Finally at the end of my tether with v.a and e.a husband. Where do i stand in getting out?

[Principality]

I won't bore you all with the details but basically I think this weekend has been the straw that snapped the camel's back with my husband. :(

We have been togethere can be controlling,sulking-for nearly 11 years and married almost 6. We have two ds. Our relationship is a bit the the girl with the curl... When its good its very good but when it is bad it is awful. Our relationship goes in cycles, usually based on how things are going for him. Over the past 6 months work has been hard for him but I am fed up with being his verbal punching bag. He silks and ignores for days on end, whilst denying anything is wrong. He ridiculed me. Sulks if u go out but yet encourages me to go, so I feel even worse. Recently he he has taken control of all our money. I feel as if I am constantly walking in egg shells. My eldest son is also aware of the atmosphere and tries to "avoid making daddy cross" and is aware "we need to give him time alone to relax or he gets too stressed"

Sorry phone playing up...

This has been happening on and off for years. I often feel as if he has no respect for me, doesn't value me or feel as if I am his equal. I have finally had enough.

I am seriously considering leaving but I have no idea where I stand in terms of money and housing etc.

He has a high powered stressful job in the city. I have always stayed at home with the children. I do not currently work. We rent our home out and currently live in a bigger home owned by his family whilst they travel overseas. Therefore I think I'm pretty screwed ib terms of having nowhere to go?

With regards to support and money what do I do? I have no savings. I have no control over our joint finances either.

I think I'm pretty stuck?

Sorry you're living with an abuser. Please give Womens Aid a call as they have quite a lot of practical advice for women in your situation. The cyclical nature, the controlling crap, the financial abuse (add 'f.a.' to your list...) is all pretty classic. Heartbreaking when you realise he's got your own children cowed & frightened into submission isn't it?

There are some practical things you can do. See a solicitor soon about your rights as a divorced wife. That is surprisingly empowering IME. Do you have your own bank account? Do you have friends/family with whom you could stay for a short time? Does he?

Anything's possible once you've crossed that mental bridge. Good luck

I haven't spoken to anyone about this until this weekend as I was so embarrassed by his behaviour and its reflection on me as well as him. I'm worried people will see it that I have an easy life and I should be more supportive when work is difficult for him.

I think my parents have a vague idea of what is going on from things that have slipped out.

I spoke to a mutual good friend at the weekend who was lovely, if somewhat shocked. He basically said if he can't change you need to leave as it is no good for the children, regardless if what I am willing to put up with. :(

I'm really afraid.

What are you afraid of? Him or your future as an independent woman?

"I'm worried people will see it that I have an easy life and I should be more supportive when work is difficult for him. "

BTW... this... There will always be some misogynistic throwbacks that think, to misquote Jane Austen, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife that should think herself very lucky, even if he's a nasty little shit. And quite often these people are women!!!

Do tell your parents the full story and get their support. Your mutual friend sounds like a diamond. You should have more self-respect than to live in a gilded cage, and certainly not when your children are tiptoeing around frightened

I'm not afraid of him. He can be verbally viscious but he has never been physical.

I am afraid of what will happen if I do leave. Everyday things, like housing and money, boys schools etc but also other people's opinions.

I am afraid that I will be screwed in any asset division.

Friend is wonderful. Known him as long as dh, we all went to school together Think I get a fairly unbiased opinion from him as he is a mutual friend and a good one to both of us.

Not quite sure of parents reaction... Think they will be good short term, but I am worried that I would have to go into emergency accommodation or similar...

I do have my own account. But normally he puts a set amount of money in it each month for expenses for the children, the pets, insurance etc and money for me. He hasn't done that this month so I am into my overdraft. I have about 150/200 left until I reach the limit.

Are w.a likely to think I'm wasting their time. He has not ever hit me, I very much doubt he would. With regard to solicitors, how expensive will that be? Would I just go to a "family law" firm?

WA will not think you are wasting their time. There are many, many other ways a woman can be the victim of domestic abuse that don't involve physical violence.

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation. They can be expensive .. it all depends on how much you can agree with your STBXH outside of solicitors and how cooperative he is. When I got divorced I charged half the expenses back to my exH. Do be aware that legal aid rules are changing in April.

Even if you are screwed on asset division, even if you get temporary accommodation for a while, you will have a place to live. Even if you don't have as much money as you do today, you will have money. Even if your boys don't go to the same school they will be educated. Other people's opinions are their business. As someone once said 'better to travel alone than be badly accompanied'

Him treating you like shit is NOT a reflection of you. No-one worth bothering with would think that. It's his abuse that makes you feel that way, but it's not true.his shittiness is a reflection on him and nothing else.

It's heartbreaking that your DS already knows he had to modify his behaviour to keep daddy sweet. It's even more heartbreaking hat the longer you stay, the more likely he is to grow up to be an abuser himself, as this is the only way he knows for a man to behave towards women.

Please call WA. They know all about ea. many people think ea is worse than violence. It's more insidious and destroys the personality, takes years to heal. Your children know what their dad is like so are suffering too, even though he doesn't directly abuse them.

Get a free half hour with a solicitor - WA will find you a good local one.

Thank you all.

I'm gathering the courage to call w.a.