Feel like a cow because of how I am with my mother, but so bitter about the past

[ForeverRuminating]

My mom is essentially fantastic, helpful and generous, a lovely nan to my children, supportive and never deliberately unkind. When I read what some posters' mothers are like I feel like I have nothing at all to complain about. She has never hit me or anything like that.

However I find her massively irritating, and it's getting worse. I feel like a cow after I have been annoyed with her, because I know I behave like a moody bitch. But I just can't help it! I resolve to be kinder and more patient but then after a few minutes in her company she does or says something that just makes my blood boil and I feel like a hormonal sulky teenager (ironic, as I never was like that as a teenager - maybe this is part of my problem).

If I describe the reasons that she annoys me I will sound massively unreasonable and petty but here goes. She is very bigoted, which I somehow take personally although it shouldn't affect me so much. I think it's because up until I was about 30 I thought she was perfect, highly intelligent and reasonable, but now I realise more and more that she is actually an irrational unreasonable woman who holds horrible views and believes everything she reads in the Daily Mail. She likes to think she knows me so well, we are alike and I am an extension of her, when I am nothing like her and don't want to be. She says stupid irrational things all the time, gets the wrong end of the stick, and misunderstands me - she is a bad listener and rather than pay attention to what I am saying she changes the subject, often turning it to her, and ends up believing I said something totally different.

But the main issue I have I think stems from her behaviour towards me when I was a young adolescent beginning when I was about 11. Around this time she began to disengage from my dad, who was abusive to her and not awfully nice to me either, and she eventually left him to live with her current partner when I was about 15. As my own children have reached the age I was at the time, I have realised what terrible mistakes she made with me. When I think of leaving my kids to live with a father who they did not get on with, who was verbally abusive and indifferent to them, I cannot imagine ever considering it. The thought of making them feel so rejected, so second-best to her boyfriend, horrifies me. I could never do it. At the time I didn't blame her but blamed myself, thinking there must be something wrong with me that meant I was not good enough to go and live with her. I feel sorry for the young me if that makes sense. I am disgusted that she put her boyfriend before me - and she still does it now. I don't like him, he's never done anything really wrong to me, just sneaky stuff to make me see that he comes first in her eyes. It makes me sick how she puts him on a pedestal.

I should be over this as it happened years ago but I am not because it has never been addressed. To do so now would make me feel cruel and petty and I can't imagine being the one to bring it up. But part of me wants her to, so I can tell her how I feel. My teenage years were very troubled, I slept around and got pregnant at 16, had awful boyfriends, broke the law and abused solvents - none of which she seemed to notice or care about. She wanted to be my friend, or big sister, and never disciplined me or anything - as long as I wasn't in her way I was fine. I would go to the house she shared with her boyfriend and it was very much their house, I didn't feel welcome, and if he came home she would usher me into another room so she could talk to him alone. When she first left my dad for her boyfriend, she went abroad on holiday with him and left me with my grandparents. I had never been abroad. At this point I was not allowed to know where she was or who with, as he was married. In fact it was a boy at my school who told me that my mom had a boyfriend with a posh car who dropped her off round the corner from our house when she still lived with my dad.

I am sorry for rambling, as you can see I am quite bitter all these years later, more so in fact. How can I leave the past behind if I can't confront it? I am afraid of what would happen if I brought it up, that I would lose control and shout, or say things that I couldn't take back and which would damage our relationship forever. I can't afford therapy. I am interested to hear others' experience of being rejected by their mothers for a boyfriend and how they deal with it. I feel like such a horrible ungrateful daughter.

You don't sound unreasonable or petty.

Your childhood was not as ,voting as it could and should have been, this is sadly not uncommon.

I'm sure you know that you can't change anyone other than yourself, have you had counselling to work through your feelings of rejection etc?

As for her present views, you can have some control, you can simply ask her not to discuss things she has read in that paper. My dad used to read the Telegraph and became depressed and judgmental. I gently talked to him about what he was filling his head with and suggested he limit himself to one paper a week (Monday for the sport) and read books and The Week magazine.

He now has a softer view towards asylum seekers, teenagers etc.

