Hate My Life

[Rocklover]

Apart from my beautiful DD who is my everthing, I hate my life, mailny because of my marriage I think. I wouldn't even know where to start in describing our relationship, but, I know that many people would say it isn't THAT bad. DH gets in a mood quite easily and as a result we can never talk about our problems, so they never get sorted. We are currently living at my parents as we could not afford our house, partly due to me being a SAHM which I feel tremedously guilty for (even though it is not all my fault - long, long story). I want to get a job, but am unable to work at present due to severe back problems. DH keeps changing his mind as to what he wants to do in his career (is a teacher), where he wants to move etc, so I am constantly waiting for him to make a decision as until then, I am unable to get on with my life as I don't even know where we will be at the end of the year. I want another baby (although am having second thoughts becuase of DH) but he won't consider it until Dec next yr as he had a very hard time with DD because of my illness and not being ready for a child. I will be 33 by then and worry about leaving it late, although in reality he would rather have put of DD til next yr. Basically we have no relationship as we cannot talk and he is petty indifferent half the time. Feel so crap...help!

You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who won't talk to you. It's a killer. He has to talk to you.

It's how to get him to that's the problem. Would he consider counselling? Could it be that he's depressed, what with all the rotten things you've both had to deal with? Some men internalise it and become distant.

I think you are right to postpone another baby for now. You have enough on your plate.

:( i empathise so much with you, rocklover. my dh gets worked up easily and we never talk, and when we try to, we just row anyway.

when too many things get swept under the rug, it just grows... would your husband consider counselling, is that something that might be finanically doable?

im sorry that you have back problems:( it doesnt matter if someone might say your problems arent that bad, to you, they are and that is what really matters.

in the meantime, is there anyone else you can talk to? maybe your health visitor? (i know with the health visitors in my area, they arrange 'listening' visits, where you can just talk to them about things..)

Can you arrange a couple of days / evenings out for the two of you (if parents would babysit?)

Not anything expensive, maybe a picnic. So a dose of fun (even if you don't feel like it) and try to remember the things you like about him. Sounds like you are both pretty jaded just now. Is there any way you can take the pressure off making the decisions, say for another 6 months. And commit to just doing some fun stuff this summer, alone and as a family?

Sometimes men need space from the pressure to come to their decisions

Also, do you have things (interests, friends) just for you?

LOL

Some of the problem is that we don't have our own friends, mainly through moving around so much (DH tends to panic move, but I have put my foot down now). We should go out more, but trying to get him to go out is a nightmare, although he blames it all on me. On his half term I tried to get him to come down town with me and DD and go for a meal, and tried to get him to come to the park with me to watch her on the swings, but he said he was too tired. He says our problems are due to not going out and on holiday etc, but I disagree, it plays a part, but i also think it is just as important to do the simple things, like going to the park, as we don't drive I think this is doubly important. Funny thing is he has never taken her to the park or come with me, because he just wouldn't think of it. He says he would come to counselling, but I don't think he would, plus it is money he would not be happy spending. When my back is a bit better, I plan on getting out and about more, taking DD to toddler groups etc, to make me feel more lively. I don't know how to tackle DH, emotionally he is very complicated as he was physically abused by his Dad as a child and he still doesn't know how to handle his relationship with his parents. I think he needs help with this, but he says I am making too big a thing of it. Maybe I am getting things out of proportion, but, at the moment I don't love him at all. I just feel sorry for him.

thats a shame about your dh being abused as a child:( that is something he alone probably needs counselling to sort thru and his issues with his own family are most likely affecting how he is dealing with you and your daughter....

getting out is crucial to any relationship and family, i think. not even for meals or things that cost money, going to the park even!

have you looked into any mumsnet meetups in your area? (if there isnt one, maybe try and start one?)
i dont know if im allowed to mention other sites here (but will risk it and hope for the best!) but netmums is a good site for meeting other local moms. if your dh doesnt want to get out and about with it, its really important you have friends that you can get out with.

what would happen if you STOPPED asking him to come out with you and dd? do you think he would notice? or just let it go? (its f**king hard when someone else blames you for something that is THEIR responsibility..)

