How to cope with mil passive aggressiveness

[dogtiredandfedup]

Whenever anyone says anything she doesn't like she just shuts them out and stops talking to them until she decides she will talk to them again. Have witnessed this now with her sister and to a lesser extent with my dsil ( her dd) she refused to see or talk to me for 6 mths last year but that is a long story. Currently she is not speaking to her dsis. When she has cut someone out she expects fil and my younger Dbil to do the same. My dh is wary of tackling her about anything cos he knows what she will do. I just feel so wary of her and now try not to spend much time with her which is frustrating my dh and causing us to argue. Any advice

Can't offer advice, but am joining you, in sympathy, for advice as my Mil is the same!

Apparently she has always been like this maybe I'm finding it so hard because my family are of the talk/argue about an issue, resolve it then forget about it. Dh says he has never known his dm to admit she is wrong about anything but she has started just cutting people out for the smallest (perceived) thing. She says and does a lot of things with my ds I really don't feel comfortable with but since the awful behaviour last year which nearly split my marriage up I feel forced to ignore her. My dh is a lovely man and did stick up for me last year but he is of the anything for a quiet life school of thought like the rest of the family who just seem glad when it is not them she has cut out this time! Not one of her own family will tackle her and if they do she feigns an illness eg chest pain!

Sulking or the silent treatment is attention-seeking behaviour. The best response to attention-seeking behaviour is to deny the person the attention they crave. 'Tackling' her is therefore counterproductive. 'Ignoring' is better. If your FIL and BIL are so feeble that they join in with her rubbish, more fool them. If everyone tries to keep the peace and is frightened to say boo to the goose, she'll carry on as normal.

So get on with your life, enjoy your family, enjoy your friends and, if you have to spend time with her, just be yourself.... no pandering or special treatment. If you disagree with her, say so, and if she goes into a sulk... ignore, ignore, ignore.

Ignore her right back! Cogito is right it is attention seeking behaviour. My mil can be very much like this, it's taken a while but I have detached myself from her now. I'm perfectly polite when I see her but make little effort beyond that. If she is in a sulk I just get more cheerful with others around me and pretend she's not there.

You can't have a meaningful relationship with someone like that so why try?

"If she is in a sulk I just get more cheerful with others around me and pretend she's not there"

LOL! I do this. Feels like managing a wrinkly toddler... 'See what fun we're having over here without you? See how much fun you could have if you weren't such a silly billy?'.

BTW Another tactic is to go the polar opposite and be utterly obsequious and attentive, spoiling them with compliments and random gifts. IME People like that are usually too thick to know you're taking the piss.

Agree with Cogito, she's a stupid childish arse surrounded by weaklings... if I were in that position, I'd just take the piss out of her and make breezy/sarcastic comments like 'well we won't get an answer of out X because she's being a sulky ickle toddler and not talking to anyone', followed by breezily continuing on my way and ignoring her. What a prat...