My mother is coming tomorrow from Holland over here to visit us. She's going to stay here from tomorrow till Wednesday morning.
I'm so nerves, because I don't have a good relationship with her.
Something is wrong with her. She has been so unstable for as long as I can remember her.
I've grown up with a mother who barely did any cleaning. She always had strange friends. She has been a follower of I don't know how many religions.
My father died when I was 9.
I never cried about him, because he sexually abused me.
She know about it, but never did anything to stop it.
You understand I didn't had a good childhood.
Now she's living with a man who I think is on drugs.
She has changed so much since she was with him.
This man also has got a problem with violence.
I haven't seen her in the last 2 years. Sometimes an e-mail and a rare phone call and that's it. I didn't mind that.
Then some weeks ago she really wanted to see us again.
I've been thinking so hard about it and decided she was welcome, but I'll be very firm and clear with her.
She's welcome, but she needs to behave and dress appropriate. Last time I've seen her she was dressed like a street worker. I didn't even noticed her. I really thought that she was a prostitute. I only recognized her when she was standing in front of me.
The saying goes: Even my own mother wouldn't recognized me. This time it was the other way around.
I was so shocked!
I also don't allow her to be to close with the children. This is something she always gets upset about.
Why I decided to let her come?
At the end of the day she's still my mother. There have been a lot of bad things, but not all was bad at. I think that everyone who hasn't had a good mother somehow craves for having one.
I thought it'd be ok to give her a change. It's been so long since we've seen each other. First she wanted to come with her partner, but I said no to that. This man gets very violent when you say something that he takes the wrong way. Just in a normal conversation he can just explode.
That once happened with me. I don't know what, but apparently I've said something wrong and he started swearing at me.
But before him she already had lot's of boyfriends. It was like instead of she being my mother that she was my teenager.
She's always ill. I've never known my mother to be truly happy. She has been always depressed. Always there was something wrong in her life. Conflicts with friends, boyfriends and just people that she meets.
I've told her so many times to get help. I'd help her to find a good counselor or anything that she might need to finally have a bit of normal life.
She never wants it. She says that she should deal with her own problems. My response. Mum, you've had these problems for as long as I can remember. There's help out there for you. Let's go and find it.
But nope, she never wanted any help.
When I was younger she always wanted to talk to me about her problems. There has even been moments that I had her on the phone and I thought she was going to hurt herself.
That gave so much stress.
I was becoming a mother myself when I made the decision to stop doing that. How hard was that!
I was so worried but I said to her: Mum, I've my own life now. You'll need to find help or another good friend who wants to listen to you.
She was hurt by this, but it just was to much for me to take care of her. If she wants to change I'd be right next to her.
Helping her anyway that I can.
But she doesn't want help, neither does she wants to change her lifestyle and take more care of herself.
She just wants to talk about her problems, all the time.
She even tried to get me away from my husband. She said that I wasn't good enough for him. Normally it's the other way around. But not with my mother.
I wasn't good enough for him and he was going to leave me.
Not only did she say that to me, but also to others.
At this moment I wish I had said: No, mum please stay away. Way to much has happened in the past. You don't want to change nor say sorry for the things that you've done. It's your choice to be with this man. It's your choice not to look for any help to sort out your life. At this moment I don't want you near me or my children.
Instead of saying: Yes, you're welcome as long as you behave.
I'm so worried of what she looks like now. She looked so messy and dirty last time I've seen her.
In a way I love her because she's my mother, but at the other end....
Seeing her is so hard. Ever since she has been with this man I can't recognize her anymore. She has changed so much in a bad way. She never has been very in control of her own life. But now.... things got really bad.
Thank you for reading my story.
Wish me luck!
Sylvia