The end of an emotional affair.

[ABigMess]

I know that I have been completely in the wrong and am not expecting any sympathy from anyone - I know that a lot of people will have been on the opposite end of this and been devastated.

I have just ended an emotional affair and wanted to know if anyone had any tips on surviving, staying strong and moving on. I have seen a number of similar posts in the past and was wondering how the OPs were feeling a few weeks/months on?
I am committed to rebuilding my marriage and addressing my propensity to bad decision making.
I have had some counselling in the run up to ending it and have been advised that making a clean break from this person will be like a loss with a grieving period, but I'm overwhelmed with sadness that this person won't ever be part of my life again, disgust at myself and confusion about the future.
I've decided not to tell my husband - I know that some people will disagree with me on this - there is no way of him finding out and I don't want to hurt him. if you've made a similar decision, how did you go about addressing the issues within your relationship that led to you feeling like there was a gap which you decided to fill with the affair?
Thank you in advance...

Good luck. Have never been in this situation, but I think you're right not to tell your husband as it will only hurt him and any chance you have of rebuilding a relationship. Perhaps you should continue with counselling to see why you decided to pursue a relationship outside your marriage and hopefully be able to make the right decision for your future,

Good luck. IMO you are doing the right thing not telling him. I expect this will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

OP I am someone who's ex had an emotional affair before he went on to have the affair which ended our marriage.

It's true that you will experience a grief reaction and it won't be easy. I think that perhaps the hardest thing for you will be the early days/weeks when you are trying to act 'normally' for your DP whilst you are going through the turmoil of having made a decision, which by it's very nature, will have been difficult to reach.

Unless you are supremely skilled in deception my guess is your DP is more likely to notice something is up now than during the EA and this may make redefining your boundaries harder because you're going to need to find a way of communicating with him, whilst not actually telling him what you're going through. I don't envy you that task.

As I see it your choice to keep this from your DP, whilst understandable, makes addressing the issues in your relationship harder - not impossible, but harder, and only you know how open you've each been about such things in the past. What's most often suggested here on MN is the couple go for therapy together, however this option doesn't seem so available to you as I can't see how you could work things through in couple's therapy without withholding important aspects of your past behaviour.

I think maybe continuing with counselling alone to explore how you have been feeling about your DP, the marriage, it's future. You say you are confused and for me, this is crucial for you to unpick. Confused about your feelings for your DP? Confused about how to secure your relationship against future threats of this kind? Do you trust yourself? Do you actually know what you want or are you unable to see that at the moment?

It's a courageous thing you've done, posting here. Good luck.

Hi everyone, thanks for your helpful comments. I'm feeling more positive today, but I'm guessing it comes in waves, and when I'm reminded of OM it will feel worse. I feel that I can be strong but don't 100% trust myself. I have ended the EA twice in the past and ended up going back - it's been worse each time and I think that's a powerful reason for me not to go back this time, and do everything I can to cut contact. I am confused about my future generally but know that I need to invest the time I've invested in the ea into sorting out my head and sorting out my marriage before I can come to any definitive conclusions.
Costa - I feel your pain too, and am sending you lots of love - you did a very brave thing. I hear what you say about keeping busy too!
Thanks all
Xxxx