Do EA's really change?

[catkin14]

I was married to an EA for 27 years. He would sulk I did something he didnt like, would do the same with the DS's. He would make us feel guilty for all sorts of perceived misdemeanours.
I was questioned constantly about where i was going/how long/who did i speak to/why was i late and so on.
We couldnt talk to him because he was always right, is was his way or not at all.
He had little or no contact with elder 2 DS and when he did it was just a long stream of criticisms. When middle DS moved out of home he didnt say goodbye/all the best etc. He didnt even know where he lived.

So after plucking up a huge amount of courage I left him, approx 2 weeks ago. Years of the way he is and feeling forever on edge incase i did something to displease him had totally taken away all my love and respect for him.

Since then he has been in pieces, says he is so sorry for his behaviour, made contact with DS's, taking them out, spending money on them, telling them hes taking them on holiday.
To give them their credit they have been very generous towards him, meeting him half way.
He is pleading for another chance (yet another), says i was his life, everything he did was for the family (he has worked away for many years but is a very high earner) and saying his life has no meaning now i am not there.

Do EA's ever really change? I know it has only been a couple of weeks but I cant get my head round the total change in him? Is this more mind games??
It is making me question everything I thought and to some extent making me feel in the wrong here! I dont know whats real anymore...
Sorry long post : /

How many "chances" have you already given him?

What happened all those other times, and what is different now?

Did you leave him to purely give him a massive wake up call, hoping for this outcome

Or did you leave him because he finally killed all your love and respect for him?

No.... And besides, it's not a change in this case, it's just a continuation of the same manipulative behaviour. I call it 'good cop, bad cop'.... when the chips are down & defeat is staring them in the face they are quite capable of being quite charming and lovely. You start to think that maybe this is the real them and maybe there's hope... so your defences weaken and you consider a reconciliation. But we all know damn well that, should you cave in and fall for their crap, it would be business as usual very quickly.

What you should learn from this is that for 27 years he could have chosen to behave this way.... but opted not to. Courage because, (if he runs true to type) when you reject this nicey-nicey act properly, he'll turn into the world's biggest shit threatening all sorts.

Eggy - 2 chances, left before when DS were younger but thought it would be better for them if we were together. Whats different is that i am older and am more sure of myself. I left because I do not love or respect him and felt he deserved to be with someone that would love him. His behaviour made me feel very angry but i couldnt say it to him as he wouldnt speak to me for days.

I just cant work out why it took me to leave for him to be at the very least pleasant to his DC's?

You can't? It's because he's lost. Emotional abuse often originates from a place of either insecurity or supreme arrogance where the most important part for the abuser is to be in control... to win... to be dominant. His bullying succeeded in doing that for 27 years so he had no motivation to change tack. It was a successful strategy. You pulling the rug meant he had to have a rethink. But it is only temporary.... get everyone back on side and, when the dust has settled, go back to old tricks.

He doesn't deserve someone who will love him. He had that in spades and he squandered it. You OTOH do....

Cogito is right...this illustration might be helpful for your understanding too...

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

yes he's very lost. He has only a couple of friends and is leaning on DS heavily.
I hope he now wont try to turn DS's against me? Because i wont go back with him.. and how could i not when he is doing all this for them, being the father he always should have been?!

He's doing the Disney Dad act...don't fall for it....it is an act....

When I say 'lost' I mean as in lost the competition.... You say he's a high earner, presumably quite successful in his field, used to getting his own way? People like that want to win at all costs. If that means being Mr Nice Guy for a while, that's what he'll do. It's very cynical.

As for turning your DSs against you.... how old are they? If they've had a long history of constant criticism and being sidelined etc I expect they are quite happy to exploit his guilt & let him spend his money, but they'll probably see right through it.

cat, my own father is just like this

he will also die a lonely old man...not my problem though, and he is not yours

there is no way he will turn your dc against you

try to switch off your sense of responsibility towards him...he is a grown man who has made his own choices with plenty of opportunities to do better along the way which he never took

detach detach detach

it's the MN mantra, but it's a cliche for a very good reason

PS. Don't ever take him back.

27 years and you are wondering if he's changed???
Listen to the advice given already.
You have done the right thing and you know it.

Well done!

Thanks for helping me realign my thinking again!
I have had a day out of the house and the freezing cold wind has been like a slap in the face as well!
I have also spoken to my middle DS (age 21). He is able to see exactly what his father is up to and is not fooled which is a great relief to me.
H is now saying he is going to move to the same village as me as cant bear to be parted from his youngest DS (age 14).. oh joy!
I shall go to bed thinking of the MN mantra, thanks : )

Unfortunately it is extremely unlikely this 'nice' bit will last. When it dawns on him you are not falling for his manipulations he is lilkely to revert very quickly back to type and I think the same with your children which is really sad.

