Escaping from an EA Twunt of a Husband - but I desperately want to stay in the house for my sons' sake...HELP

[Oddsox2]

I don't know if anyone has any advice or experience of this but I could really do with some help please.

Finally, finally, I have seen the light where my EA and controlling husband is concerned. It's taken me such a long time, as those of you who've read my previous posts will know, but I've got there.

I have had my initial appt with the solicitor and she was wonderful, but couldn't really go into detail about what the financial outcome would be because obvioiusly she didn't have the financial facts and figures in front of her.

My STBXH has already told me he doesn't "love me like that" anymore, this was last September and icing on the cake really, after over 6 years of EA, and no sex for over 3 years (I'd apparently let myself go, was a fat cnut and why on earth would he want to sleep with me - now I've had my light bulb moment I can see a size 12-14 isn't a fat twunt and I've always taken pride in my appearance but hey ho, "love" is blind so they say).

Anyway, he is ok with us separating but wants us to stay in the same house for our DS who is 5, he is calling me selfish for not wanting to live like that and keeps saying "think carefully before you blow our DS's world apart as he won't thank you for it" - but my husband is coming and going as he pleases, staying out at weekends, and we never see him so I can't see how I'd be blowing my sons world apart.

The stickler is the house, I desperately want to stay in it for the sake of our son, we live in a village where he goes to the village school, his friends are the neighbours and life is lovely for him inside his little bubble. I lost my Mum in 2011 and it really did blow my little boys world apart as he was so close to his nanny and he couldn't understand why she had to leave him. As a result he is always worried something may happen to me (not bothered about his dad) and his house is his safe haven.

There isn't a huge amount of equity in the property, and I own 40% of my husbands business which is doing well. My husband owns the car, and has a good pension. I don't want any of these things, I just want to stay in the house. I can afford to take on the mortgage.

My husband says over his dead body, either we sell up or he stays put, I know this is a double bluff as he doesn't want to sell the house, he just doesn't want to move out. But I can't carry on like this, it's killing me.

What I would like to know, is what chance I have of staying in the house if this all goes through solicitors and courts etc, I don't really have the money to take it to court and I am hoping that if my husband realises that chances are I would end up being able to stay in the house with our son then maybe he'd give up and move on..... A girl can dream....??

Thank you so much
XXXXX

You're going to have to mentally move out of the house now.... I think it's so remote a chance that you'll still be able to afford to be there post divorce that you might as well start preparing for that eventuality. Yes it'll be a wrench for you and your DS but, when it comes to abusive men, you can't afford to hedge.

Call his bluff. Sell up. Find a new place that is truly your own and make it a much safer haven than the current one.

You need to move and start again.

He'll always see it as 'his' house and never leave you alone.

You're your son's world, not the house.

You can make yourselves a lovely cosy home which is yours - not twuntfaces.

:)

Thank you xxx

I won't be able to get back onto the property ladder though with my earnings, it wouldn't give me a big enough mortgage to buy anywhere else.

If only we could stay, as I can afford the mortgage on the house we're in comfortably.

It's all so very hard. My little boy would be devestated. x

You're your son's world, not the house - Wise woman that MrsRajesh.

Children adapt to their surroundings with ease, as long as their mummy is with them.

As there's so little equity in the house, it wouldn't cost much to buy him out. Courts usually prefer to have as least disruption to DC, so the parent with custody will usually be the one who stays in the house with the DC. If it all goes to court, then you are the one who is far more likely to get the house, especially if you can afford to take on the mortgage.

Keep a diary of your STBXH's comings and goings (and any bullying, if he comes home drunk, etc), to prove that he actually brings very little to the family unit and that he is not doing much parenting so shouldn't be awarded a 50/50 custody arrangement.

"I won't be able to get back onto the property ladder though with my earnings"

So now you have to consider the business, the car, the pension as part of the deal. It's your and your DC's future at stake. If he won't let you buy him out of his share of the property or if there is a financial block preventing you doing that (e.g. your salary is not high enough to remortgage as the sole borrower) then you'll have to have a Plan B which allows for a forced sale. In a similar position many years ago I got my DM to stand as guarantor on the mortgage and kept my home... but there was zero equity and my exH was happy to sign the place over. Had things been different, had he been less cooperative, I'd have had to sell.

'Fail to plan and you plan to fail'....consider all the options rather than going after just one.

DIYapprentice thank you. This is what I was thinking, if it came down to splitting all his assets and the business, by the time he had to pay me off, that would be more than enough to buy his half of the equity in the house.

That's a great idea re: the diary. I will definitely do that.

It just seems so nonsensical to me that I can afford a mortgage in the only home my son has ever known, my husband is barely there are hasn't been since our son was born, and yet he wants us to sell up just so we can't stay there, and I'd have to rent somewhere else because I wouldn't be able to buy.

He doesn't want 50/50 custody, says he hasn't got time! Which I suspect is why he wants to stay as we are, as at the moment he sees our DS for 10 minutes in the morning from when he wakes up to when my son goes to school, and then he sees him on a Sunday afternoon after he's got out of bed. The rest of the time he's "at work" from 8am until about 10:30pm Monday to Saturday and has been like this since DS was born. I am SO sick of being alone.

x

CogitoErgo thank you for the advice. I do have a very close friend who has offered to Guarantor me, I guess I should speak to the mortgage company to see if this is still an option nower days...?