Accepting that it is over.

[DotCottonsHairnet]

Hi - my first post in a long while and first on this board.

I seperated from my husband of nearly 25 years at the end of 2012. We have 2 older teens. I am still living in our house but hope to move this year as a fresh start is very much needed. We are trying to remain friends and this works. Started now to sort financial stuff and he is being very fair.

Its just what happens next. I am finding itnhard to accept its over as we have been together for a long time. However he doesnt feel the same and I think he is ready to move on and I think he has met someone new.

I just need someone to tell me I will be ok - got lovely family and friends but not many have been through this so despite their best efforts dont always understand.

Btw he moved out and leaves a few miles away. Teens can visit but cant stay over due to lack of space. He sees them both for a while each week but as yet hasnt done more than this. They seem fine with it but actually it would suit me to have some down time as despite them being wonderful and helpful I would just like some me time.

Twenty five years is such a long time, it's only natural that you're taking a while to adjust to your new life. But is it him you're missing, or having someone there?

You will be ok. You're moving on to a new phase of your life. A new home with no sad memories, and your DC with you to make new memories. It's now time to discover who you are and what you want. It's an exciting opportunity. And there might be sad moments, but these will get fewer and fewer as time goes on. Onwards and upwards OP.

I think its just having someone there in the evenings I miss most - oh and to warm my feet on in bed.

I dont miss the EA and lies.

Trying to rebuild my life - new hobbies and interests.

Just hope a move happens soon so all his stuff can finally go - even things like his mug in the cupboard can set me off some days.

Teens finding it hard especially now I have mentioned that an OW might be about.

If it's not him, then it's just habit. You'd miss a boil on your bum if it was there long enough!

Can you box all of his things up and store them somewhere you don't have to think about them? Start planning colour schemes for when you get your new home, anything to get rid of him and his tastes and make it all about you and your teens.

And buy a hot water bottle for your feet.

A hot water bottle might snore less ;)

Actually just writing on here is helping as I realise just how emotionally better off I am despite a few wobbles in the past week.

I will get there :)

Course you will. And if you start thinking that you miss him, then write a list of all the EA you put up with and the lies he told you to remind yourself that you're free to spend the rest of your life free from that sort of treatment.

Ella - thank you xx

Hi, I just wanted to add my support. I just left my H after 27 years so even longer than yours. Also fed up with EA from him and trying to keep everyone else happy.
I too have 1 DS teenager at home with me and he is doing ok until he sees his father in tears because it is me that has done the leaving.
So we just take a day at a time and hope for some sunshine! You will be ok and so will I.
Its easy to look back with rose tinted glasses I have found..
Look after yourself

I think I need to focus on the future more too. Teens are sad but tbh he'd stopped being a hands on dad ages ago. He's done more with them in the past few months than the past few years. Only thing is a potential OW and I don't think they are ready to accept that.

Hi DCH. I am sorry you and your DC are going though this. I promise it does get better. I separated from my husband of a similar duration last year due to his cheating and we are (slowly) working through finances and divorce. For a while I was really down and could not imagine life without him.

Forward on a few months and I am mostly calm and happy. Strangely we still get on quite well, but I really don't miss him now. In fact we both plus kids spent two days together this weekend due to the snow and I was reminded of how much certain habits of his really bugged me. I found myself really looking forward to being back at home with just me and the children where I can lead my life exactly how I like it.

I actually really like being on my own with the kids now and I cannot imagine making room for a man in my life ever again (dates yes, living with me - hell no!).

I think until you have gone through a major separation like this, all the stuff that people tell you: time heals, focus on yourself, see this as a chance to change your life for the better etc all sound like so much guff. Actually it's all true. I am stronger and more comfortable with myself than I was when we were together because even the best relationships (and until I found out about OW I thought ours was one of the very best) involve compromising yourself and your wants and needs.

The OW thing is hard. My ex is on his second OW since leaving me (the great love for which he left me strangely did not last although I now know she was one of several he cheated with during our marriage). OW2 has a baby now (not his although they live together) and although I don't suppose we will ever be friends, I feel that the baby means it is time to stop refusing to meet her as he will only introduce the children to her and her baby in secret so I am slowly coming round to the thought that we will all have to meet and we will all have to at least try to get on.

Rather to my surprise I think I can do it because I genuinely don't want him back as my husband now. Even six months ago I would never have believed that could be the case.

Two small pieces of wisdom to pass on.

Find yourself a counsellor just for you to talk to and plan to see them for 10 weeks or so. I saw three different counsellors trying to find a good fit. Two were fine, but the third was perfect for me. Just a lovely sympathetic person who would listen to me cry and rant and be on my side and say at intervals, things like "it's really normal for you to feel like this now" and "don't worry, crying is pretty much obligatory at this stage" and "how awful for you, how do you feel about that?". I think seeing her was really the catalyst for me feeling as strong and calm as I do now.

And my top tip for that chilly feeling in bed when you are used to snuggling someone is get yourself both an electric blanket and a hot water bottle. Works for me!

My very best wishes to you. It's the hardest thing to go though, but I promise there is an end and it's better than what you had before. x

3mum - thank you. Am talking with a friend who is a consellor and that helps. This forum and the others who have been through the same is helping too. Have been readingnfor weeks but only just decided to join in.

Dot Adding my support too.

Do you think the OW was the cause of your marriage breakdown or do you suspect he has met someone since?

My exH denied any OW involvement, but when it eventually came out that the OW had been around and was the cause of his 'need for space', the reaction from our DCs (younger teens at the time) and in fact his own family - MIL etc was very strong. To this day none of them have met her and much of the anger was as a result of the 'cover up'. DS especially took it very badly and refused to have any contact with his father for quite a while.

Strangely though, as you say, his parenting with the DCs is much improved.

Also agree with counselling. I didn't do it and regret that - it took me a long time to get over the betrayal. Life now though is massively better.

Just be prepared for a DC backlash if an OW creeps out of the woodwork. They will be angry and also very hurt and you will have to deal with your own grief as well as theirs.

Yes, reading the Relationships boards has been a lifesaver. At the times when I felt most alone, there is always the MN community!