I feel desperate

[Djwkin]

Hi. I am not your typical user of Mumsnet, being a 32 year old man. My situation seems so desperate though, and I was wondering if I could have some impartial advice on how to move forward. All views are welcome.

I am currently living between the houses of my mother and my long term partner ( a much older man with mental health/alcohol related issues) in a small town in a fairly deprived part of South West England. I have some physical limitations due to right hemiplegia (a form of cerebral palsy). This means I can't drive, as I would need adaptations and special lessons, but cannot afford them as not eligible for government help due to not receiving mobility component of disability living allowance.

I am working as Front of House at a local art gallery, museum and tourist information centre. This is low paid, and only 21 hours a week, so it is difficult for me to save anything. The area has very few non- manual jobs, so I am lucky to have this.

My life history is as follows: I was raised by a single mother on benefits after my parents split up shortly after my diagnosis (at 10 months). My mother then went to university etc, and became an infant teacher when I was in my early teens. However, she is very bitter about the way her life turned out (no new partner etc.) and blames me. In anger she will call me spastic, cripple etc, and say I ruined her life as no man would be interested in a woman with a disabled child. However, conversely she is very dependent on me, and is constantly trying to engineer me being with her, saying you wouldn't manage alone etc.

Anyway, I did well academically at my local secondary school, getting top grades and getting a place to study English at Cambridge. I think I did we'll academically as I would type my mother's essays etc for her, and was socially awkward and rejected due to the disability.

When I went to Cambridge I struggled psychologically and I was very unhappy. I also started a relationship with my partner, and at the end of the first year I left and returned to my home town. I then lived with my partner, who had a severe drink problem (four to six litres of cider a day) and my lack of self-esteem meant I let the situAtion continue (he would go out drinking and then rant and rave at me). He has recently tried to address the drinking, but is long term unemployed with severe depression.

Anyway, when I was 25 I decided things had to change, and was lucky enough to be allowed to return to Cambridge. I worked hard and got a first, which I was chuffed with. It was hard for me to go back, as my mother expected me to take care of her dogs (this situation is ongoing - I am expected not to go out when I am not at work as 'what about the dogs?'

I was thus very pleased to have my degree, and quickly did a Celta course (tefl qualification) in Italy. This was ok, but I developed severe angioedema and missed my partner, so came back to Devon.

I then did tefl work in the area in the summer and was on jsa the rest of the time (which suited my mother, as I could take care of her dogs etc). I was also dealing with my partner's drinking and suicide attempts, and also broke my hip in the winter of 2009.

I decided for my self esteem I needed regular work, which is when I got my present job. However, this job doesn't allow me proper autonomy etc, being part-time with no prospects. I do ok, but it is low level and is now making me feel worse about myself.

I would do anything to escape. I am also financially supporting my partner (he has suffered from atos healthcare assessments) and weirdly my mother. I had saved some money, but she broke her back in December ( a stable fracture, and she will get better in time). I've had to buy her clothes, shopping, vet bills, cigarettes as she can't get out. This is upwards of £1000 I have spent. I have asked her for it back, but she just laughs in my face and says I was a mug for using my card. Her school is undergoing restructuring and her job is possibly at risk, but she has a damn sight more money than me. Instead, she accesses my amazon account and buys stuff on it.

I really want to escape, but my self-confidence is shot. I now have very few friends and no support. I did go and see a friend in London last year and applied for jobs there, but no luck (due to where I live perhaps, and a patchy cv). I would like to try to get into a career in social work, but can't find work related to make me eligible. I also don't know how to fund the conversion course. If anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful ( thank you for reading this long and messy post). I would seek mental health support, but there are no resources in my area, and I don't want to take anti ds in case it deepens my apathy/inertia.

It sounds like you need practical help as well as emotional support and that you need to break away from your abusive mother and start putting yourself first for once. You are an intelligent chap and when your self esteem improves you'll have good prospects to get a job.

Hopefully some mumsnetters will be along with practical advice but have you looked into the possibility of a job where you could 'live in' - as a stepping stone?
best of luck you've coped with an awful lot and are stronger than you think

I feel completely out of depth when it comes to giving you advice, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered for long. Hopefully someone will come along with helpful suggestions. In the meantime, please know that someone (me) cares about your situation, and that asking for help is the first step to getting better. It's a hard step too.

I couldn't read and run you sound like a very kind,caring and intelligent man. I'm sorry I can't offer any useful advice but I hope my post will bump your thread so somebody that can will see it.

I have very little to offer in the way of advice, but didn't want to read and run.

Firstly, congratulations on your first from Cambridge, that is an incredible achievement and you should be extremely proud, not just chuffed!

Your mother sounds toxic and I really think you should try to get out from under her roof, although living with your partner doesn't sound ideal either. Do you qualify for any tax credits? Can you afford to rent a room somewhere?