If on the flying pigs chance this has made an impact on him strongly enough for him to want to make some meaningful changes to his life and deeply self-reflect, then that will be a long and slow process and will require an awful lot of work on his part on himself. Whilst I don't like to say 'never' it is highly unlikely it will happen and he will put that work in. If he does then it will likely take years for a meaningful change to take place in his behaviours.

Basically the only thing that will let you know for sure is time and right now two weeks is not even a blip compared to 27 years of that behaviour.

Like others have said, detach deatch detach.

Good luck.

The short answer is NO:

the long answer is this:

Assessment of change in abusive people: Bancroft And Silverman 2002

Assessment of change in an abusive partner should draw on multiple sources of information (not just self-report), and include attention to the following issues at a minimum:
Has he made full disclosure of his history of physical and psychological abuse? A perpetrator must overcome denial and minimizationIt is common for abusers to claim to have changed while simultaneously denying most of the history of abuse, and a sceptical view should be taken of such assertions.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is unacceptable? We find that some perpetrators who claim to have changed continue to justify their past abusive behavior, One indication of an abuser who may be making serious progress is his unqualified statements that his behaviour was wrong.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is a choice? Some perpetrators may acknowledge that abuse is wrong but make the excuse that they lost control, were intoxicated, or were in emotional distress.
Does he show empathy for the effects of his actions on his partner and children? As evidence of change, a perpetrator should be able to identify in detail the destructive impact his abuse has had without shifting attention back to his own emotional injuries, grievances, or excuses.
Can he identify what his pattern of controlling behaviours and entitled attitudes has been? In order to change, he has to see that his violence grows out of abusive behaviours and attitudes and be able to name the specific forms of abuse he has relied on and the entitled beliefs that have driven those behaviours.
Has he replaced abuse with respectful behaviours and attitudes? A changing abuser responds respectfully to his (ex-)partner?s grievances, meets his responsibilities, and stops focusing exclusively on his own needs.
Is he willing to make amends in a meaningful way? We have observed that abusers who are making genuine change develop a sense of long-term indebtedness towards their victims.
Dopes he accept there are consequences for his actions Our clients who make substantial progress come to recognize that abusive behaviour rightly carries consequences with it, which may include the woman?s decision to end the relationship or the placement of restrictions on the abuser?s access to his children. On the other hand, continued anger or externalizing of responsibility regarding such consequences tends to portend a return to abusive behaviour.

sorry for the essay.

Hope that helps

and 2 weeks...anyone can be nice for that long!

Stay strong Catkin. Don't go back. Like you I have had 30 years of EA in my marriage. I nearly escaped 3 years ago as things had hit rock bottom (again). I didn't recognise it at the time but my H could see that he was losing his control. then he made all the right noises and finally seemed to listen to me. Even though i had doubts, I was talked around though with declarations of it all being different. It was fine for a short time but then the same behaviours came back but ramped up even more as my H desperately tried to put me back in the box he preferred me to be in. Once he had reeled me back in, the way he behaved was so much worse than before. He had me treading on egg shells till I became physically ill last year with the stress of being around him and living with even more extremes of "his" way. Eventually this affected by mental health too. When it is wrong, even if your conscious thoughts won't let you think it, your unconscious thoughts will and you start to feel ill. It's no way to live. Your children won't be turned against you. My child who is younger than yours sees through my H completely. Your children will too. I am getting out now and can't wait to begin my new beginning with just me and my child enjoying being free and relaxed. We have been totally oppressed. You stay free too. You'll be fine. Enjoy your freedom and let him do the crying and fretting all he likes. It my experience, it's crocodile tears anyway. It's all an act. It's just a guilt trip to reel you back in. Listen to the wise words of the other posters, they know what they are talking about. Reading their responses on EA has saved my sanity and given me the strength to change things. Detaching is essential to get your life back. When it finally happens it feels such a relief. You can do it. Wishing you all the best. X

catkin I did the same as you and left after 28 years. My Ex wasn't openly abusive to me until I said I was considering leaving and I think in a panic he spiralled down into open and full on nastiness, which made it easier to leave!
Since I left he has learned to run the home and even bake cakes. He takes the DC on expensive foreign holidays and is generous to them all with sports gear and travel. I think he is trying to prove to himself I made an awful mistake leaving him.
I found although I can't compete with him financially my DC like to spend time chilling and relaxing with me, whereas time with DF is always about achieving and visible success.
Trust yourself, you have been a loving and consistent parent all those years, while he is making a special effort and won't be able to sustain it. And if he has become a nicer person then that is all to the good for your DC. But it doesn't mean you have to give him another chance.