked up I don't have much wise advice but just wanted to send out big hugs xxxxx

I don't think you're depressed, I think your DH is an arse.

I never usually suggest another woman but his behaviour is ringing alarm bells...

I agree with Willow

Even if there wasn't another woman involved, at very least he's a selfish arse!

And, whilst you mention that you don't mind being a SAHM, whose decision was it for you to leave employment? A joint decision? You do need to be part of financial decisions, Cat, because as well as what was mentioned about marital asserts upthread, you can end up just feeling like the W.I.F.E (washing, ironing, fucking, etc). Not good. This is how women lose their self esteem and sense of 'place', outside of the home.

As others have said now, I think it's important that you address where exactly he was during that particular night you've talked about. It sounds iffy ... it needs clarity.

Sounds like my dh . He complained this morning that he would have to take the cakes I had made for his collegues in across two days as there was too many. I made four plates full. He complained last time because he didn't know when he would take them because he was in meetings . he was also cross at the weekend because I ruined Saturday night by falling asleep at at 9pm. We should dump them and move in together . I'll appreciate you.

There's definitely no affair. He's always home or with people I know and trust (works from home and all of his activities, sports things and socialising are with close friends of both of ours, eithere here or with totally trustworthy people) there's no time for another woman!
He works hard (and does well with his work, we are very lucky to have no money worries at the moment). He works all day at home. Stops for tea when I say its ready then eats with us all, baths the kids and helps put the older ones in bed while I settle the youngest. Then he usually works again till 10pm ish.
I tend to go to bed soon after the little one does as its about 10pm by then and for me getting ill is directly related to not getting enough sleep.
Dh usually stays up till 1 or 2 am every night. He has various hobbies that he doesn't have time to keep up with (weights, writing, playing an instrument, online games etc) and tries to squeeze as much as he can into his time!
He's been doing more in the house lately. When it became clear I wasn't coping and was getting ill, after lots of talking and arguing he agreed to do more. He clears up the kitchen and the toys before he goes to bed each night.
He doesn't take that time out of his free time though, he tacks it on the end and takes it out of his sleep time.
I think that him constantly being sleep deprived is a big part of his absent minded ness. He disagrees, says he is perfectly on the ball with work and that if I think he should get more sleep then he will have to stop doing the chores he is doing to fit it in...
Weekends we tend to go out, always have lots to do and places to go. It's the only time we all have together so I don't want to send him away with all the children so I can do chores, I want to be joining in with the fun things too.

He needs to see with his own eyes how demanding being a SAHM is, rather than feeling nagged into it by you, IYSWIM. Dunno how you'll get him to see that; he probably feels that his plate is full enough and that you just don't 'cope' well with 3 DCs. His perspective needs to shift.

I think he finds it really hard to understand other people's point of view.
If I said to him I was going out 3 nights next week, he'd say oh that's nice, you could do with a night out, you haven't been out for ages and he'd put it in his diary.
That's because he loves nights out and wishes he could do it more (he already has a decent amount)
He can't understand me saying though that I want him to spend that same amount of time away from work, in charge of the kids and house so I can just breathe and have a break and catch up on some rest as that's a waste in his mind.
One of our children is on the autistic spectrum and struggles in the same way. Dh totally acknowledges that he is probably also on the autistic spectrum.
Doesn't help when I'm feeling stressed though!

My h used to be just like this.

It means he thinks he us more important than you and you as a person don't matter so much as his needs. Because "he works hard".

I think it is outrageous that now you have jointly agreed to lose one income, he thinks that major business decisions are not your affair. Operational matters, no, but major financial decisions, certainly. We run a business too.

There may or may not be OW, who knows, but his attitude to the relationship most certainly spells trouble in that department for the future. It did eventually with my h, and I would never have believed it of him.

One other thing- are you sure it wouldn't be advisable to work just one or two days a week, to keep your hand in, skills updated etc? And sanity. If not, please do not drop all of your own interests outside home.

I don't think I'm dropping my own interests. I've got quite a few close friends and I do lots with the children, with and without friends. The things I do and people I see are not just based around the kids either. We are grown up friends too if that makes sense!!
I haven't worked for 8 years. My previous career only really exists in London and we don't live near London any more!
If I got a part time job now, I'd be on minimum wage where we live. That's if I could find a part time job. What I'd earn would most likely be less than what it would cost in child care. Plus would leave me with even less time to fit everything in at home and with the children that I am struggling to fit in now...

We've talked a few times about having counselling. Dh has suggested it. I said I would go if he'd like to arrange it. He will never arrange it.
Same with nights out together. It would be a good idea for us to spend time together that is relaxing instead of during bathtime with the kids etc. but it only happens if I work out a good time, arrange babysitters (not easy!!) and book somewhere, then remind him several times.
I feel over whelmed I think as I feel I have to organise everything. Have to use all my brain space with the mundane tasks that make up family life, to keep things ticking over and I just can't get a break from always being in organiser mode.
I wish I could just have a few hours of not having to worry about thinking ahead or organising. But then the kids wouldn't eat, no one would be dressed. Homework wouldn't get done, the house would be a tip!
Dh will do anything I ask him at the weekend for example if I said can you do the homework with dc1 while I do reading with dc2? He will say yes and do it.
If I don't plan that and ask, he would sit there watching tv or on his phone and just wait for me to do both the homework and the reading and then wait for me to say what's happening next!

It is nice for them to leave their responsibilities at the door and relax. This is why they wait to be asked as it doesn't occur to them that there is anything to do as home is our responsibility. Unfortunately we are at work 24/7.

OP - I can see elements of your description of DH in myself from about 15 years ago, when we had small DCs. At the time I also worked at home full time. I have some suggestions which may or may not be practical / useful.

The 24/7 working at home thing is a disaster in this situation because he has no demarcation between the two. You mention that he's doing quite well - could some money be diverted into him renting office space so he's at work when he's out and at home when he's at home? I know this work/home issue is more blurred nowadays than it used to be - but I think this could help. Problem is that his perspective on the home is that it's his office and so he's constantly in "work mode" and doesn't give a fuck about the "distractions".

Can you arrange to be away for a couple of days so he has to run the home and DCs full-time for 48 hours or so? I suspect he has no idea how demanding this is. At the moment he probably thinks, yeah she works hard but I work hard too - and nothing beyond that. A short term total immersion might change his perspective a little. I remember when DW had to go away twice for a couple of days and I was put in this situation and remember quite clearly thinking, fuck me, this is horrible - working is a piece of piss compared to this.

Unfortunately nagging him and arguing with him (although totally understandable) is never going to work. Due to the 24/7 work at home business - he's mentally more or less constantly in "work mode" and will just respond as such. I appreciate it's hard but could you organise some time where you sit down and address the running of the house / DCs in business terms, i.e. this isn't working for us, we need to share certain tasks. How about you do X, Y and Z on Mondays etc etc. It's not ideal because it's still up to you to sort it out and monitor it but at least he might become trained into doing certain things. Of course it would be much better if he'd step up to the plate and do his share but it's never going to happen so aiming your sights slightly lower might be a better practical solution.

Whatever you try - good luck.