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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

family problems :'(

19 replies

mummyof2amy · 24/03/2013 17:46

Hiya. Me and my partner have been together 4 years and got 2 gorgeous kids. 15 month & 3 month. We lived in manchester and I wanted to move back to my hometown due to my mum finding out she had breast cancer.

My partner explained to me that if we moved my family would interfer and stick their noses in. I said this wouldn't happen.

So we moved back to my hometown & we have a 2 bedroomed house and my family are starting interfering again. Icurrently on anti depressants for having depression for over a year and never sorted it out. And all the arguing etc is getting me down and I don't know what to do about it. Also an argument that they interfered in was I changed my kids second name to their fathers and I got fallen out with cos of that and he got a bollocking.

I'm feeling really low & depressed, especially today. The doctor said if I was to feel like this to take up to 30mg of anti depressant as it won't hurt me, will just make me feel better.

Would would you mums suggest? As I love this lad with aLl my heart & hea brilliant daddy to his kids..its just really getting me low, please any advice would be lovley, even if it was to cheer me up :)

OP posts:

izzyizin · 24/03/2013 17:56

Admit you were wrong to your partner and either move further away again, or tell your interfering family members to butt out and go no contact with them if they refuse to comply.

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 18:04

Depends on in what way they are interfering and what the arguments are about really.

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 18:07

Why did you change the dcs surname, why were they upset by this and is there a backstory for example?

auforfoulkesake · 24/03/2013 18:08

stand up to the interfering.

what are they doing?

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 24/03/2013 18:35

I changed the kids last name to my partners because he is their dad. If we want together no more then I wudnt have changed it. Everyone I know their kids have got their dads name. And interferin as in tellin us wat t do with the kifs etc

OP posts:

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 19:49

Why did they not have their dad's name from the beginning though? (I can think of lots of feminist leaning reasons) Did he register the birth with you? Why would your family be upset about that? Have you been together the whole time?

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 24/03/2013 20:10

No not been together the whole time. When my son was born we'd split up so he had my second name. We got back together n a year later we had are daughter. And becaise my son had my second name we registered my daughter in my second name and was going to change both at same time by depol to his second name. But something came about it and I could change my sons name on his actually birth certificate, so now I only need to do are daughters thru depol..

They are upset about it because they wanted the kids to have my second name when it shunt b like tht. It shud be their dads name they have

OP posts:

pinkpaws · 24/03/2013 20:14

Hi i thinks its lovely of you to move back to be with your mum and help at this difficult time. But you need to be strong and let other family know that you and your partner are a team this includes his children having his last name. Also if it all gets to much that you may have to accept that your partner knows your family best and move again.

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 20:34

I don't get from this that the DP knows the family best. He was not around when the first baby was born. Ops family might have genuine concerns, particularly if they are both young. so I think there is a need to balance "interfering" vs "controlling" behavior on both sides.

JudithIscariot · 24/03/2013 20:35

Not nearly enough info here.

DaffodilAdams · 24/03/2013 20:43

I with Judith here. Reservations about how interfering your family actually is and how controlling your partner may be i.e. whether their concerns are valid. Whose idea was it to change your children's surname? Why did you split up?

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 25/03/2013 07:28

I am 23 and my partner is 24. We split up because I was going thru depression and it was me who split with him. All he wanted was to be the dad to his son. He met his son when he was 2 months old, he's 15months now and we have a 3 month. My partner is NOT controlling in any way, if it was any one I think I would say it was me what says goes and dosnt. The reason my family are been like they are is because iv always wanted the kids to have my second name. But my partner wanted his, and all my friends told me it shud be his so it was MY choice to change them to his second name. End to it all my family (especially my nan) she just dosnt like my partner, but I aint gunna finish with him just because she dosnt like him. She's the sort of person that will get on with him but chat shit behind his back. I mean she's suppopsed to be my family, my nanna n not long ago she came to my house arguing with my partner. Then said she was ringing social services on us. That's jus her way of been nasty. These kids have everything they want/ need. We have a gorgeous nice clean home. She came round eventally and accepted that it was my idea to change it. But she's still starting with the smarky comments xx

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 25/03/2013 07:29

I would never move again as I want to be near my mum. She won't be clear for 5years of cancer. She still needs check ups. Plus this is where I grew up.

OP posts:

DaffodilAdams · 25/03/2013 08:26

But it wasn't your choice to change their names . It was his (and your friends). And why didn't he see his son for 2 months if all he wanted to be was a father to him?

Were you depressed during pregnancy or after the birth?

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 25/03/2013 14:29

I was depressed during pregnancy and afterwards and he didn't see him cos I wouldn't let him for reasons. I asked on here for advice not for a lecture.

How do tou delete these posts?

OP posts:

DaffodilAdams · 25/03/2013 14:52

A lecture? I'm not giving you a lecture. I am trying to get some more relevant details out of you so that people can offer advice. The details you are offering aren't really giving a clue as to who is being unreasonable. For example, "I wouldn't let him for reasons" gives us no clue as to whether or not that was a unreasonable or reasonable reaction to have; no indication of your boyfriend's behaviour at the time or the state of your relationship prior to you splitting up. Depression doesn't just happen in a vacuum. There are generally triggers.

Your family's behaviour doesn't sound great but there again if they had cause for concern then it wouldn't be unreasonable. I am just trying to establish whether they are right to be worried/interfere.

Original poster

mummyof2amy · 25/03/2013 15:21

He didn't see his son just because of what I was going thru. So I said he wasn't seeing him. I had depression from been pregnant with my first which was my son and just hadn't sorted it out.. I'd always said they would keep my second name instwad of having their dads. But now I want them to av their dads name they fell out with me

OP posts:

JudithIscariot · 26/03/2013 08:34

Maybe your family don't see him as reliable - in which case they may not be being SO unreasonable. Hence the questions. And as Daffodil says, there could be an underlying reason for your depression....context is everything.

Whocansay · 26/03/2013 08:42

You have to be very clear with your family that you have you own family now which includes your partner. And tell them in no uncertain terms to mind their own business.

And anyone who thinks its ok to threaten you with SS so she can win an argument, is not someone I'd want in my life or around my children.

Your family sound massively controlling (and so do you to a degree). I wouldn't want to live near your family either.

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