I think you need to work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself a little. I am sure someone wiser will be along soon with better advice, but in the meantime change all your online shopping passwords! ;)

Another one here with very little practical advice/knowledge to offer but like the others, I think you sound lovely and I really don't want to read and run.
I think you should contact the Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as possible as they will be able to give you the help you need to escape your mothers clutches and rebuild the life you deserve. I don't want to be rude about your mum but she really sounds toxic and I think the sooner you are away from her the better. And change your amazon password immediately, no way should she be allowed to buy things without your permission. X

Hello Djwkin

I just wanted to list the impressions I have of you from reading your post:

You are highly intelligent

You are kind

You have persistence

You are generous

You think proactively

You are courageous

To summarise, I think you sound like an amazing person. But you have two toxic people in your life, to whom you feel inextricably bound. You really need to free yourself of both of them. You know that though - your desire to escape to London is a healthy one.

I don't know how long it will take for you to find your escape route to a life you want, but it will happen. Stay with your idea to move on, reinforce it every day and know that it can and will happen. Allow it to strengthen, trust it. Trust yourself. You will make it happen. You have made bold moves in the past and you can do it again.

Maybe a good place to start would be to find some voluntary work in a field that interests you, related to your desire to get into social work?

Start a savings account dedicated to your conversion course fund? It might take ages but with every pound saved you'd be closer to your next step.

Your GP must offer counselling? There will be a waiting list but it can't hurt to join it.

Good luck. You deserve all good things

I just wanted to say that I'm full of admiration with how you are coping with a situation that sounds difficult on so many levels. I'm on my phone so forgive me if I sound a bit disjointed.

Easiest one first - ring your local university (Exeter?) and have a chat to the admissions tutor for the course you want to do. They will be helpful and talk to you about options available for funding. With regard to experience, it's going to have to be voluntary work, and this is where you having a part-time job becomes officially a Good Thing!

Your mum sounds a nasty piece of work to be honest and is abusive to you verbally, emotionally and financially. Some of the things she's said are pretty much unforgivable. I know it might be hard, but you need to put some distance between the two of you starting now. Her finances are her problem. Her dogs are her problem. Even her health is her problem. Help her if YOU want to, not because she says you have to, or makes you feel guilty, or you feel it's your duty. You owe this woman nothing.

As for your partner, just one question - do you love him?

A couple of practical things to do:-

Go to your GP and ask to be put on the waiting list for counselling.

Find out if there are any charities relating to your condition that could offer practical help, befriending, counselling, grants etc etc especially relating to driving.

Go to CAB and check you're claiming your full benefit entitlement (slim chance but worth a try)

Contact Al-Anon for support about your partner.

Once you've ditched the dogs, join a club, group, class, choir, whatever, so you can have a night out a week and make some friends. Socialising round an activity is much easier as there's always something to talk about.

Find somewhere to volunteer so you can build up the experience for your course.

You're doing amazingly well. Most people would have sunk under the weight of all these difficulties. Please keep posting or feel free to pm me if you ever just want a chat and a moan.

Sorry, hope this doesn't sound too bossy

Do something for yourself. Get your confidence up and live the life you deserve!
You're intelligent and have ambition. You don't need to allow your partner and mother to bring you down anymore.
If you are on jsa you can get free access to courses ;)

you've achieved so so much but you're not getting support that you need.

firstly your mum sounds VERY toxic. i'd change your amazon password right now. you can't afford to support her and she does have a job. you are her child but she is not entitled to use you as a punching bag.

i don't know if you can do this but you might be better off cutting contact with her.

i don't know enough about alcoholism to offer any advise. there are amazing people on here who could help there.

finally, you have to keep plugging away at finding that job. even if you apply for 100 all you need is one yes. it sounds like you're horribly depressed and your situation is pulling you down.

you do need rl support and i second the suggestion of trying to make more friends locally if possible.

good luck. you've done so much with your life already, don't stop at this hurdle. and it is just a temporary hurdle.

You have had good advice, I think.

So sending mostly hugs.

If you can't easily get a job, could you try and set your own business for example selling stuff online, or could you tutor?

Ultimately you'll have to distance yourself from your mum. As much as it goes against your good nature.
And possibly your partner, unless he takes measures to sort himself out.

I suspect you will find that you can develop a social life away from the influence of both.

Have a look at this.

bursaries

I'll reinforce what others said, you sound a lovely and intelligent man.

I have one piece of practical advice for you. It may seem a tiny thing but it's a statement of intent and the very first step to taking some control.

Change your amazon password. Don't laugh! I think it would be a start to standing up to your mother.

I don't know anything about services in devon sadly as I am in scotland, but good luck to you.