He doesn't even notice that I don't talk to him about any problems anymore (my poor Mum gets her ears bashed, thank the lord for her and my Dad or I'd be insane by now). His idea of a good relationship is going on holiday whenever you want to and not arguing (i.e. avoiding any issues that may turn into a row).
I can't even remember the last time we said we loved each other, although he does insist on kissing me before he goes to work, that's something I suppose. He never initiates sex anymore, saying that I have refused too many times (tiredness mainly, but don't always refuse!!!) and he says he will no longer try as he is fed up with rejection, so I have to ask for that too if I want intamacy. Don't get me wrong he is not the worst bloke in the world, but I am fed up with feeling guilty for not earning money and fed up with being the one who makes all the effort in the relationship!!!

i know where you're coming from, i can relate on some aspects :( most men do not understand that staying at home and raising a child (let alone children!) is tiring and hard work. (i have this problem with dh :I)

it does seem like he's really avoiding the real issues and maybe he does care about it and doesn't know how to express that.. but you shouldnt feel guilty for not earning a wage! you are raising your daughter!!

have you ever thought about separating, even for a short amount of time?

Do you think he's depressed?

ALso, don't worry about the fact that you don't feel you love him right now. Is not surprising, since you're not getting what you need from the relationship.

The main thing is to work out how to get it all back on track. Has your DH always been like he is now, or has he changed in recent months / years. That might give you a clue as to the reason for the situation you're in now.

Also, (and sorry if this sounds trite or annoying.....) the only person you can change at the end of the day is you. If you examine your own behaviour, are you contributing to the problem by nagging, complaining lots etc. (I learned that the hard way!)

We did have a trial seperation, but it was on the understanding that we would definitely be getting back together. Then I went back and things were pretty good for around a month, then he hit his half term and played his championship manager game on the pc 24/7 or he was asleep. After around 4 days or so I couldn't cope with not confronting him about it as the only conversation we had was when he was eating the meals I cooked. We then had a massive row with him telling me that he couldn't cope because we were moving in with my parents (his idea btw). In the middle of the row he got into bed and said he was too tired (had been playing his game til the early hours) and just closed his eyes and ignored me, until I was annoying him too much and he told me to leave. He then just pretends that everything is hunky dory and the row didn't mean that much. He said i was making too much of a fuss because his ignoring me and game playing had "only been for a week". I can't seem to get anything right when we talk, so now I just let him get on with stuff and say nothing.

We did have a trial seperation, but it was on the understanding that we would definitely be getting back together. Then I went back and things were pretty good for around a month, then he hit his half term and played his championship manager game on the pc 24/7 or he was asleep. After around 4 days or so I couldn't cope with not confronting him about it as the only conversation we had was when he was eating the meals I cooked. We then had a massive row with him telling me that he couldn't cope because we were moving in with my parents (his idea btw). In the middle of the row he got into bed and said he was too tired (had been playing his game til the early hours) and just closed his eyes and ignored me, until I was annoying him too much and he told me to leave. He then just pretends that everything is hunky dory and the row didn't mean that much. He said i was making too much of a fuss because his ignoring me and game playing had "only been for a week". I can't seem to get anything right when we talk, so now I just let him get on with stuff and say nothing. I learned too, which is why I don't bother having a go, but, unfortunately as you can imagine this makes me uptight and tetchy as our realationship is standing still. There are so many background issues, I wouldn't have time to go over everything. Just feel at my wits end and that I desrve more out of this life.

Oops sorry about the double post, DD was trying to be helpful with the mouse :-)

you do deserve more. and i know how frustrating it is, you just want to bang your head against the wall!

listen if you wanna talk offboard anytime,let me know.. its important to have people we can safely vent to.

i hope you have a decent night. maybe have a bath and relax some once your dd is in bed? xx

Maybe it's partly that different man-woman approach to problems. Have you looked at that book : "Women are from Venus, men are from Mars" or something similar? I remember reading in it that basically women like to discuss problems and how they feel because it gets things off their chest and makes them feel better; whereas men feel stressed by it. They think when you tell them about problems, you're expecting them to come up with a solution. Then once they've presented you with one, they like the matter to be finished with. We women however, just get into our stride when they do that and settle in for a nice long discussion. I found to an extent that it is true for us.

