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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just told me its over

34 replies

Georgebooboo · 19/03/2013 02:13

I'm panicking .. I've got a five month old little boy and I've just returned to work after maternity leave. Things we me and my husband haven't been right since I was pregnant. For some reason he just changed . Now he says we just don't gel and we make each other miserable. He wants out!! I'm so scared.. All I wanted was to be a family but seems like that isn't good enough for him. I don't know how I will manage on my own. I still love him and I'm scared I won't be able to manage alone and financially. Please hold my hand x

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 19/03/2013 02:34

Handholding here.

Congrats on your new baby. Sorry this has happened.

When you say things werent right what do you mean? He is an ass to walk out on his son like that. Very immature of him. Did you both plan the pg?

tallwivglasses · 19/03/2013 02:37

Here's a hand Georgebooboo. Breathe. Forget what's good enough for him. What the fuck's he playing at? You WILL be okay, you'll do it for your lovely baby. Where is he now?

Original poster
Georgebooboo · 19/03/2013 02:40

The pregnancy was planned we have been together five years however he has other children from a previous relationship so he was ok either way. When I was pregnant things just seemed different, he was distant and didn't seem to really bother or fuss me. Things have been the same since the little one was born. I seem to have lost my best friend. Some how don't think he likes the responsibility. When I love my little boy so much I just can't understand it. To top it off we recently brought a house and spent thousands renovating it. It's all in my name the house and the debt . I don't want to sell the house but I'm so worried that I won't be able to keep it and that I won't be able to give my little one what he deserves x

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgebooboo · 19/03/2013 02:42

He's on the setee asleep.. I'm upstairs, can't sleep , crying and not really sure how I'm going to get up for work tomorrow x

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 19/03/2013 02:57

Take a sicky. Chuck him out in the morning. Can you get in touch with any family/friends tomorrow?

Original poster
Georgebooboo · 19/03/2013 03:00

He's going in the morning, I just can't shake the panicky cant cope feeling...x

OP posts:
LucyLocketX · 19/03/2013 04:16

So sorry u are going through this. This happened to me. DP left when I was 6 months pregnant with our second DC, came back briefly for the birth and then left again when DS was 10 days old.
DS is now 3 months and we are working on things but still separated for now.
In our case I am convinced that DP is having a midlife crisis.

I would suggest reading up about this in case it's the same thing. Debt is a major trigger for this as well as other life changing events eg birth of a child.
Right now u need to focus on u. Get support from family and contact the CSA. He must help support u financially through this. Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/03/2013 08:27

God, not another bastard Sad

He has just dropped this huge devastating bombshell and slept like a baby. I bet he has someone else and that the affair is the reason why things haven't been good Sad

I would get real life support and have a look at this link x

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

AnyFucker · 19/03/2013 08:29

There will be another woman somewhere. So sorry x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2013 08:41

Agree with AF that 'we don't gel' is far too often a euphemism for 'I've got someone else'.

Do get some RL support from friends and family. You may not think you can cope but, speaking as someone who has been a lone parent since birth, it is far easier to manage when you are calling all the shots than if you have some miserable bastard ruining the experience.

Good luck

pictish · 19/03/2013 08:44

Sounds like he's got someone else on the go. I'm so sorry either way. xxxx

purplewithred · 19/03/2013 08:54

You will manage. Take a deep breath and focus on yourself and ds, do what you need to and nothing more, and pull in help from everyone who offers it. Asking for help is part of good management. Flowers and concentrate on you.

CATSNDOGS · 19/03/2013 09:03

i cant speak from personal experience but i do know how sad a situation like yours is as ive seen the effects in reality. it makes you question everything and draining on your emotions.

you need to stay strong and start thinking about being on your own as you can't change someone's mind.

you may never get the full truth from him.

right now he will be trying to maintain his public persona and reputation of being "not a bad guy" to work mates and friends.

whilst it is so hard, being over emotional in front of him will not change his position in the slightest. he is sleeping soundly, he has let go of the marriage otherwise he'd be in turmoil too.

you have to start thinking about your finances and get all the financial assistance you can from him and from benefits you are entitled to have.

you may think its too early for sorting out benefits/ legal things but even if there was a reconciliation, a divorce could be stopped depending on the stage its reached.

im sure others will give you great advice.