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughtful and heartfelt comments and advice. A great deal of what you suggest is stuff I have already thought about and investigated myself. It is helpful to have had these thoughts externalised though (made concrete if you like) as it can be very hard maintaining perspective and rationality in what is undoubtedly a very screwed-up situation. So thank you again for your insight and understanding, and I shall look again tomorrow (fairly shattered now) and try to take heart and find a way forward. Oh, and I will change my amazon password pronto (I recognise that not doing this makes me complicit in what is happening to me, and that needs to change). Night night all.

I had to post, you sound like an awesome person. I'd also like to add if your mother needs you to buy her things she give your her card or cash or she obviously doesn't need it.

keeping you short of money is another way of ensuring that you do not move away.

I hope you sleep well djwkin it will be easier to take positive steps when well rested. Keep talking to us. You will be in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck OP, you are articulate and intelligent. You have a great future ahead if you!

I'd add change your credit card no as well as change your amazon password and opt out of that scary 1-click thing that makes it so easy to buy! Also go on your council website and look up disability organisations and support groups - they'll be able to offer you help and possibly work experience. Best of luck...if you can brave mumsnet and its so-called nest of vipers, you can pretty much survive anything

Another vote for changing all your passwords and not giving in to emotional pressure to spend your money. Just say no, do not enter into a discussion. You will feel stressed at the time but the feelings will pass. Every time you stand up to your mother it will get a little bit easier.

I see you did a TEFL course as well as your degree. If you would like a complete change how about looking for jobs in Asia teaching English as a foreign language? There is a huge demand out here (I am in Singapore). Some jobs are advertised in the TES and some via the British Councils. There will be others advertised elsewhere too I am sure.

Or would a PGCE for a year then jobs in the UK or abroad be something you would be interested in?

Jobs as an expat come with travel allowances, health and rental allowances (but obviously look carefully at the terms and conditions). Moving continents would certainly get you a long way from the emotional pressure from your mother. She does sound dreadful and is not helping you at all. She should be ashamed of herself.

how are you Djwkin?

Sorry. I haven't checked my messages for a few days. I just posted this message to my university supervisor to see if he had any advice. I am trying to contact as many people as possible, as I really feel I need help to be able to get out of the hole I am in. Here it is:

