Afcourse we managed to get into an argument on the first day of her visit.
You NEVER guess what kind of an argument.
Like I said in an earlier post.
I've been sexually abused.
Like many woman with this kind of past. I also have been working in the adult industry. I'm not proud on that!!!!
But if you learned as a child that sex is what you're good at. Having no support with finishing your school. Then leaving school with no papers and find out that it's hard to find an ok job.
Then when I turned 18 the step into doing that what I was taught that I was good at... That was an easy step to take.
I'm very proud on my family and that with the past I've had I managed to get a normal life. Three healthy children and one on it's way.
A nice house, good marriage and although we're not rich we've got enough money to pay our bills and do what we want to do.
What did I just hear!!!!
My 'mother' just told me that my brother has been telling my family that I've been working in the adult industry?!?!?!?
First of all how the hell does he get's it into his freaky mind to say that to everyone?!?!?
Second: My mum just told me this. Instead of telling me immediately when she found out that he's been telling this to everyone.
I was just exploding!!!!
Why didn't you told me this when you found out?
Her answer: Because you never asked...
I didn't ask for it this time either. It's not something I was expected that my brother would do to me. I asked questions about her abusive boyfriend and she was not giving me any answers. Then she broke and out of the blue she started to tell this.
My family lives in Holland. I don't know about the English rules, but in Holland you can go to the police for to report abuse that has happened in your past until you're 30 years of age.
I'm only 27 now and I'll be 28 this year.
I still can report everyone.
Well almost everyone, because my father died when I was 9.
My brother who is 7 years older then me also sexually abused me. We had sex and mostly it wasn't against my will. But sometimes it was.
It was something that I thought was normal when I was a child.
Then I got older and he got girlfriends. We had sex every week. We're so much together. We had more a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship then a brother/sister one.
But when he had someone else I just didn't matter to him anymore. He didn't spend any time with me and we didn't had any sex. That has hurt me so much. Every single time and when they broke up I was good enough for him again.
In my family I was never good enough. I was never treated with respect. For example birthdays:
If my brother had his birthday or another celebration everyone came. With me... some people came, but that was it. I remember a number of times that my entire family just forgot about my birthday. That hurts, but as a child you think it's all normal. Although it hurts like hell.
I thought I was stupid and not important enough. So people were not interested in me unless I had sex with them.
Also my nephew has touched me in my teenage years. It was all normal for me. Unpleasant, but normal.
I also had a lot of boyfriends in my teenage years.
I never was allowed to say anything to anyone. Because if I did terrible things would happen to me.
My mum know all about this. She told me never to say anything or they'd take me out of the house and that would be worse for me.
Now she just told me she always tried to protect me. She also questioned the seriousness about the abuse that I've suffered.
I was like: WHAT!!! After all these years she still pretends to protect me or be there for me, but she sooo isn't. Because even if I only once had sex with my father or my brother. That one time would be bad enough.
My dad should have kept his paws off me. They shouldn't have put me in the same bed as my brother.
Why? I don't know. But first I slept in my parents bedroom then I had to go and sleep with my brother in the same bed.
She pretended this time not to know anything about what has happened.
Then she said this:
What happened with you and your brother? You say you've been sexually abused, but you never say what has happened.
Me:
We've had sex. I was 9 when my periods started. I was 12 when he found his wife and the abuse stopped.
I could have been pregnant with my very own brother. My periods were very irregular. Sometimes they stayed away for a long time and then I had a very painful period.
It could have been that I had a miscarriage at that moment.
It's possible that in those last 3 years that I had sex with my own brother that I have been pregnant with him.
Mother:
That's why I went to the doctor.
Me:
So you know about it?!?
Then she changed to a different subject.
She sure know about it. Why else wasn't I allowed to say anything to anyone about it. In my youth a number of times did my school call the social services, because they always thought something was wrong at my place, but they never were able to prove it.
Another thing my mum said:
Wasn't it better for you to stay at home? Didn't we do the right thing by keeping you out of hands of the social workers?
My replay:
I don't know what would have been the best thing to do as I don't know how life would have been like if they took me out of the house.
But if I could turn back time, The moment I'm able to I'd walk to the police station (that was 2 streets away from us) and tell them all that went on in the house and made sure they got me out of there.
I tried to call my brother to ask him if he's been telling everyone about my past.
But no answer. I'll try again. It might have been that it's my mum who tells it to everyone. Wouldn't be the first time that she's lying.
I never went with this to the police or told others what has happened to me. I just wanted to leave it behind me and go on with my life.
Why would anyone talk like that about my past to others?
I left my home when I was 18 years of age.
The abuse always has followed me. For some reason they still think it's ok and allowed to treat me like this. To talk like this behind my back.
It makes me so furious. I'm sure they'd tell about my work.
But not about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.
Instead of being proud and happy for me for the life that I've now.
They still somehow feel the need to hurt me in any way they can.
How does my mum thinks I should respond?
By just forgetting about it. Just leave it and ignore my brother.
I absolutely will NOT forget about this. I'm happy that she told me, although she should have said it to me immediately and tell my brother that what he does is so wrong and evil. And that he got to watch out because he has got some ghosts in his past as well.
I'm a victim. He was also a victim as he was a child. But being 7 years older he should have known what he did was wrong.
He has got 2 daughters. I've reported him to the social service in Holland, but they we're not going to investigate the safety of the girls. Because this has happened in the past and he was also a child at that time.
I'll call them again and make sure they do have a look at their safety.
A normal person would feel terrible and sorry about such a past.
Then you're not going to tell others what happened a long time ago. Then you'll tell them how happy you're for your sister that things are going so well for her.
Thanks for reading this story.
ppfff, 4 more days to go with my mother in my house. Unless I send her home earlier.
Sylvia
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syl1985 · 23/03/2013 19:18
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