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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this!? Dh not the dh I thought he was:(

57 replies

Justwanttogiveup · 23/03/2013 08:29

Feel so stupid and I have nc as I can't even admit to total strangers I am such an idiot.

We have 2 small children. I am a sahm and dh works very long hours. Recently he had to go on a business trip for a week. He got back very late, left for work the next day and promised he would come with me for a pre arranged day at a friends with the dc. He got home at 6.30am. I was already up with the dc. He went to bed drunk. He said he met up with friends and they were all drinking, he said he had a problem with saying no to drink blah blah and would never do it again.

Dd was very sick 2 nights ago and I called him at work to hurry home as she couldn't breathe and I needed him there. He promised he would be home in 30 mins. I was crying and panicked on the phone.

I got dd breathing again, and fell asleep on the sofa with her. I woke up at 1.30am and he wasn't home. Then ds woke up and wet the bed. I called him and he said he was meeting business suppliers and it just went on. He came home and I yelled at him and said enough was enough. He managed to convince me it was business.

Was looking on fb, and he works with a nightclub on a consultancy basis, but doesn't have to be there at night at all. They post photos on fb of the night. The is a pic of him with 2 women. They are all drinking wine.

I hate the fucker and can't wait for him to get back from a meeting to ask more questions about these " suppliers"

Or am I overreacting? I stopped sleeping with him after the all nighter a week ago.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 23/03/2013 08:32

You are not stupid. It does sound as though your DH is being pretty stupid - as well as totally inconsiderate though.

Can anyone have the children so that you can have the time to talk through how you feel with him?

Coffee1Sugar · 23/03/2013 08:32

Just wondering why you didn't call an ambulance if dd wasn't breathing? Hmm

Original poster
Justwanttogiveup · 23/03/2013 08:34

She has asthma . We can deal with it at home, it's just easier with my dh there for support.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 23/03/2013 08:35

Why didn't you call an ambulance?

Nagoo · 23/03/2013 08:41

I'm assuming you know better than us what your dd needed.

Your DH is being a cock.

You and your dc's are lower down the list than having a nice time with 'ladies'.

So what do you want to do about it?

Original poster
Justwanttogiveup · 23/03/2013 08:44

What I'd like to do is just go. He says all the right things, flowers, gifts etc, but then behaves differently.

If her breathing got worse then yes, I would have had to go to hospital but I wanted dh home as I told him, in case that happened ( never before, but she was very bad) and he could look after ds who was sleeping. It was 10.30pm

OP posts:
ScottyDoc · 23/03/2013 08:49

Coffee1sugar How nice and supportive of you to put a little Hmm face there. Unnecessary. Have you anything constructive to say I wonder?

OP my siblings have asthma so I understand it well. I hope your dd is better now Thanks with regards to your dh he has been selfish and thoughtless and his priorities are worrying. You need to make it clear that although he works away, his responsibilities as a dad and a husband don't just end suddenly or get put on hold. I would be extremely off with him and show him exactly how disgusted you are at the Facebook pictures. Tell him he looks like a fool and that if he's not interested in supporting you then he is welcome to sling his hook. Don't let him placate you, be firm and be calmly cold when speaking to him. He has a lot of grovelling to do but if this is normal behaviour and happens a lot, you should consider the relationship as a whole and whether its worth it.

Coffee1Sugar · 23/03/2013 08:59

I'm asthmatic! So yes I know when I get as bad as the op was suggesting my chest consultant always advises ambulance

ScottyDoc · 23/03/2013 09:02

No need for the emoticon though was there really?

And the OP knows her dd, whereas you don't. My siblings were told to rest at home on the nebuliser when they struggled to breathe so I can personally understand not immediately calling an ambulance.

Back to the point of the thread....

GinGuzzler · 23/03/2013 09:03

Can I just point out that the op would still of needed her OH if she had to go the hospital so him not coming home and not giving a jot about his DC makes him a bit of a cock end.

OP you have every right to be annoyed with your OH, as someone has already said is there anyone who can watch DC so you can have a proper chat with him to find out what's going on.

Goodluck

Original poster
Justwanttogiveup · 23/03/2013 09:12

Scotty, I'm going to ask him about the evening and why he didn't rush home. Then I'm going to show him the fb pics. Tbh, it's becoming a regular thing. He works away a lot and long hours, so I don't want to be stressing about him off out with ladies when he could be at home with me.

He maintains he loves us all and would never cheat. He says I am mad for suggesting it. He says it's all for the family, all this work and hours. I don't mind supporting him and being alone so much but not if he is cavorting on clubs for the world to see.

Thanks for the comments about my dd and how i handle her asthma. I'd rather concentrate this thread on perspective with my dh. It's not about my dd and her condition - I mentioned it as I wanted to be clear I wanted him home and i wasnt IMO being unreasonable.

OP posts:
ScottyDoc · 23/03/2013 09:23

Sounds like a plan. Ask him about everything and for a real explanation as to why he didnt come home at such a crucial time. Things need to be sorted out for sure, and the fact that he obviously loves you all in no way excuses any of his recent behaviour. Take it easy and see what he has to say. You know instinctively whether he will really make some changes and make it up to you all. He has acted like a total wanker, but it can be sorted out.