Original poster
Georgebooboo · 20/03/2013 19:49

Thank you all for your replies, I know something isn't right and I did think it could be another woman although it breaks my heart thinking about it. It's been two days and no contact to check if we are ok. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this when u can't just curl up and cry for a few weeks x

OP posts:
onenutshortofasnickers · 20/03/2013 20:28

Generally speaking I would be looking out for the OW.

If he can act like this you are better off without him, trust me.

You will cope and it will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, you aren't at the end.

You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve him and neither does your lo. you both deserve better- he deserves none of you time, focus or energy.

You will come out better for this. it will be okay in the end.

chocoreturns · 20/03/2013 20:36

When I was pg and my H left me for OW I got signed off sick from work. I explained to a sympathetic manager that I was experiencing a family trauma (you don't have to say what, but if you can, it's not that bad I found they were very supportive). I also had a note from my GP to support a medical absence (stress is reason enough to be signed off for a short while).

I managed to drag my ass out of bed to get my DS (then 16/17mo) off to nursery and once he was there I had at least half a day to fall apart get my shit organised, figure out what I was going to do and sob myself sick get some emotional release.

Please tell your friends, go see your doctor for a sick note for work. Shock and stress should cover you for at least 2-3 weeks, and in that time you may find you feel (not exactly better, but) as if you can cope a little more. You may also know more about WTAF is going on.

chocoreturns · 20/03/2013 20:38

PS you will be fine... today, just over a year later, my ex-stepFIL popped round and said his and exMIL are 'in awe' of how I am raising my boys. I never planned to have to do it, but you do, and you will, and you'll do it better than you ever could have done with a manchild to run after as well xx I'm happy to hand hold via PM too if you need any advice or a virtual hug

zippey · 20/03/2013 20:40

Congratulations on your new baby and Im sorry this is happening to you. I dont think it matters if there is another woman or not, whats done is done and you need to look after yourself and your new baby. You also say he has children from a previous relationship. Did he leave them in similar circumstances?

You could be right about a new addition making him feel uncomfortable. I would concentrate on you and the baby though and think about finances, him paying for support and getting support from your family and friends at this time.

LadyApricot · 20/03/2013 20:45

Good advice above. You WILL get through this and someone much nicer and worthy could be just around the corner! Stay positive about your future.

Original poster
Georgebooboo · 20/03/2013 21:12

Thankyou all for your kind messages, I am such a mess at the moment but I hope time will be a good healer. I know I shouldn't worry about taking time off work but I only went back off maternity a few days ago so don't feel able to take more time off. My mind is just playing tricks on me at the moment and I'm imagining horrible things going on with him and other people. Just don't understand how he could just walk out on me and my little boy .

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 21/03/2013 00:34

No point in trying to understand, it just screws you up. He's not the man you thought he was. Best you found out now rather than years later. Is there anyone sympathetic at work you can talk to? Maybe you could work from home for a bit?

Astelia · 21/03/2013 00:46

You poor thing, this sounds awful. As AF says (and she is usually right) it sounds like there is an OW in the picture.

I too would suggest trying to tell someone at work in confidence what is going on. Any right minded colleague will be devastated for you and you may well find a lot of support available.

It might feel embarrassing but surely it is better to get some sympathy and support at the moment?

DaydreamDolly · 21/03/2013 05:36

I'm so sorry. My exH left me for another woman when my youngest DC was 6 months old. Again, I think it was the responsibility of family life and the change in me since having DC that made him do this. Selfish bastards men can be sometimes.
Here to old your hand and support you. You will get through it but the next few weeks will be dark, I'm not going to lie. See your gp, have a break from work for a while until you cAn function again. Do practical things re finances and shock him that you're taking control.
Do get in touch if you need to. I am 6 months on and in such a happy place, most of the time!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/03/2013 08:23

I'd recommend you actually carry on with your normal routine best you can and don't take time off. Having to keep it together so that you can do your work, IME at least, gives you a bit of time off the misery and I think that's healthy to have a diversion. If you stay home sobbing and wallowing I think you'll feel worse rather than better.

He can't destroy you if you refuse to let him.

zippey · 21/03/2013 09:25

I would try and be as practical as possible and it might help keep your mind off things. I would try not to contact him either, and show him how strong you are. If he wants to contact you, he knows where you are.

Just don't understand how he could just walk out on me and my little boy - he has done it before with his previous relationship and children so he has form.

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