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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a non starter (sorry, mega long post)

58 replies

AngelNanny · 23/03/2013 00:25

Iv been single since I caught my DS's dad with another woman. Iv had the odd fling but nothing that serious. My DS is now 19months.

Very recently I got with a new guy. We dated when I was 13. He has a DS aged 7yrs. He says that he's never stopped thinking of me and that it's like when people reunite with their high school sweethearts. He says I'm the one.

My problem is that he brings up my past a lot. He seems to think that every male iv ever come in contact with that I have some sexual history with, which is not true.

He throws it in my face and makes sly comments which are not nasty but that I find offensive. Iv told him how I feel about it.

Otherwise he is excellent with my DS and I have bonded really well with his DS. He would do anything for me, helps out loads and is very loving and affectionate.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true? Does he have a really low opinion of me or is he just insecure?

Perhaps I'm worrying about nothing. Perhaps I'm paranoid. Perhaps I'm so used to things being or turning shit that that is what I expect. Argh I don't know. I need outside, informed opinions please

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelNanny · 23/03/2013 02:26

I'm intrigued to let him take up said challenge and see the response

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/03/2013 02:29

Correction: please substitute Snazzy for 'Machli' in my above response.

Apologies, Machli... your name was on my mind as I intended to cite your response at 00:41:34 as being spot on in my earlier post.

izzyizin · 23/03/2013 02:32

Let us know the start time and date, honey, and I'll begin the countdown... depending on how frequently you plan to see him during that time, I'll also start a book with odds on 1/2/3/4/812/24/36/48 hours etc Grin

Original poster
AngelNanny · 23/03/2013 02:39

It will be starting tomorrow, il let you ladies commence the 'book' as odds were never my strong point Wink

Will keep you updated.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 23/03/2013 07:55

I suppose what I'm asking is, is it too good to be true?

What, the guy accuses you of shagging all and sundry and you think the relationship is too good to be true? Confused

Are you mad? There is NO way this is even slightly a good relationship.

LeucanTheMopsis · 23/03/2013 15:57

"Don't make the mistake of thinking that, given time, he'll come to trust you, know you'll never hurt him, that you'll never be untrue, you'd never look at another man, he's your soulmate, you are 'meant' to be, 'love' will prevail, and other equally misguided sentiments.

If you stay with this man it won't be long before he becomes violent towards you - most probably just a slap or two first and he'll be so sorry, he'll cry real crocodile tears, he'll say he didn't know what came over him, it's because he loves you so much he can't bear the thought of losing you, and he'll promise it will never happen again... but of course it will and, before you know it, your life will become a living hell"

Angel, I apologise for reposting Izzy's comment again, but It's Not Just A Theory. It happens, it's exhausting, and it gets worse not better. These aren't idle musings of his, and all it will take is for you to show it's not true... these are his deep held beliefs, and your loyal behaviour and denials will not make a gnat's blink of a difference to them.

Hope it's going ok.

Original poster
AngelNanny · 23/03/2013 18:27

Things seem to have improved and miscommunication and misinterpretations unravelled. We had a brief talk earlier but will talk more when the kids are in bed and then I can best judge what he is saying and if there are red flags or if tempers were just high last night.

I don't feel smothered by him or like he's trying to wrap me in cotton wool or trying to keep me away from people. It just seems that maybe his past is haunting him a bit and he is just putting some worries on to me.

He said he wants to work on it because its just a scared part of him worrying that his heart will be broken again.

OP posts:
badinage · 23/03/2013 18:43

How has he 'seen this thread'? Did he go snooping for it or did you show him it?

Your past is none of his business. And you should stop making excuses for him about his past and blaming other women for him being a sexually jealous control freak.

LeucanTheMopsis · 23/03/2013 18:50

I just tried, but I can't stop myself posting this...

Heard It All Before.

No-one ever comes out and says, sorry, it's because I just wanted to poke and poke and poke - it's always because they're so hurt and distressed and worried they just can't help being unpleasant to you to solve their own problems.

Perhaps not. Perhaps this is different. But bear in mind that this is not a novel, or even convincing, explanation. Painting himself as scared and worried and potentially heart-broken doesn't square with a man who:

"throws it in my face"
"makes sly comments"
"it plays on his mind."
"doesn't want me being connected with these people."
"asks if anything ever happened between some one that calls or texts etc."

