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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

reply to a msg from abusive xh's new (?) gf, or not bother?

29 replies

MsWinkleman · 21/03/2013 10:11

I've posted on here about my abusive x. He was financially, emotionally, verbally and physically aggressive. I've gained a lot of clarity from posters on here over the 5 years.

Less than a year ago he said (not to me) that he'd no idea why I left. He couldn't understand it. Still sayin I was selfish to break up the family.

I got a fb message from a woman with no photo, it's not even her real fb. The name seems a bit fake. She (?) is asking me some questions, but also, seems quite controlling in that she is telling me how to answer them.

Directing me to answer truthfully, as though the most likely scenario is that I will lie to her, and also commanding me to answer yes or no. So it seems like a survey, very carefully crafted.

Obviously he's told her some utter bullshit about me being mentally ill and selfish. But the fact that she's fb'd me wanting to know "yes or no" did he ever hit you, some warning bell is ringing in her head. I don't want any woman, even a sneaky one who is talking down to me like I'm the one on trial to get sucked into a vortex of toxicity.

Can I send a message telling her yes he was verbally, financially and physically abusive, controlling, manipulative and a sulker, and then block her from replying to that message? Because I feel I want to warn her but I don't want her to come back to me and tell me she doesn't believe me, or come back defending him or making excuses for him.

OP posts:

katrinefonsmark · 21/03/2013 10:13

Don't reply. It might be him. If someone really needs to contact you they can find a better way.

JammySplodger · 21/03/2013 10:14

Take a copy (print and screen dump) and then block.

Do you actually think it's his girlfriend or it is him?

Loulybelle · 21/03/2013 10:14

Tbh, i wouldnt even reply, why should you need too, not your concern anymore, also if you did reply, it'd be turned and twisted against you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/03/2013 10:15

Delete. Don't answer. You are not responsible for someone else and if it looks like a set up, all looks rather fake, for all you know it could be your ex masquerading as a woman to draw information out of you.

If his actual g/f wants to know the truth they could easily pick up the phone.

kalidanger · 21/03/2013 10:16

Delete and block. It's the only useful (and powerful) thing you can do.

Longdistance · 21/03/2013 10:18

I'd say it was him. Delete and block.

AuntieStella · 21/03/2013 10:20

Either don't reply at all, or send an acknowledgement stating the relationship is over and you have no wish to discuss it via FB.

I think your instinct to warn someone about what they may be getting in to is a good one. But that doesn't extend to answering an unsolicited message that you think may be dodgy.

Shesparkles · 21/03/2013 10:20

Delete and block-don't dignify the idiot with a response. Then check your FB settings so random people can't send you messages

SilverSnake · 21/03/2013 10:20

Dont engage, you dont have too.

If it makes you feel better think that she is an adult capable of judgeing people on her own.

I have never known a gf to contact the ex to find out why she is the ex!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 21/03/2013 10:26

You don't have to reply at all.

I too wonder if it is actually him.

Original poster

MsWinkleman · 21/03/2013 10:30

I did wonder if it was him, but I don't think it is because he would never listen to me or hear me. I have told him maybe 1000 times and not one of those times did it ever penetrate his belief that I left because I was selfish.

Thanks. I will not reply. Because if this person replies to challenge me then I will get upset and angry. I know what the truth is and I don't want to feel that there is some onus on me to prove it.

I will take a screen shot of it though.

OP posts:

Original poster

MsWinkleman · 21/03/2013 10:37

Although, I think, it could be him if he wanted me to prove he didn't hit me. And then print it off and say 'look'. To a judge, in the future. He never hit me. He says. He just pushed me and shoved me and poked me, and then pushed me harder, shoved me further accross the room, poked me more viciously, he also pulled my hair and put his hands accross my mouth to stop me talking. But he did not 'hit me'. I think. And now that I think about it, the wording of the question is like somebody who knows his defense, or ........ maybe it is him.
Right. definitely definitely not replying. thank goodness I ran it past mn before crashing off a replly.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 21/03/2013 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2013 10:47

Just print, save and ignore. And if there are any further messages, consider having a word with the local police (non-emergency number) - do you have to have any form of contact with XP eg over contact with DC or sorting out finances, and are there any non-molestation orders in place?

Uppatreecuppatea · 21/03/2013 18:29

My sister's ex husband was sexually abusive towards her. He did a lot of vile things. She divorced him.

A couple of years later, his new wife contacted my sister to ask whether she had suffered sexual abuse from him. He had told her that my sister accepted all the weird things he did and that it was normal and that most women loved it.