Dear Pete,
How are you? It seems strange that it is over five years since I finally completed my degree at King's, and I really appreciate the extremely useful help that you gave me when I completed that final year.I hope all is well both in your life and at King's.
I am actually writing because I know that when Jonathan experienced some difficulties you kindly gave him some advice, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my own situation. I recognise that you are extremely busy, so please don't worry if you have no insights or ideas as to what I could do.
Essentially, I guess the best thing to do is give you a sense of what I have done and my life situation in the past five years. After I left King's, I went to Italy and took a CELTA course to allow me to do TEFL teaching. This went fine, but while I was there I developed a weird autoimmune disorder that meant my face and lips became hugely swollen. As I was stressed by this situation (and teaching teenagers at the time - which wasn't much fun with facial swelling) I then returned to England after 4 months both to seek medical treatment and because I felt poleaxed by the whole situation. The medical treatment for what was wrong with me - Melkerrson-Rosenthal Syndrome - was convoluted and long, but I am much better now.
After this, I basically got trapped in the same dynamics that had screwed me up in early adult life (hence my earlier problems at university). This involved being in a difficult relationship with someone with an alcohol problem and depression, and dealing with my mother, who is very dependent on me and wants me to support her psychologically and financially. I know I should never have gone back to this situation, and I knew it at the time, but I did. I then worked in TEFL jobs in my local area for 2 years, ibut these were temporary and seasonal, so I alternated between working and being on job seeker's allowance at the time. My psychological state had become so skewed that I felt anxious about seeking fulltime work as my mother's expectation was that I would stay at her house to look after her dogs, and when I did work I was expected to organise and fund care for them. My work was also fairly grim - doing TEFL courses with no resources apart from a whiteboard for a slightly sketchy company that provided courses for 11-18 year old French students. I did become the Senior Tutor for these courses, but it still involved working for only about a third of the year.
Two years into this, I decided that this couldn't continue, and applied for a job in a local art gallery and got it. This was only part-time(21 hours), and it was only a Front of House role, but I did get it. However, before I started, in December 2009 I broke my hip on ice, and was out of action for four months. I then did start the job (they had kindly kept it open for me) but it is low-paid administrative work, with no possibility for advancement. I am still doing this role now, and I am living between my mother's house and my partner's flat.
After a year at the art gallery (which I saw as meaning I at least had a period of sutained work I could put on my CV) I applied to do a PGCE, more out of desperation than a great desire bto teach. They must have recognised this, because I didn't get through the interview process (which I am not particularly sad about to be honest). As my social network and support systems were vanishingly small, in 2012 I then renewed contact with friends of mine in London, and tried to apply for jobs there. Unfortunately, being based in North Devon and with a limited CV, I couldn't get anywhere, receiving no interviews. I also looked at law conversions, but they are crazily expensive. I also waws not able to move lock, stock and barrel to London, as I had nowhere to stay and my financial situation was (and is) dire. I earn about 150 a week, and have found myself in the position of giving some to my mother and some to my partner.
Also, last December my mother broke her back (a stable fracture, and she should recover fully). I have had to be her main carer, and it is only in the last couple of weeks I have been able to leave her for a full day. Even when she could move independently, I had to do the shopping, clean, walk dogs, get medicines etc. This has obviously been pretty horrible, and I have also had to deal with my partner's breakdowns due to ATOS Healthcare work capability assessments etc. I had saved a couple of grand so if I did move to London, Bristol, Cambridge or another city, I would have a start up fund, but things like my mother's shopping, her cigarettes, clothes and vet bills have meant that this money has gone. I have asked for the money back (she is a teacher), but she feels hard done by life and refuses, essentially laughing in my face and saying 'You're the mug who spent the money...' etc. She constantly calls me incapable and says I will never amount to anything and the like, which is obviously an index of her own unhappiness.
I clearly see that it is key that I get out of this situation, and I guess that involves leaving my job and moving to a city. Given that I don't drive (need an adapted car and special lessons, but i'm not disabled enough to receive government help) there are certainly no jobs in my local area (area with lowest average wage in the country) that I can get. In a city, I would have many more options. However, I need work to make a move possible. I haven't got anywhere to stay, although I do have friends in London, Glasgow and Cambridge (Jonathan). I have looked at doing a social work MA, but you need relevant experience. Many low paid social care jobs are not within my physical capabilities, and in my local area the only relevant voluntary role I could find was working at a church-run foodbank, which probably isn't that applicable. In a city, even if I was doing low-paid admin work, I would have many opportunities to pursue voluntary roles, if I decided that that was what I wanted to do. I suppose one thing I'm asking is if you know of any jobs I could go for in Cambridge (or other cities)? Or if you can see another way forward for me? At the moment, any and all perspectives are welcome, as I don't see how I can leave my job and move, with no likelihood of finding another job. Also my confidence and self-worh (always tenuous) are basically shiot to pieces.
Anyway, I'm really sorry for this awfiul rant, and please feel no obligation to reply. I am just trying every avenue at the moment to move forward. Despite my shitty situation, most of the time I feel relatively sane (although obviously down and feeling under attack - for example, writing this email has been difficult with my mother hanging around to see what I'm doing and saying 'You're horrible' because I'm not engaging with her or paying her attention). My partner would certainly intellectually support me in making changes I think, so that is one less thing for me to worry about.
God, I really have splurged haven't I? Again, I hope all is good with you. It would be great to see you again sometime.
Take care.
Best Wishes
Dan
Was this a crazy thing to have done?

you sound like you're in a rut and unable to change the status quo.

really the impetus has to come from you. one little step at a time. sounds like you have very low self esteem even though you've achieved an extraordinary amount.

there have been some really good suggestions on here. have you thought about any of them?

do you think your relationship with your partner is abusive? are he and your mum dragging you down yet you feel responsible for them?

if you are able to talk about things on here there are some amazing people who can help you with insight. there's a thread for people dealing with abusive parents (stately homes thread). pop over on there.

talking things through on here can really help and give you insight.

but it's still just the net and you need rl support too. can you ask your gp for counselling?

It sounds suffocating, living with things as they are.

I think you need to get some distance from these two people who are expecting you to give so much of your energy to support them, and maybe some counselling, so you can make choices for your future without their needs clouding your decision making.

You will get lots of support here if you want it.

I am slightly concerned that, unless you are changing names and places, there is potentially identifying information in your posts.

I second SO. I t sounds like you are contemplating the possibility of change. Speaking on a personal note, after years of picking up the care of various ageing and unwell relatives, I have had to embark upon counselling as I was feeling so exhausted and resentful. Yes some of the caring was simply because there was no one else around and compassion plus worry about the consequences of these individuals not being looked after made me take on the role. But I also had to look at self esteem issues, family history and dynamics etc which has been very helpful. For the first time in my life maybe I am feeling like I have the right to think about what I want , and have every right to go out and try and get it.

Just thought I'd say thank you to everyone who commented on my situation. I'm moving to London in a wel to work for a homeless charity ( well, actually as a volunteer, but I get accommodation and food). So, I'm very excited and I am going to try my very best to use this opportunity to permanently escape what has been a very difficult situation. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your perceptive and insightful comments - having external views enabled me to be more objective and organised in seeking to change my life situation.

I do love an update! Well done OP. Have a brilliant time in London :)