In a mess of my own creation-please help

[Inapickle123]

Hi,

This is going to be epic so please bear with me.

I have been with my husband for 9 years (18 months married) and things have been pottering away fairly well. We are pretty similar: same interests, same values etc. Our relationship has never set the world on fire but I've loved the security he has offered me over the years. He is an inherently good man and, while he has faults, he puts up with mine too. It has never been a "wow" love-it has evolved over time Ito something safe and reliable.

Over the years we have drifted-there's no doubt about it. I have been very focused on my career while he has been content to just stay in his job. I have maintained and built friendships and he's let his drift, happy just to inherit my friends and family. It has gotten to the stage where I no longer have any individual friends/family, everything is linked. He depends so highly on me for his happiness that, when I don't meet his expectations (working late/seeing colleagues etc) he starts the silent treatment. I've tried to juggle the plates for as long as I could, but I've totally screwed up and no longer know what I want.

Our whole life has been "what next?" and its this that has forced me into reevaluating our relationship. We met very young so it was always find a better job, move house, holidays, marriage etc. then we decided to try for a family. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen for us and I so desperately wanted it with him. It's the role he was born for and i needed to see him in and, despite everything, he says it doesn't matter. But I know it does.

I have a very demanding job and I love it. It's really long hours (8am-7pm most nights and weekend working too) but this is what I have to do because I care about it. He doesn't get this and I'll admit that, following the harshness of the diagnosis, I pulled away. Knowing we will never have that-that the next big thing for the next 20 years will be deciding where we go on holiday-fills me with unimaginable depression. He is a great man- a keeper-but I'm not sure that "we" are enough.

But here comes the awful part.

I've been growing closer to someone that I shouldn't. Nothing has happened-we have admitted how we feel-but I don't want to be that type of person. But, the emotional stuff that we've talked about fills me both with guilt and complete happiness. I feel so calm and content with him and there's something there that was missing from my relationship with my husband from the very beginning.

After months of silence, aversion, sadness, my husband moved out for a bit last week. I wanted to miss him-I want my marriage to work-but I don't. I've been chatting to both of them and I go from being completely convinced that I'm going to try to make it work one minute, to seeing my "other" and being Bowles over by the strength of my feelings.

I hate myself. I hate that I'm capable of this. I hate that I don't know what to do; stay safe with a good (great) man, who has flaws but who most woman would kill for, or give it up for something potentially amazing.

I just don't know what to do. I have to decide- I'm not willing to lead people on but, no matter what happens, I'm going to be miserable.

I never thought I'd find myself here. I'm sorry-I must be coming across awfully but my head is all over the place.

I'm going to tell you this as someone who is currently desperately trying to rebuild my marriage having done exactly what you did. Nothing happened. Just messages.

You need to stop speaking to this OM. At least while you decide what you want to happen in your marriage. It's the only way. Because if you do decide you want your husband, you might well be too late. Can you be honest with him about how you are feeling and what is happening?

But please. Sort out your marriage first. Either you in or your out. If you chose out, you can talk to OM.

I agree that you need to stop talking to the OM, but you also need to ask yourself if the feelings you have regarding your DH were there before you started talking to the OM or since. Sometimes the human psyche 'manufactures' problems in the relationships as a subconscious justification for why you've allowed an emotional bond with someone else. It's effect rather than cause. You need to be clear in your head about this with crystal clarity if you're going to make the right call.

All that said, your DH giving you the silent treatment and having his whole life run off the back of yours is very unhealthy indeed in my mind. No wonder you are bored and feeling more than a little suffocated. If you want your marriage to work, that's something your DH needs to work on quite irrespective of the OM.

Ultimately, if not having children means there isn't enough in the relationship to keep it going, then that's what it means for you. Doesn't make you a bad person. Some couples cope ok with infertility, others don't. There is no right and wrong, only different. It's ok to leave him if you just don't feel there is enough between the two of you to last you alone into old age.

"I wanted to miss him-I want my marriage to work-but I don't."

Well, that's probably your answer. If you end you marriage (as you appear to have checked out emotionally some time ago), you will then be able to pursue a relationship you will find more fulfilling.

But it may well not be with this OM, or at least not straightaway. A period of being genuinely single will help you determine what you really want from life. And you may decide you can do better than OM, who has for some reason chosen a relationship with a Ms Unavailable like you, rather than going for a real commitment.

Thank you for your quick responses.

I know that the "right" thing to do is cut off contact. I know this. But it isn't that easy as he is constantly in close proximity. When there is no message contact, I'm totally fine - I miss him but that's normal - it's just that when I see him, I'm right back to square one. There's no getting around it.

The problems I allude to have always been there but, in fairness, have become much more recognisable since this all started.

I know I have to cut off contact but it fills me with complete dread. I know that time heals wounds - this attraction/dependence wil fade and we'll both move on, happily or unhappily - but I can't see me progressing happily knowing that he's out there. I would never tell my husband - I haven't told a soul -but how do I pretend that everything is ok, when it clearly isn't?

I genuinely thought I was better than this. It's quite a lot to take on board that I am capable of doing this to people that I care about.

Today, I haven't seen him and I've been completely "I'm going to make my marriage work - this is vile behaviour - how can you do this? You need to give husband at least a chance to change". But I know the moment I see him later, my resolve will go out the window, like the fickle, idiotic fool that I am.

You describe your husband as a "great man who most women would kill for"

Yet he doesn't sound it from the rest of your story.

Your hubby is " a man who depends totally on me for his own happiness"

That doesn't sound to me like someone who most women would kill for.

You have the benefit that whatever decision you make will not affect any children.

Sounds to me like you met too young, have grown apart and now you have had your head turned by no doubt somebody more driven and interesting than your husband it has made you think that maybe hubby isn't all he is cracked up to be.

In this instance it sounds to me like you have reached the end of one relationship and the possibility of another is beginning. Nothing wrong with that if that's how you feel.

Just do the decent thing and end relationship one before embarking on the 2nd

I don't think you should beat yourself up. Sounds like you and your DH got together too young, aren't particularly right for each other and now you want different things. Very common. Having a crush on someone else isn't the end of the world but I think you have to face up to the marital problems first and deal with them properly. If that means splitting up, split up so that you can both make a new life with new people. If it means committing to the marriage make sure it's what you really want and not something you think you ought to do.

"You need to give husband at least a chance to change"

Btw.... this. If you're any older than mid twenties you are unlikely to change as individuals. You and your DH are the people you are. So if you commit to the marriage please understand that him changing is not on the cards. All you can do is find ways to accept difference and work together.