How was it for you if you left H?

[catkin14]

Following my other few posts about working up courage to leave my mentally controlling H after 26 of marriage (yikes!) and now having been gone for a week I am just wondering how others felt after the event and what H was like also?

I left our home and my DS of 14 is with me but has full access to his father and brothers when he wants.

My H is totally devastated he says and despite rarely talking to his older 2 DS (in their 20's) is now attempting to be good mates with them. until 2 weeks ago he didnt even know where middle DS lived...
But to their credit they are seeing him and talking so thats a positive from it all...if it lasts...! Because i have been here before, seen it and got the tshirt!
But he says he will change and if they can put the past behind them why cant I? Because I dont want to.
Youngest DS says why cant we talk and all get back together again and i have talked to him about relationships between parents being different to that of child parent, and being truthfull about how you feel about someone and am trying to be as open with him as possible.

Anyone who has been here, how you coped and felt would be great to know?

I'm totally with you about explaining to DS how relationships between parents are different. It took a while, but my boys do seem to understand they are perfectly entitled to love both of their parents separately but that their parents loving each other just isn't going to happen.

The counsellor I saw from the GP asked what I would want to do if XH agreed to go for therapy, overcame all his issues and became the person he could/should have been. I thought about this carefully for almost a second before replying that I would be pleased about that as it would be good for him, good for the DCs and good for any future partner, but that as far as I was concerned it was too late for "us". Once the trust and respect have been trampled into the ruddy dust for decades until the last twitch of life is well and truly stamped out of them gone they just aren't going to come back.

I don't have to go back to him even if he turned into Husband of the Century, brokered world peace and invented the cure for the common cold. He would still be a deeply silly man and I would never be able to truly forgive some things. I made myself ill trying when we were still together. It would be damn' stupid to put myself in that situation again now I am older, less resilient and know what I know.

I don't have to go back, and neither do you.

Anniegetyourgun - you have said exactly how it is for me too.

For me too the respect has gone, long gone, and it wouldnt matter what he did not try to change himself, i couldnt love or respect him. And thats not fair to anyone.
In everything he says I see so much undercurrent of trying to work things to his best advantage that i am having trouble believeing all his tears but I also feel bad seeing him like this : /

My counsellor said the same thing and my reply was very similar to yours.
Thanks for replying and support

Give it time. It used to be your job in life, as you saw it at least, to support your family, including him, and make things better for them. It'll take longer than a week to train yourself out of nurturing mode, and meanwhile it's in your ex's interests to look like he can't cope without you (glad you are noticing the ongoing manipulation). I'm a harder bitch than you, I saw XH looking all depressed and unkempt and was just glad it wasn't my concern any more. These days he seems to be managing just fine.

After 20yrs together I asked my husband to leave, he ran up debt and kept things from me and told me 6 weeks ago he felt like we were just friends.
He moved out 3 days ago back to his mums and our teen is coping well. I know it's the right thing but I still feel sad that its fallen apart.
My husband did not want to go and thought I should just 'let it go, again', he cried and texts me saying its wrong to split up but I'm not convinced he can be different and I want more! (We agreed he would take the joint account money, he's already emptied it!)
I agree with other posts that when the trust and respect goes there isn't much left I'm afraid.

Keep strong and remind yourself you deserve more.