That's nasty and aggressive attitude, no matter how convincing the casual laugh that goes with it. Please don't accept any "poor me" conversation tonight unless it is also accompanied with a seriously large amount of "poor you" for him having behaved like this - not just a sighing agreement to try and reign it in for a few weeks.

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 18:52

My husband has no interest in the sex life I had before him, and vice versa

Any insecurities he may have, he deals with himself

and vice versa

This is how it should be

I think your boyfriend will not stop scapegoating you, unless he has shedloads of therapy to deal with his inadequacies

Would he agree to that ?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 23/03/2013 18:55

Im with eggy on this, my DH no interest in previous relationships, and vice versa.

These are HIS issues and there are some huge red flags flying here.

Original poster
AngelNanny · 23/03/2013 21:35

He has very recently began therapy. It was mainly bereavement therapy but it is covering all areas he has issues with.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 21:38

what ?

he has all the hallmarks of a controlling arsehole because he has been bereaved ?

you are excusing him this shit based on that ?

look, we have all lost people

does it turn us into a jealous twat with issues ?

no

OxfordBags · 23/03/2013 21:53

Was the reason you've not seen him since you were 13 because he fell into a cryogenic chamber and was frozen in time for 12 years? Because him being 13 would be the only excuse for him behaving like this.

And even then, that'd make him a shitty 13 yr old who wasn't fit to be anyone's boyfriend.

SneezingwakestheJesus · 23/03/2013 22:14

Another red flag! Therapy for "all areas he has issues with". His other issues so far sound like jealousy and control (as well as the aforementioned bereavement). Without being too harsh, I really think you are clinging onto that dream of childhood sweethearts and being "the one" right from the age of 13 and it's clouding your judgement so you can't see that this is a damaged man who has considerable issues.

TheSecondComing · 23/03/2013 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackcurrants · 24/03/2013 00:15

Well, I was going to say what thesecondcoming just said, so I Errol just add, when he gets nastier and you realist you don't know which way is up any more, because of gotta manipulation and control and bullying, we will still be here.

But I would save you and your DC the bother and pain, and run for the fucking hills. Red flags everywhere. And you really needed top work on your boundaries, he treats you badly and you think it's okay. It's not okay.

badinage · 24/03/2013 00:52

I ask again, how did he 'see this thread'?

ArtVandelay · 24/03/2013 06:30

Oh dear, he sounds like a self indulgent, controlling arse at best and a manipulative nutter at worst. Nobody should be making you feel like this, especially someone who claims to care about you. Get shot of him before he drives you mad.

notimefors · 24/03/2013 07:19

He sounds like he has too many issues with sex and women to be in a relationship right now. It won't work. It will leave you unhappy. Don't subject your DD to it - would be my advice.

MidnightMasquerader · 24/03/2013 07:22

How did he see this thread?

Branleuse · 24/03/2013 07:29

I think if his ex has cheated then it can cause major insecurities, but these can be overcome with work and talking - as long as he KNOWS when he's being unreasonable and is willing to talk etc.

id say that it sounds like it may be worth persevering but don't move in and give it time and let him know the sly comments are not ok

Branleuse · 24/03/2013 07:35

he does have issues but then don't we all. lots of us get damaged along the way and sometimes have to work through trust issues. a few issues does not an abuser make

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2013 07:40

So many red flags her are fluttering. Men like this one who have inherent low self worth like women like yourself a lot because they can sense both the desparation and inherent low self esteem. This is about power and control on his part; he wants absolute over you to make him feel better. He will kill you emotionally in the end and drive you half mad in the process. Such men detest women.

You're 25; you do not want to arrive at 26 feeling even worse or more uncomfortable than you do now.

AN - what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. TBH you need to unlearn all the crap on relationships that you have been taught to date (and that also includes dumping this bloke asap) and start afresh with a new approach to relationships. I would also suggest counselling for your own self in this regard.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. That is you.

sudaname · 24/03/2013 08:09

izzyizin brilliant post @ 02:53. and when exactly did you meet my exh? Confused

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