You are a kind daughter in that you are taking this all as your fault. It's not, it's life sadly. Chose your own future

It sounds like you have every reason to be bitter - don't berate yourself, you are going through a stage of grieving for your lost 'motherhood' that you needed when you were younger.

TBH it sounds like you are just starting to realise your mother's failings, and it's possible you haven't yet realised the full extent of that and the impact its had on you.

You say she is irrational and misunderstands you, and sees you as an extension of herself. These things are really quite big. Don't be too surprised if you get even angrier and more upset when you accept how far this is from the parenting you should have had and the parenting you deserved.

You're not ungrateful - but I recognise the guilt.

Yes, you should be over it (the leaving her abuse dh part). If you think she is spouting bigoted, racist, Daily Mail type views then say something to her about it. What about "I can't believe you just said that Mum!! You sound like a deranged Daily Mail reader or something".

It's really hard isn't it?
My teen years had some issues and it's made me consider very hard how I'll parent my own teens.

I think sometimes these hurts can be soothed if the grandparents have a good relationship with their grandchildren-I know my own Nana made up for the guilt she felt over failing my dm by lavishing love and care on me-my dm said it helped a lot. My dm and I have rebonded over love for my dc.

As for not affording counselling, I think this place can help, if you're really down then there's counselling helplines. Have you any siblings you can talk it through with? My dbro helps me a lot.

If I were you, I would do two things.

1). Get a journal and write tons more stuff like that opening post.
2). Stop referring to her as a great mum.

X

I wasn't rejected by my mother for a boyfriend but she was generally a narc with conditional love - I think the issues are the same.

For me, the realisation period was very tough. I cried every day for 3 weeks, got very sick and hideous cold sores. Ugh. And then I hit a period of depression for a few months.

Now I keep my distance and live according to my own values (and sometimes these need creating and sometimes I need to be nice to her for my own conscience).

You know what a mother should do, and you missed out. Sorry. It's ok to be angry and 'ungrateful' (which you aren't, and if you think about it you will admit this)

At the moment I'm paying £5 per session for very good therapy. It is a concessionary rate at a charity (I am on a low income because unable to work at present). There's a lot out there if you dig - womens orgs, etc. Ask for concessions - the answer is yes or no and therapists are not offended to be asked.

I'm not surprised you're boiling with anger towards your mum. Give yourself a break, she sounds hideous. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to get over the shit that went on when you were a teen: leaving you was bad enough, but leaving you with an abuser? Not acceptable, no matter how you look at it. She neglected you and she also sounds like a complete pain in the arse tbh.

imo you're going to need professional help to step through all this because it's not going away and will keep jabbing you in the ribs until you blow and say the things you don't want to say. They do need to be said, though - at length. You need someone in your corner to 'hold' you as you work through it, someone who knows what they're doing and can keep you safe.

As I drew the short straw with my family, it's been a lifetime's work, really. I've read a lot and done a lot - groups, therapy etc. You may find the book Toxic Parents (Susan Forward, I think?) helpful.

Everything springyhop says is great advice.
Your DM sounds horrible, despite being a 'good' mother now (though I find that hard to believe).
Your fully justified anger at your treatment by her is bubbling just under the surface and you need help to deal with that.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. All these feelings you are experiencing now need to be addressed. Have you thought about some form of counselling?

Thankyou all for your kind words, it's comforting that you don't think I am being unreasonable for not brushing it all under the carpet, as I think she has and hopes I have too! I would like counselling yes. But I still feel my issues are too trivial when others experience real abuse, I would feel like I was making a fuss. I don't have any siblings and my dad is dead now.

I think this has all come to a head as my children have reached the age I was when my mother left me with my dad who I didn't get on with, and to me my children are very much still children who need protecting and supporting. At the time I thought I was a grown up, responsible for myself and to blame for the things that happened to me, and of course now I realise that I was not. I would love to make her realise that and for her to apologise to me. But I know I couldn't drag up things that happened so long ago and hurt her feelings, so instead I am just a low-level bitch to her and feel like shit for it. Seems I can't win.