Original poster
Justwanttogiveup · 23/03/2013 09:25

No, I don't have support like that- the best I can do is ask him to come with us to the park, then at least we can talk whilst the dc run about.

OP posts:
FarBetterNow · 23/03/2013 09:42

It seems that he prefers his life at work in a nightclub which is fun, than his life at home with his family where he has respnsibilities.

Lueji · 23/03/2013 10:02

No loving man would leave his wife alone with one child having an asthma attack and another in the house.

I'd certainly see him in a new light, yes.

I don't think there is any explanation that could satisfy me and he'd be given a warning to take his responsibilities as father and husband seriously or move out.

SanityClause · 23/03/2013 10:09

I have seen my father nearly die of an asthma attack, but when he had his pump on and working, he was okay, and didn't need to go to hospital. In fact, when I was growing up, if he had gone to hospital every time he had a severe attack, he would've been there pretty much constantly.

Just posting this, as it is perfectly possible for a parent with the right equipment to cope with a potentially fatal asthma attack.

It's bloody scary, though, so the OP should reasonably have expected the support of her H.

Original poster
Justwanttogiveup · 24/03/2013 00:03

He was very very angry and shouted at me for thinking he was up to no good. Apparently these ladies are suppliers. He still has not come up with an explanation why he didn't come home as he knew dd was ill. He just says he was busy and I am a mad, ungrateful woman for thinking these things when he is working. He said he knew I managed her breathing as I didn't call back to see whee he was so he met the suppliers and had a drink.

We don't get on al all. I cannot bring myself to be civil with him. He says he tris to cuddle me and I push him off. I do push him off. I can't bear him.

I don't know what will happen or how long this will last, the silence and the misery. He carries on as though nothing is wrong and he has done nothing, it's just me left looking dificult as I just don't believe him and I hate how he expects me to get over it yet again.

OP posts:
Hatpin · 24/03/2013 00:31

He's a sh*t father.

Take control and boot him out, honestly.

Suppliers of what, anyway?

I work with suppliers every day. I have never socialized with any of them. It would be against company policy in a lot of places.

CleopatrasAsp · 24/03/2013 01:53

He's angry because he got caught out - you have done nothing wrong and don't let him tell you otherwise. To put it in perspective, I don't have any children, I have cats. If I rang my DH in a state because one of the cats couldn't breathe he would rush home from wherever he was to support me. That's what a loving husband does. If we had children then wild horses wouldn't stop him from getting home.

You and your children deserve better, he is using work as an excuse. Call his bluff and say to him that you don't want all the material things this 'work' provides, you'd rather have less 'stuff' and more time with him. Then sit back and watch him try to squirm his way out of that one.

mammadiggingdeep · 24/03/2013 02:55

He's using work as an excuse to have a good time shill you're left to deal with parenting your children alone. Even if he HAD to be out drinking wine and meeting women as part of his job, he definately should have rushed home when needed. Also, how DARE he make you feel ungrateful and in the wrong for expecting that. He's being defensive because he's in the wrong.

If you asked him to leave do you think that would shock him into taking family life more seriously?

Anniegetyourgun · 24/03/2013 11:43

He says he'd never cheat and it's all for the good of the family.

Well he would, wouldn't he?

EggyFucker · 24/03/2013 11:58

What a selfish man

You are being taken advantage, but
I think you know that

I don't believe his excuses about "working" he is taking the Piss and you are letting him

If he wants the life of a single man let him...he is clearly going to push and push until you can take no more and he can say you ended the relationship and his warped conscience will be clear

He brings nothing to family life except stress and worry, and money....so take the money for the children and jettison the rest of the crap

DaffodilAdams · 24/03/2013 12:08

You sound pretty clued up OP. You know he is not providing anything like the kind of support he should be to you and your DCs. Workaholics are invariably selfish people, although I suspect he is a playaholic too Hmm.

However, he takes selfishness to an abusive level with his treatment of you and DD and her asthma attack. He is not providing care for your children. He is neglecting them. He is a shit father and a shit husband. What is he bringing to your life and what do you want to do about it?

ImperialBlether · 24/03/2013 17:07

I just don't believe anyone is doing business with suppliers at gone 1.30 am. I just don't. Having said that, IF anyone was talking business in the middle of the night and their partner rang and said their daughter couldn't breathe, there isn't a "supplier" in the world who wouldn't tell him to get himself home immediately.

Can you really imagine them saying, "Oh well, we won't be putting business your way if you have to go home now"?

OP, you don't like him, and I don't blame you. He doesn't give a shit for you or the children - that much is absolutely plain. In your position I would tell him you are setting him free and he should find somewhere else to live.

pinkpaws · 24/03/2013 18:16

Hi i think if i am being honest that you need to breath and chill a bit. He might just feel stressed out and under pressure at the moment. You said yourself he has been away all week working .I understand your concern for your child of course but maybe he feels you are very needy and if he is at work you should let him work. Just a thought i like your post coffee1sugar by the way.