Taking time out of relationships

[BicBiro]

Hi, I've just come out of a 2 year relationship and I want to give myself some time to get over this properly. Can anyone give me an idea how long I should swear myself off men in order to sort myself out? I know this is individual to every person, but I just wanted to see what your thoughts were.

Background is, I've never been single. I've been in one relationship after another since I was about 19. All have lasted around 2 years and often I've met the next one before ending with the previous one. So not 'officially' been unfaithful but almost like I have just transferred emotions from one to the other. I wouldnt say I have been happy in any of them really, although I have tried to convince myself otherwise at the time. Almost like any man would do, rather than making sure I would choose one who was right for me.

So in my 20's I didnt really think much of it and thought I would eventually 'meet the one' and everything would magically fall into place. Now I realise I have been doing it all wrong and looking for a man to complete me.

I'm 32 nearly 33 now, and it's really got me down that I did the same old thing with my relationship which has just ended. I KNEW it wasnt right, but I just let it happen and hoped it would be different this time. It wasnt.

This time I'm determined to stick it out, but I feel scared that it's going to take me flipping years to find myself, let alone a man, and my remaining fertile years will go with it.

So, can anyone give me any wise words?

No wise words, just a well done on deciding to do things differently

It really is the way forward. The fear you're feeling now about never finding anyone was obviously a big motivator in jumping from man to man without ever feeling really sure.

As long as you stay conscious of your feelings and self-aware, you'll know when the right time is to start looking for a new relationship.

If someone pops up in the next few months be very wary!

It will take as long as it takes, but I think you'd find it helpful to stop looking at it in terms of time frame and start looking at it in terms of what you'd like to achieve before giving yourself permission to start another relationship.

One of the best ways to meet the 'right' person is to be absolutely happy with the life you have as a single person. If you are not looking to someone else to fill a hole or make you happy, you don't give out the unconscious signals that attract the wrong sort of bloke. Instead you present an authentic you, improving your chances of meeting someone who will like you for the real you.

Do you have a good mix of friends who have remained constant throughout your relationships? Do you have your own interests/hobbies that you have continued to enjoy while in the relationships? If the answer is yes, then you're halfway there already.

Ask yourself why being in a relationship is so important. What is it about being single that scares you?

Um well no wise words as such, but I will tell you what I did years ago when I felt I had been doing similar.

First of all I wrote a 'wish list' of things I wanted to do, for myself, completely un-man related. For me the main one was training to do the job I wanted. I made a committment (in my head) to do those things and give them my 100% concentration before I allowed a man into my life.

Then I wrote another 'man wish' list - for the person I would eventually meet. I really went to town with this one - all the traits I wanted him to have and not have. Good, sensible grown up things like him being hard working with a decent job, and having a good, healthy relationship with his family members. And lots of no-gos for me like smoking, drinking a lot, trying to control me in any way, and liking football (ha!).

I also put lots of daft things that are equally important to me, like being over 6ft and being good in the sack and not having the (shit) local accent .

That honestly really helped me focus (and weed out 90% of men who came my way) on what I wanted and why was actually worth putting time into getting to know. And obviously it meant nobody lived up to my 'Mr Perfect' for quite a long time. Which was a good thing