I did it, I went to see my toxic mother and got my stuff

[hiddenhome]

I'm still in a state of shock.

For the past three weeks I've been unable to sleep and I've been having terrible nightmares about her house. I lived there for 15 years with her and moved out about 18 years ago.

I left a lot of my stuff behind and some of my late father's stuff was there too - mostly books and records.

Well, it dawned on me that when she dies I would never be able to get my dad's things and they'd just end up in a car boot sale or something. One book in particular was troubling me. I dreamt last week that she was in hospital and that dh and I went over and broke into her house to get my stuff.

This evening I couldn't stand it any longer, so I begged dh to help me by going over there. Ds1 (who has never met her) offered to help as well, so we all went over. My heart was almost beating out of my chest and I felt terrible. Dh and Ds1 weren't looking forward to it either.

She answered the door eventually and we went in, she ignored me, but chatted to dh and ds1 and I told her I'd come for my stuff and just went upstairs. I located my dad's book and then tried to find my stuff. The house was a mess. I got a few books and my dad's records, death certificate, a photo, his wallet and a chess set. I came across a cat in my old bedroom. We just stared at each other. I was shaking and kept dropping stuff. Eventually, I came downstairs and I just left. Dh and ds1 followed. It was as simple as that.

This woman who terrorised me and who did nothing but harm to me is living in bad health in a horrible house with a cat. It was pathetic.

I am so relieved that I have my dad's book. That will be the last I ever see of her. I hope the nightmares stop now.

I have nobody else to tell this to. I have a splitting headache and feel exhausted. I feel like crying, but can't allow myself to. I just feel so weird.

Oh hidden what a very brave thing to do. No wonder you are overwhelmed.
How are you feeling now?

I can't stop crying. I feel terrible. I feel like its grief or something.

I have to force myself not to care anymore.

Most of my stuff was just gone. I don't know where. There was just bits and pieces. All I really wanted was my dad's book from when he was in the church. I wish he was here.

hugs to you. Very brave. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling.

Oh, and the weird thing was that she had just come out of hospital. I had this strange feeling. I hate this.

thank you. I might just have a sherry and a tramadol and go to bed.

Hi Hidden, I hope you are ok, I think what you did was extremely brave and ultimately a powerful and healing thing.

Feeling what you feel is overwhelming at times, but it does lessen after it is really felt, even if it can only be in bits and pieces and whatever you can cope with at the time.

I hope you have a good nights rest.

xx