Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

[badinage]

Keep that counselling appointment at all costs, but PLEASE re-book the solicitors as well.

[skaboy]

You are not the baddie - you have done nothing wrong apart from try to deal with the situation which you have been handed in the way that is best for yourself and your son.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I will rearrange the solicitor when things are certain. I found I couldn't get the first appointment free for general advice, it was costing£140 plus vat, I guess this is average depending your area, but a hurdle I can't afford to pay, in an ideal world I do need a solicitor but I can't afford to instruct one to act for me and the financial side is slightly complicated too, to add to things xx

[badinage]

I doubt you will rearrange. Unless you were fibbing to us about making the appt., you were prepared to pay that a few weeks ago before you bailed out on it.

Hope the counsellor you've booked is specialist enough. Personally, I think you need someone medically and psychiatrically qualified.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Why do you say that badinage? I am dealing with this fine just taking my time because I am scared , surely that is normal . My finances are not in a position to pay for the solicitor as my car failed its mot, I work part time and yes I am putting off the solicitor because I can't afford to go to them or divorce , .., I feel you think I am the one with issues , and perhaps making all this up too? Xx

[onefewernow]

Oh come on Driftwood. I say this kindly. I really do.

It is really unusual not even to raise the issue of his infidelity. And I think there is a huge esteem crisis if you think you can't because you can't trust yourself not to end up feeling in the wrong.

And isn't your son over 18 and at Uni, or did I get that wrong?

I see that Badinage is quite blunt, more than I would be, but I agree totally with her assessment if your H.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

My youngest is 15, my other son just back to uni. Sorry I see what you mean, I guess I am totally insecure, more than I realised. I see what has happened is making me feel harsh on myself too
The counsellor is a psychotherapist too. I a trying my best to do this ins dignified manor , probably not my best idea, trying not to let it affect my job or kids, putting everyone first but me

[badinage]

If you'd read the thread baba I would hope you'd agree that this poster needs some professional help, given her traumatic life experiences so far and the way they have contributed to this dreadful situation of long-term denial she has found herself in - and the impact this has had on children who have already had sadness and loss in their lives. It is not shameful to seek some medical help, nor is it it 'bullying' to suggest it. Neither do I have any particular standards to uphold just because I am 'female' as you call it.

I'm all for giving vulnerable posters support when they need it, but that comes in lots of different forms. When there are kids involved who've been unwittingly dragged into a parent's infidelities and have had to live in an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion for years then IMO, mollycoddling a person and enabling her continuance of that life is irresponsible - and I won't do that.

[OliviaMumsnet]

Evening all
Peace and love, eh?

[dontyouwantmebaby]

driftwood, you are definitely not the baddie in all this! and no, it doesn't seem stupid to me that you still feel in love with your husband. the reason why I say this is because whenever we have been with someone for such a long time, sometimes we subconsciously (I think) don't let ourselves see the 'real' them or we choose not to open our eyes about them even when the evidence is there staring at us. It may seem stupid to some people, but if you've been there you can understand it. But I promise you, it doesn't last forever! You will see him for what he is and when you do (sooner the better), your DCs will cope more than you realise.

Your husband is the one in the wrong, he really is. Please don't say you're a hopeless case, you're not. I've thought that in the past about myself and lived to get through it, you will too once you take action (sooner the better).

[DIYapprentice]

Driftwood - glad you're dealing with this a little now.

I really hope you do keep your counselling appointment, they will give you the strength to cope with dealing with this properly, instead of just putting it away and not dealing with it.

Please also get at least 'some' legal help. If nothing else for now, look up what your rights would be. There's a lot of good advice on these threads as to what you are entitled to after a break up. Especially as you already know that your H will make things as difficult as possible for you when you do bring this up.

The legal board might be worth posting on for the complicated financial matters.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

DIYapprentice, I have checked out the legal board and Wickivorce too and collating as much advice as I can. The counsellor is at 10 Monday and I won't be missing that as it is my first chance to actually speak to another human about what is happening and ask for some suggestions.
Dontyouwantmebaby, thank you , what you say is true and what everyone has told me so far has made sense.
Bandinage, I am sorry if things got out of hand and i know your intentions are well meaning, one thing I am not is soft so what ever you say I don't find offensive and you are entitled to your own judgement as we all are and I have taken what you said on board.
I do need a push which is why I resorted to discussing my problems with mums net. I have been reading other people's journeys in similar situations and how they dealt with it and others views .
The support given in mumsnet is valuable to someone who lives in the country and miles away from anyone , and truly thank you for listening to me going around in circles to reach my goal, xx

[badinage]

How about printing out your threads and taking them to the counsellor? Just as back-up though, because I think it would be very powerful to say the words and see a RL person's reaction to the behaviour you've been experiencing. That's the trouble with a forum. You can't see people gasping, grimacing, swearing or even shedding a tear at what some people go through in the name of 'love'.

