I hate what I can see I am becoming...

[raenbow]

Mid divorce after 20 years marriage which was fairly amicable until I found out about OW who he had met on a business trip abroad when we were still trying to sort out our 'problems' ( well his problems mainly in that he wasn't happy).

Anyway 3 months on the divorce is underway ( and I suspect the papers all arriving this week has made it all seem worse) and I am doing OK new home/job/ great family and friends support. But I hate what I am becoming in that I am constantly thinking about it all , trawling it over, then trying to find ways to hurt him. My only topic of conversation these days seems to be about him and the crappy situation he has left me in. I try not to start but people keep asking and then I seem to find myself talking about it all ( mainly my closest friend/mum etc)

Also being purposefully difficult to him when I get the opportunity as I want him to feel like I do, his indifference has hurt me more than anything else. We are currently in a battle over mediation and the draft court order and it is winding both of us up. When he picks up the kids or phones I am wound up and anxious, when the kids talk about him etc etc....

I know that I am doing it and want to stop , wish he would just disappear and then I wouldn't have to give him headspace but the kids make this impossible. But it works for a while and I don't want to end up a bitter twisted divorcee and can't see any happiness in my life in the future.
Any advice or just a bit of handholding, or just a telling me to pull myself together much appreciated.

Divorce is a horrible thing and it's bound to be top of mind, especially if it's relatively recent (3 months is nothing) and not all that amicable. I think it's natural to be stressed, resentful, want to make life difficult for him and become obsessive. I'm sure, on some level, you've still not accepted it's finally over. You're lashing out because you feel everything is being done to you... you're not in control. However, there does come a point - and I think you might almost have reached it - where you realise it's finally over & that the only person all of this is hurting is yourself. It's having no impact on him.

So give yourself time to grieve. I'm sure friends and family are still happy to listen :) But make the most of any good days to move your life forward constructively.... you'll feel more in control.

Good morning raenbow, sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship. I understand both the anger, and the insight that holding onto the anger will make your own life harder.

Its so difficult that someone you feel so strongly about is so indifferent. He checked out of the relationship sometime ago, and you didn't so of course your anger and hurt is raw and you feel cheated that he doesn't seem to care. He may never feel as you do, or maybe he'll only realise what he's lost when its completely gone.

The best revenge you could possibly have is living a happy and fulfilling life without him. In order to do that, you will probably have to work through this anger rather than cling to it, but it is early days so I don't think the fact that your blood is still boiling about it is unusual or not understandable. Do you have people who you can talk to about your anger without feeling judged? It might be worth speaking to a counseller about what you're going through.

You might find writing down your feelings helps. I'm sure someone will be along in a minute (or has possibly already posted) who has been through something similar and can offer more practical support. I just wanted to say that its okay to feel angry right now, and you will have a positive future once the divorce is settled and you can get on with your new life.

I certainly wouldnt dream of telling you to pull yourself together <strong>raenbow</strong>. Your life, as you knew it, has turned upside down, and it sounds as if not everything is settled yet. Add the OW into the mix, and I doubt there is a woman alive who wouldnt be feeling a sense of rejection, regardless of any other reasons for the divorce.

Are you having any counselling? Family and friends are so very necessary in a situation like this, especially for practical help. At times, however, you can feel like you are in a soap opera, recounting every little thing that`s happening. To be able to talk one to one with someone totally impartial can be far more beneficial. To completely let down your guard, in a safe, confidential environment, is very powerful. Also, your level of self awareness already, in that you are recognising what you are becoming, is a great basis for discussion.

Just keep reminding yourself that its very early days, and you are going to grieve for twenty years of your life, for a very long time. Thats the healthy way to a better future. I wish you well.

Thank you everyone, your fantastic support has made me cry ( if you see someone sitting in Starbucks blabbing into their coffee, yup that's me)
I have been considering counselling for a while now and just keep putting

Sorry posted too soon.
Putting it off, not because I am ashamed of it just not sure I wanted to trawl over it with someone else. But maybe now is the time to take the bull by the horns so to speak.
I know it is early days and I 'think' I have accepted it is over . I know if he came back on his knees and begged me I would not take him back. But I still feel he has control over my life . I am also angry as I had to have some dealings with him and it all got heated due to his unreasonable and controlling attitude. I feel like I lost myself over the last few years and I just want happy me back. Thank you all xx

Hi raenbow, I have never been divorced but have come out of a 10 year relationship so understand a little bit. First and foremost be nice to yourself. 3 months is not a long time at all. It is SUCH a huge change in your life and it is bound to take longer than that to feel good again. Anyone would find this extremely hard and it sounds as if your ex is not an easy person by any means. I firmly believe you will come through this feeling so much stronger in the end. You now know what it is like to be with someone controlling and so you will be able to avoid that in the future.

I understand that feeling of losing yourself. I have recently recovered from a truly hideous virus that made me very ill for 15 months. I literally felt like I turned from a happy, optimistic, lively, fun person into a miserable, negative, self pitying whinger. Every time someone asked how I was I would say "awful, another awful week, I'm no better". It was so distressing and I thought people would get so tired of me. However, that was not the case at all. My friends and family were worried about me and were prepared to support me for as long as I took.

I am now almost back to normal and it is so wonderful. I know your situation is different but little by little you will recover your old self and the feeling will be so much sweeter because of what you have gone through. Thinking of you and sending massive hugs and virtual support!

You're doing really well, my divorce was 3 years ago, and I felt exactly the same. I was so angry, and never had the opportunity to vent at my exh. Counseling was very helpful, and definitely helped me. Also take some time for yourself, I found a new hobby.
A trivial top tip too, someone advised me to treat myself to some new underwear. Nothing raunchy, just nice, new, and feminine. It gave me a real boost.

3 years on, I'm happy, the children are settled, and I have a fantastic new partner. My ex? Older, fatter, still with ow, bitter and doesn't seem that happy to me.

Another here who thinks counselling saved my sanity after exP and I split.

Started off as relationship counselling and I carried on seeing the same counsellor for nearly six months afterwards.

At the time I think I felt ashamed of seeing someone, but now I am like a walking talking advert for counselling post relationship

It helped so much, plus I felt like I wasn't boring my friends and family too much. It helped me put everything in perspective and also helped me see that my life was not crap at all, just the relationship I had been in.

Try and and see how you feel after a session or two!

raenbow :( for how you are feeling.
I have also planned ways to make my abusive ex suffer - many of which featured a baseball bat
I also hate who I am becoming.
But
I have never acted on these impulses, and, over time, (three months is nothing) this is becoming an increasing comfort.
So, let it all out here - set up a dart board at home with ex as a target - fantasize all you like
But
make sure that your actual actions in the real world are all about you and building your life.
You may care more about putting him into A&E than having a weekend away now - but you won't always feel like this - promise.
And every investment in your life will bear fruit - unlike any investment - good or bad - in his