DH shouting when stressed

[WoodenMushroom]

I'm not sure what to do for the best. When DH gets stressed he shouts and I hate it. I'm no paragon of virtue myself and have been snappy recently (newborn, toddler, family visiting, concerns over toddler's development, poor sleep are some of our current stressors) but whereas I tend to get a bit weepy he shouts.

It's hard to explain but when he does shout, even though it's over very quickly, I find it really upsetting. He sounds really angry. This afternoon he was trying to put our very poor sleeper toddler down for a nap. I heard a shout after he'd been trying for more than 30 mins so I went up to try and calm the situation. Then DS bit him on the face so he shouted again. I intervened and ask him not to shout but he got more angry and said I didn't understand and that DS had just bitten him. When I replied that he still shouldn't shout like that he told me to shut up.

I took both DSs out the room, calmed DS1 down (he was very upset) and left DH alone. I feel sick I don't know what to do. If I raise it later he will say I shout too, or that I cry and this is just his way of reacting when stressed. His family are staying so we can't really talk anyway.

It sounds like you are both going through a stressful time and it will be much better if you can work together, rather than against each other, to get through it.

I don't think you taking the DSs away from him and dealing with them by yourself is the solution. He needs to be involved in order to find out himself that shouting usually makes the situation worse.

Instead of saying to him 'I'm right and you are wrong - my parenting methods are better than yours' (I'm sure you're not using those exact words, but that's how it's coming across to him), you could say 'we seem to be struggling with a couple of aspects of DS1's behaviour (biting, sleep issues). Let's think about how we are going to deal with them so we can give him a consistent message'. Then you could suggest both reading a parenting book and using it as a basis for a discussion (ie which bits you agree with and how you could put them into practice), or even attending a parenting course together.

I felt like I had to step in as he was scaring DS. Usually I don't get involved at all when he's putting him down to sleep.

not acceptable behaviour is it? shouting like this is designed to either upset the person they're shouting at or get them to do it your way etc. there are plenty of other ways for him to let off steam, like asking you to cover duties and him walking outside for a minute.
horrible.
tell him it showing an awful lack of respect to you. monitor then, keep a diary potentially, then if no improvement, then suggest he seek private counselling.

also, this is a massively stressful time. see how it goes and keep pulling him up on his behaviour if the tone and language is angry.

I think I would shout if my DS bit me on the face. I'm not sure I could deal with it calmly and say "Now then, biting is wrong". I would raise my voice, possibly as a reflex as in "Ow!" or "Why did you do that!"

I'm not saying you're wrong or anything OP, but I wouldn't demonise him for dealing with stress in a different way to you.

Shouting and then telling you to shut up?

You and dc don't deserve that.
It's not the same as crying either. That's just a lame attempt to deflect from the point.

I think he should have brought DS out of the room after the first time he shouted. Not persevered when it was obvious DS would not sleep. It didn't have to escalate. And it wasn't a raised 'ow'. It was angrier than that. Being told aggressively to shut up was horrible, especially in front of a toddler and newborn. Yes, it's a stressful time but I still don't think he needed to be so angry.

Does he shout at everyone when he's stressed, or just you and the dcs?