I'm not easily offended either but I didn't see that posters second deleted comment anyway, so no worries.

[onefewernow]

Well one step at a time OP.

The only option which really isn't an option is pretending it hasn't happened. He is on that site, and it won't go away.

However nice he is in the normal course of a week or year, you know that this man has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. The one he presents to you and the other one.

I know I found it hard enough to face what my h was doing and believe my own head rather than his mouth, and he was actually quite selfish and inconsiderate the rest of the time, so it should have been more obvious. But, on that subject, think really hard... how nice us your h really, in ordinary life? Because nine was when everything was going his way, and it was only when I raised this or finally when my suppressed unhappiness forced him into a house move that he became a real shit. Maybe you might notice that your h is nice because you are doing all the compromising, and maybe without even raising issues.

You are right, you do need to say this to someone. And face that it has been going in in various situations and contexts for years.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I was going to print off the profile and the page with my ah,s photo along with the other blokes waiting to be picked, but like I said his photo is still on the site but no activity since last July so far.
It's true though if this was someone else's life I would be angry for them, so hopping chatting on Monday will open things up for me, either way I know I am ready to burst, been holding it in so long but feel when I do burst nothing but silence will come out of my mouth!lol
Have set myself a goal to confront him, not sure how , face to face, the cowards way, leave him a letter and go somewhere to stay for the night for him to pack his bags. This is where I am the biggest coward of all,
Really chomping at the bit, .
I came home from work this morning and he greeted me with a hug and how much he loved and missed me, I hugged him back but he doesn't smell like my husband any more, he feels like a sickening sleezy bloke.
Hope everyone has the sunshine we have today, my pony loves rolling around , getting rid of her winter coat, she is lucky, no men in her life just me! Xx

[badinage]

There's another thread at the mo where posters who use these affairs sites have explained what happens. Apparently they are just for making contact and all the 'activity' occurs off site once private numbers/e mail addresses are exchanged. Just cos there's been no 'activity' on the site since July, doesn't mean he's been inactive.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I know that, that is how I found he had been on the site in the first place. I typed in an old hotmail account and didn't put the last 4 numbers and up came his emails from the site, dating last may-July . I clicked in to the link which took me straight to his profile and details, everything had been wiped off his account apart from a selection of females he had chosen as liked but nothing more!
This brings me back to my first post, will he try to wriggle out if this as to him it was years agi( 10 months) since he went in and no proof he met anyone either,,, though a photo of himself , his real name and types of sex he liked!,

[badinage]

And it brings it back to what was probably mine.

It doesn't matter what he does or says. If you want to end this relationship you do not need a reason to do it

Stop bothering about whether he can 'wriggle out' of anything.

No-one can 'wriggle out' of being dumped.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

This is where my head goes all over the place!
H has gone away on a course with work, the minute he leaves I get texts saying how much he loves and misses me already, there is a letter on my bed too.... I will receive texts all night saying how much he loves me,,, when we are together or apart it's as though we have everything going for us ,,,,,,,,,,,...this is why my head can't process all this and the reason I can't let go, it's hard to explain but this is why my head goes round, how can a man who is so blatantly in love with me, do the things he does, that's why I am so confused xx

[AnyFucker]

Some people are able to compartmentalise

They see wives/husbands as the creme de la creme, they see some other people they use just for sex as somehow inferior

In men, they would be described as having a madonna/whore complex, have a look at a good representation of that here

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Not sure that is his type, his sex drive is over the top. Nd never leaves me alone, though I think his drive is over the top. At times when things have been wrong it has also been times when there have been no barriers a nd sex as frequent as many times a day... It's as though he can't get enough . When I do say I am not in the mood he does get all tetchy and I am some frigid women even though until that evening sex hadn't been short.
Obviously I have gone through all sorts of reasons why, but I think he likes the thrill and seeks more fulfilment else where!

[AnyFucker]

Fair enough.

Bottom line though

the man is a cock

what more do you need to know ?

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Holding this all in is sending me a bit doo lally to say the least.
It was our sons parents evening on Tuesday and I went with his dad. I have never felt so nervous in my life!
I found myself wondering who my husband new, or if he had met any women on dating sites or anything else! And one of the mums who he approached on a dating site 4 years ago was there, she and I were chatting and my husband appeared next to us! I can't believe the Gaul of this bloke, he seemed to be strutting tall and I was ashamed, I felt sick.
I went home in silence, I feel , old, ugly, useless, stupid I know to let this event effect me like this , now I am edgy, snapping and walking straight into his hands as the miserable wife!

Sorry, had no where to turn, just been for a long walk in the wind and rain to clear my head!