Sorry, a long one...
My husband and I have been having some marriage problems for the last few months. We've been together for 7 years. I have been feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and have been feeling low and basically been taking it out on him.
We haven't had fun or a laugh in ages - I feel as though I've forgotten how. I've lost my sex drive, and desire. It's so sad as our relationship has always been so good and strong until the last few months.
We had an open and honest chat last night and he feels low in self esteem, that I don't want him, that I constantly beat him up emotionally, and there is no light in life with me. I feel as though there isn't a lot of life in life and basically need to give myself a proper kick up the butt as life is actually pretty good bar these recent problems.
He feels that I am constantly trying to change him and don't accept him as he is.
He has been married before, which didn't work out as she had an affair.
I have recently had my head turned by an attractive work colleague. Its only an imagining of a life outside what is currently going on in ours - a more exciting one. All in my head, of course, and not based on anything other than fantasy - and a symptom of what's been going wrong at home.
Husband has picked up on this crush, asked me about it, and is, of course devastated - he wants me to desire him, not someone else! I didn't talk about the crush with him as I didn't want to hurt his feelings, especially with what's been going on, and his past, and I feel it's something that has given me a wake up call to realise things are really amiss with me and hub.
I realise that I have basically totally neglected us. When we talked yesterday, it was the first time in several months I feel we connected emotionally. And I know that it's my fault. He's been trying to reconnect with me for a long while, and I just haven't been hearing him. He's very resentful of this.
I love him dearly. We have two small children, and he says if it weren't for them, he would have been out the door a long time ago, and I can't say I blame him, actually. I feel like such a bitch.
I'm doing work which is stressing me out at the moment so that's adding a pressure.
We have agreed to spend some time alone (can't remember the last time we did). He says he's scared to as all he sees me as is a miserable old witch who lays traps for him to walk into, neglects him, pushes him away and is grumpy with - and has been for far too long. I'm scared I'll see him as being set in his ways and grumpy (a side to 'him' that is largely down to my neglect).
He admits he's changed and isn't the same person he was when we married, nor would he want to be. I know I've also changed. He feels I try to change him by telling him he's a wonderfully creative person and should do something with it. I've only ever said it when he's been feeling low with his job, and to encourage him - I didn't realise that he felt resentful and that these comments made him feel that he wasn't good enough, or creative enough.
I have, to be honest, felt at times he hasn't 'got' me. He thinks I'm being snooty and stuck up when I say this. He says I'm selfish. I think he's probably right. I don't think I've been giving our relationship much of a chance of late in any way.
I feel as though I've been hiding my light from him, and am stuck in a negative cycle and am not sure how to get out of it. It truly spirals down and down and I know something needs to change if we are to survive, and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have done already. If I'm honest, I'm ashamed of the way I've behaved - and I've told him so. Doesn't make it better, though, does it, as the damage to a degree is done.
Does anyone have any hints on coming back from the brink and rebuilding a relationship?