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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unrequieted lust!

24 replies

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 14:47

Hi guys,
Recently separated....history of depression currently having counselling.
Lately I've become attracted to my counsellor! I don't know much about him but I would like to ask him out.
I know this weird lol
Is it ok or should I keep quiet?
Thanks xx

OP posts:

DreamingofSummer · 20/03/2013 14:52

I thought this was an absolute no no for both client and counsellor

allaflutter · 20/03/2013 14:53

it's very common, OP, and you have to be very careful not to fall into dependency!

switch to another counsellor, if I were you, I'd be honest with him. Then if he reciprocates he can ask you out when you are no longer a client, but don't expect it, he's used to clients fancying him, it's the closeness that causes it. When he finds out he'll be only too happy to send you to another counsellor, if he's a decent one. If there is someting there for him, he can initiate things after that.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 14:54

Yea, I wasn't sure if it was ok or not.
Would it be wise to see another counsellor I.e. a woman?
I'm just a bit gutted, if I had seen him in a bar I would totally have approached him!
If you stop seeing them as a,counsellor is it still a no no?

OP posts:

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 14:56

Thanks allaflutter x
I can't argue with what ur saying, particularly at the mo I would love a decent man in my life lol
Suppose its easy to fall for those guys.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2013 14:58

You can ask him out, but he may not reciprocate. Either way he will suggest that you need to get another counsellor and distance himself from you at a professional level.

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 14:59

Hello Odessa

Getting a crush/feelings of infatuation for a counsellor or therapist is very, very normal. Not weird! Any well-qualified counsellor will accept it as a possibility, from any client.

If you do feel like bringing it up with him, he will work through the feelings you're having within your sessions, with you. He won't embark on a relationship with you. He would run the risk of malpractice. Also it would be hugely exploitative and unprofessional if he crossed any boundaries.

The care and attention a client gets from a counsellor can feel so revelatory - there's no wonder crushes are so common!

If you do tell him, and he does respond in an unprofessional way, protect yourself. Think of how vulnerable you are within the power dynamic. Run a mile. It would be a huge red flag indicating that he was abusive.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 15:00

It seems as though its probably goin to lead nowhere then, am I right?
I would like to get to know him but like alla said he will probably get this all the time!
Looks like I'm signing up to match then ;)

OP posts:

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 15:03

Thank you Lemon x
I see exactly where you're coming from...
As I said I'm just bummed, in any other situation I would've approached him anyway-hes totally what I go for lol

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 15:21

Aw, shame Odessa!

Definitely crack on with a bit of Internet dating when you're ready. If you're only recently separated and beginning to look at your history of depression, it might be best to give yourself some time first, though.

In a way if you do bring up your attraction to your counsellor within the sessions it might lead on to really useful areas of exploration about wanting to cross boundaries, or the kind of man you want, why that might be, what attachment means to you, etc. Could be interesting.

But I must repeat, do run a mile and report him if he responds inappropriately.

ike1 · 20/03/2013 16:19

No this is a terrible idea Odessa mainly due to power imbalance in your relationship...it would be totally unprofessional of him to accept under the current citcs, and probably so afterwards aswell.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 17:46

Hi ike,
So even if I stopped seeing him as a counsellor I could NEVER be involved with him romantically?
That's not good :(

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 20/03/2013 18:16

From an ethical point of view any social or personal relationship with a current client is considered as malpractice.

That's not to say it doesn't happen.

The main ethical guidelines suggest a minimum of 2yrs no contact before even considering a basic none work friendship.

Tell your counsellor! He should be able to work with it for your own benefit. If he at all reciprocates run a mile and report him!

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 18:37

So does everyone think its a good idea if I tell him how I feel and work through it or is it best to ignore it?

OP posts:

maleview70 · 20/03/2013 18:48

How do you know he is single?

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 18:54

I don't! Ha ha :)
It sounds silly....I don't know he's single plus he could be the worlds biggest a@*& hole... It is a very physical attraction but like I said, he 'looks' ideal lol

OP posts:

Gingerandcocoa · 20/03/2013 19:36

If you don't tell him how you feel... could you really continue with the counselling? Would you be able to be completely honest with a guy you fancy??

CognitiveOverload · 20/03/2013 19:40

Tell him but expect to change counsellor.

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 19:43

This is so complicated :

I'm losing out either way, aren't I? Lol
I will bring it up and just say I think I'm lonely or something and feel a bit dependant on him. Hope he won't let me go as a client but prob be for the best in the long run.
Just seems so unfair!!!!! Arghhhh!!!!

OP posts:

Twattergy · 20/03/2013 20:08

The purpose of your therapy is to work through your issues so if your attraction to him is going to get in the way of that, then you should change counsellors. If you like his counselling style and believe he can genuinely help you, then tell him that you find him physically attractive and that you are not sure how best to deal with that. It would be a bad idea not to tell him as it's important information in terms of how you experience the sessions. I personally wouldn't like to have therapy with someone I fancied as I'd just be flirting rather than laying my soul bare!

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 20:11

Thanks twattergy, you're right.
It's just not fair!!!!
You're right though, it does distract you from discussing what you need to.

OP posts:

gazzalw · 20/03/2013 20:18

Isn't it some type of transference issue when you start developing feelings for a counsellor? It is part of the process. But he won't be able to reciprocate of course. You really need to work through it and you will...

Original poster

Odessa88 · 20/03/2013 20:21

I've read about transference and yea, some stuff says it is a natural part of therapy.
I'm just going to have to find a hot guy as a distraction ;)

OP posts:

BicBiro · 20/03/2013 20:48

definitely go the distance and work through these feelings with him. this is a vital piece of therapy you are engaged in, don't run away from it!!

maleview70 · 20/03/2013 22:31

Not all counsellors are professional either. I know of one who was quite happy to shag a client behind his wife's back when she showed interest in him. It's a dangerous game. Best to change counsellor!

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