My Mum - Help!!

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

My parents are arriving in the morning. I need to figure out - quickly - how to support my darling mum, how to change my attitude towards her so that I don't see spending time with her and supporting her as a chore.

She needs / deserves a lot of support and TLC these days and I want to be the best daughter I can for her right now.

So, so much back story to this but basically my DF has been very ill (cancer) for the last 2 years. Right around the same time as he got ill, my mum was diagnosed as bi-polar and spent some awful weeks in a geriatric mental health unit. It was unfortunately as grim as it sounds. Since her discharge, she has been battling with this while nursing my DF around the clock. She does everything for him. She does everything around the house. She never takes a break, time for a coffee with a friend, go for a swim, nothing. He is in constant pain and on some very powerful pain meds, and unable to do very much for himself.

I want to give her a break while they are here. Go shopping together, out for dinner, to a movie, let her go off for the afternoon by herself if she wants - that sort of thing - some semblance of a normal life. Maybe look after DF while she plays with her grandkids.

Now here is the problem. She and I have always had a challenging relationship and I feel like I am acting out of a sense of obligation rather than really wanting to spend time with her. She is a remarkable woman in many ways but our history and some of her habits are hard for me to deal with. I love her dearly but she can be very challenging (don't ask DH about it unless you have all night to listen to a tirade!)

Basically I want to be as excited to spend time with her as I would say a dear friend, but thinking about shopping this weekend together, for example, it's feeling like it's more something to be endured than something to look forward to. I'll get exasperated, try to hide it, she'll notice, push my buttons and we'll end up arguing. I don't want to argue! She is going through enough!! The problem is that I revert to a teenager when I'm around her rather than the 40-something quite sensible person that I normally am.

How can I change this? How can I be properly grateful for her and for everything she is doing for DF? Or should I just accept that I find it onerous and difficult, suck it up and put on a loving daughter show and hope that no-one notices??? I really have worked myself into a bit of a state about it.

Thank you if you got through all of that.

Anyone?

I found role reversal helped me. You become the adult and think of your mother as the child i.e dont let her push your buttons, bite your lip, count to ten or leave the room. Keep reminding yourself everything that she has gone through and everything that she is still going through.

Dont over think it. I would say that she will be so relieved to have help and have the opportunity to relax that things might be very different to what you imagine.

I have been you and know how hard it can be. Best of luck and enjoy the time with your parents.

Thank you for that - a very good idea to try to see her as someone vulnerable, like a child.

I hope you're right and she is able to relax!

I have no daughter but if I had I would like one just like you.

Hi there
We have moved this thread to relationships for you

Cutting that is one of the loveliest things anyone has said to me for a very long time. Thank you

Oloeufia thank you - and love the Easter NC, brilliant!

good luck OP You sound lovely :)

Is it possible her illness was undiagnosed for a long time. Perhaps put the issues you have down to the bi polar, rather than her. That may help.

You do sound like a caring and compassionate woman, you will cope.

I don't have any advice as such - I used to be exactly like this with my mum. We had a really tricky relationship not helped by extreme exhaustion caused by my non-sleeping DS. And then she very suddenly died just after DS's birthday (she was only 64) and I would give anything for an afternoon shopping with her now and I am sure I could do it without getting twitchy/checking iPhone/wishing I was somewhere else.

It sounds from your first post that you do genuinely have a lot of warmth towards her - is it possible to not have any other pressures for a day? I always found I was thinking about something else - work/DS/ridiculous chore list when actually I should have just focussed on her for once. And I agree with pp to try and remind yourself of what she has been going through and why you are spending time with her etc. Good luck.

Nagoo - thank you

MammaTJ - you are absolutely right. She definitely suffered from undiagnosed depression while I was growing up and not to drip feed or anything, but I got my very own bipolar diagnosis in 2008... which actually helped me at the time when she was going through it but as you can imagine has made for some very stormy times between us over the years.

Cooper - I am so sorry for your loss. My mum is 68 and your post has really made me think and opened my eyes. We are all so focussed on losing my DF that I literally forget to cherish the time I have with her. That is a really good idea, to focus on giving her a special day out or special time with her GCs whom she adores.