If you know about psychology... (mil / unfavoured GC)

[ShhHesAsleep]

I'm interested to hear the psychology behind two things that are mentioned semi-regularly. If you can shed any light on the what and why, I'd like to hear it.

1 MIL seems to get on with DIL well and have a good relationship until DIL becomes pregnant, then MIL (and possibly also SIL) are unkind and even cruel to DIL.
(in my case, unmarried so not-really-MIL)

2 MIL has an odd relationship with GC. Seemingly normal GP to the outside world, but actually not really interested. Meanwhile MIL very excited at the prospect of her daughter (not pregnant, no kids) having children. In my case, this is the only GC that MIL has. (The first time she saw her GC she declared the baby was already spoiled as he quietened on being held or fed.)

3 As well as MIL changing her behaviour to DIL on pregnancy, and actions speaking louder than words on new GC, I'll throw in- I'm now a single parent as ex-P has a blind spot about his mum and even when he agreed her behaviour was unfair, he expected me to "play nice" and rise above it. He ignores these things and hopes they go away.

Thanks

Can't help you I'm afraid but I struggle to understand how my own mother can so blatantly favour one GC (my DS) over another (my DD).

No idea on the psychology of it, but I know what you mean.

My MIL has no daughters, but has sons with children. These grandchildren live between 45 mins drive and 3 plane journeys away, and they may as well be the same (further) distance.

MIL often says that "grandchildren are emotionally closer to maternal grandparents" despite having no evidence or experience of this...
I think she just says that as an excuse to not bother her backside

I don't know anything about psychology of it, but I think it could be down to

1. you were your DP's 'girlfriend' in her mind, not the most important woman, someone he was having fun with, she can keep this up until you get married. But by getting pregnant, you've become a family unit, she now has to face what she hasn't before, you are now the #1 woman in his life.

2. She's not really interested in DGC, she wants to gloat/show off about them, but isn't really interested. Grannies are supposed to care and be gushing about their DGC, so she does what's socially expected, even though she's not fussed.

3. She probably feels closer to her DD than you - understandable, particuarly if she resents you taking 'her place' as number one woman in her DS's life as per point 1. She is therefore more excited at her DD become a mother as it will be a child she can be excited by that might make her closer to her child (SIL), whereas your DC has made her feel less close to her child (your DP). Plus remember point 2 - she could be doing the same when that child arrives, likes being able to say "my daughter has a child" and show photos, talk about them endlessly etc, doesn't mean she's actually going to put any effort in or care.

Thanks, I just thought that as these things seem to crop up here relatively often there must be someone who can shed some light on why.

Re: GC, MIL would clearly prefer that any GC were from daughters rather than sons. FIL says the opposite- married daughters don't pass on the family name so they're not real GC apparently.

Dontmind
I think you could be right! Point 3, I hadn't thought of it in that way but it seems likely.

Don't be under the illusion that because it's her DGD she will cherish her and adore her.

If you can, it's best not to try and work it out because you never will. Some people are just plain bitter and nasty. It is so sad because your daughter is innocent and I am sure georgous and doesn't deserve a mean spirited GM.

If I had GC I know that I would cherish and adore them more than anything, but sadly people like your Mil really do exist and they really don't care that much even if it is their own flesh and blood.

I'm meant to be studying some psych just now, nothing about MILs though!

I think don'tmind probably makes some good points.

her DS was now firmly part of his own family because of you.

maybe she just hasn't taken a shine to your GC. Reminds her of someone? Or a time when she was struggling with parenthood herself. Or maybe she prefers a particular age (I personally like toddlers bestest)

maybe she had an image in her head of how she'd feel and be as a grandmother and it's not doing it for her so now she's pinning her hopes on the DD providing a GC who will do it for her because she doesn't want to accept that it's something about her that leaves her 'not feeling it'. More comfortable to think it is a failing in you or your DC.

Lots of things it could be I suppose.

Agreeing with some earlier points.

Some insecure women find it very difficult to like their DSs' choice of partner because they see them as replacing Mum in the DS's affections. With their DD they are on safer ground because, unless the DD is gay, Mum will always be the most significant woman in their life.

If Mum doesn't like the girlfriend particularly, I think they hope that it's only temporary. Not being married probably keeps that hope alive. When a child comes along that can often be a hatchet-burying opportunity. However, some treat it as quite the reverse i.e. proof that a) the relationship is now permanent and b) this poor choice of partner is also a rubbish mother.

Sometimes a grandparent will very much favour the child of their favourite child. This obviously doesn't apply in your case (yet). How well does she get on with her son and is there a favourite between her son and daughter?

I think women generally pass on childcare support and advice to their own daughters but not to their sons. They know that their DIL has her own mother to do that. So frequently it is about not wanting to interfere. This comes across as not caring. It means that they don't expect a strong bond to build and the more narcissistic MIL may prefer to bow out of the relationship completely rather than stand by as secod fiddle. I would suggest you focus on the RL with your own mother.