The stuff he did to the second wife was a lot worse. Bringing prostitutes home and insisting on having threesomes etc. Possibly because she is Russian, he tried to make out that it was a 'cultural' difference' and that most English women would love it and 'what was wrong with her'.

My sister did reply and the two got together for a coffee and a chat. The poor wife had been told a whole heap of lies and it took a long talk with my sister for her to realise what a vile liar he is.

She has now also divorced him. I think my sister did the right thing and she helped to save this woman from a terrible situation.

If it were me, I would reply. This could be a real cry for help.

CoteDAzur · 21/03/2013 18:35

When you send a message to a stranger (even as a reply to her message) your FB page will be visible to her for a while. It might be your ex trying to see what you are up to on FB.

lemonstartree · 21/03/2013 22:07

personally I would reply. Honestly. And then I would block the fb sender.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 22/03/2013 00:26

if it rang true, i'd be thinking to reply then block but it doesnt ring true to you does it? and our gut instinct are there for a reason... in this kind of situation, im afraid you need to listen to your gut, and also, put yourself first, your safety (emotionally or practically), you need to protect yourself to stop him harming you again in some way.

You have said you dont feel strong enough to get into a toxic situation (who would!), or to hear this person reply refuting your reality, your facts, your history. And that tells you everything you need to know really. I'm very sorry for her if she is real, and if she has a positive intention, But nothing youve written here suggests that.

You have to be kind to yourself, and protect yourself. so am thinking dont reply and dont dwell on it too much if possible.

WafflyVersatile · 22/03/2013 02:20

First make sure you are protected. Could answering this come back to you or cause you problems? do you have kids that he has access to? Were your accusations at the time public record, ie used in divorce or custody stuff? Would you be saying anything you hadn't said before.

I don't really understand why it would be your husband.

I think the most likely scenario is that a new partner of his is beginning to doubt his version of you and beginning to think she's in trouble herself. It would be understandable that she's chosen a new fb name to protect herself. How was it worded? In what way did it seem controlling etc? Can you see her profile?

Maybe answer her to whatever extent you find comfortable and/or send her a link to Women's Aid or one of those checklists to tell if you're in an abusive relationship. then block. and make sure your privacy settings are locked down with no non-friends able to send you messages at all.

WafflyVersatile · 22/03/2013 02:23

Or reply saying you 'don't know who you are or who you think I am but here are some links for you if you think you might be in an abusive relationship'.

kalidanger · 22/03/2013 07:10

Or don't answer. I would delete and block and yes, fleetingly feel uncomfortable that a woman might be in a v difficult position but the tone of that message is so peculiar that I can't believe it's her.

If it was a woman apologetically asking for advice that would be one thing. But it's not, it's a stranger demanding information and ordering you to provide 'facts'.

Prev poster about the Rusdian woman - that's how it goes. Not this bizarre message.

Hissy · 22/03/2013 07:44

First, sort your FB security.

Then see what your gut says. If there's a teeny part of you that suspects it is her, then simply send a link to WA and say if you feel you're being abused, don't waste time like I did, get out straight away.

That will say to her that you were abused, but that she needs to seek help from professionals.

Why do you have any contact with him at all? Do you have kids, does he see them? If not, change all your contacts and get him out of your life.

Hissy · 22/03/2013 07:46

If it doesn't ring true, then block, sort out privacy levels, and get a new number/email. The ex can be the only muppet using the old ones if there is any need to keep the poisonous lump in your life.

MimiSunshine · 22/03/2013 08:06

It's hard to say whether its genuine or not. But a couple of scenarios could be:

it's your ex playing some twisted mind games
it's the GF wanting to find out your side of the story. In which case:

- she'll come back and say you're lying "she knows him and knows he wouldn't do that" - she's set up a new secret picture-less profile so that your ex doesn't stumble across her trying to get help. In which case maybe the yes / no questions are a clumsy attempt at finding out the facts and confirming she's in an abusive relationship but she's trying not to make you feel that you have to detail details which would distress you.

For peace of mind I would send a note back saying you don't wish to go over the abuse from that relationship but if you're feeling threatened then you found XYZ agencies / websites very helpful

arsenaltilidie · 22/03/2013 17:35

Difficult one, either look out for yourself or to save another woman.
If it was the new GF then her questions would've been wanting to see the whole picture, not just yes or no answers.
But questions from a controlling man would be "I want yes or no answers."

If she is really serious then she should find better ways of communicating than an anonymous account.

Agree with Sunshine give her information on DV services or direct her here

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