What I find hardest in your situation is that you are expected to put your life on hold. I know that your situation is tricky, since he is the breadwinner, you are limited by what he choses to do. However, I do feel you should go ahead and live a life of your own whilst he is making his mind up. If he won't go out, find a friend you can go out with, get friendly with local mums, leave child with your parents now and again and go and do something for yourself. Don't let him be the one to make all the decisions about your life, since he doesn't strike me as being very good at it.

I think babie sonly make a good relationship better. Think very carefully about having another one with him.

TBH I really don't think that DH knows how I feel. Since an argument around 4 weeks ago, we haven't really spoken about much. I did try one lighthearted conversation about where our lives were headed, but he just seemed to think it was just that a general conversation. At the moment I find it hard to let him touch me, I'm sure he must have noticed, but he won't say anything, it will just come out if we have a row. I do understand Men are from Mars Women are fron Venus concept, but, he doesn't really give my feelings a thought, it probably wouldn't occur to him that I could be deeply unhappy. If I ever do tell him deep stuff he tries to rationalise it by saying, but when your back is better, make some friends, get a job etc, anything except our relationship. If we do manage to have a relationship talk, he is no help, just says "I don't know" when I try and ask what he thinks needs to be done, or how he feels. Because it's been left so long, I don't think I'd know where to start in talking to him about us!

Sounds like you have to make it plain to him how sad and upset you are feeling. Dont be accusing or critical just tell him what has made you sad and how things would be so much better if you could talk. My dp is tha same and doesnt communicate but it is the key to a good raltionship. Wishing you lots of luck.

Having more of your thread Rocklover try getting him to go to Relate (they are free arnt they ? Or they suggest a donation?) that might help him to open up and get his feelings out. My dp is the same and had a hard time when he was younger. Maybe one day your dp will go to councelling for himself which is what he needs to do as well IMHO. Best hold back with another child until you really know which way your relationship is heading.

Having more of your thread Rocklover try getting him to go to Relate (they are free arnt they ? Or they suggest a donation?) that might help him to open up and get his feelings out. My dp is the same and had a hard time when he was younger. Maybe one day your dp will go to councelling for himself which is what he needs to do as well IMHO. Best hold back with another child until you really know which way your relationship is heading.

Relate isn't free. they may work with you to get a good rate, but certainly aren't free! (and they call themselves a 'charity'! :I)

i guess its really worth asking yourself if you want to fix this. and then, find out if he does. if he wont talk to you, maybe write him a letter. some men are so damn good at internalising their feelings and once they have done it for so long, they often can't stop. (like its a defense/protection mechanism)

realising this now is much better than in 5 years (or longer!) i hope, for your sake and your daughters that he will come around :I

I think he sounds depressed and terrified of confrontation. Maybe this fear of confrontation is due to his past. Some people who have suffered abuse find it very hard to express their own emotions and deal with others because they've never learned how to do it (because of their own abusive parents). I know that sounds like a cop out for him but I think if you ever loved him in the past, perhaps you could sit him down and persuade him that he needs to go to the GP and have a chat (and arrange counselling).

Can you imagine any concrete steps you would like to see him or both of you undertake that would make you feel better, at least in the short term - and then make 2 concrete suggestions to him?

I agree FIS that his upbringing has not allowed him to develop emotionally, he was separated from his parents for 2 yrs between the ages of 1 and 3(they came to england, he stayed in Spain) and I feel that a bond never really formed. Then his Dad became an alcoholic who beat his Mum and him (at 15 he was very much given the role of protector by his Mum), his Mum is still with his Dad despite him still beating her from time to time and having many affairs (mainly with prostitutes). I feel so sorry for DH and know he is nothing like his Dad and wish i could help him, but, he just won't take that step, sometime he agrees he needs help, then he suddenly says that I am making too much of things. I do care about him alot, but I have come to the conclusion that he just cannot cope with having a family and everyday life, there was a very definite change just before and after DD was born. I would like to see him happy, but, I don't seem to have the skills or the strength to help him anymore. He used to be very emotional when we rowed before we were married, now he just gets angry. I honestly feel that he needs to make the move to sort things out as me doing that just isn't helping anymore.