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Original poster

Exclusive or non-exclusive O.o

10 replies

LeslieWink1e · 18/03/2013 21:18

Do you have to clarify this in a new relationship now? Seriously?

I only ask because of the mner who met a 40 year old on line and after 18 months she discovered that during the whole of the first 6 months (which she'd thought were happy, a new romance) he'd been sleeping with other people because they weren't exclusive. That was news to her. I was thinking, we didn't have this bullshit when I was growing up, so this 40 year old is a chancer. he wouldn't have grown up with that. He wasn't American.

If you do up a profile on an Internet dating site, how do you communicate that you've no tolerance for being strung along, without sounding like you're jaded and have had bad experiences. (I haven't, I'm frightened just reading other people's!)

I've been single a long time now. I have an old lady praying for me! seriously, she told me I was lovely and that she is praying I meet a nice man! I would have rolled my eyes five years ago. But I said 'thank you Eileen' and I really meant it. Grin Maybe I'm safe. Eileen wouldn't allow the universe to throw a player in my path.

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 18/03/2013 23:44

I had exactly the same reaction when I read that thread. That was news to me too. I had heard somewhere that it was normal in the States for people to date a few people at the same time and for this to be acceptable until they'd had 'the talk', but I wasn't aware that was a custom that had moved over here.

If someone I was dating felt that was a normal way to behave then I would expect him to mention it - as in 'sorry I can't see you tomorrow night as I'm seeing Gemma/Sue/whoever', in which case fair enough. But to be seeing someone for six months and to find out much later he'd been dating other people and for people to say that 'if you hadn't had 'the talk' then what can you expect?' just seems odd to me. I must be getting old.

badinage · 19/03/2013 00:56

I think internet dating's changed the social conventions around this somewhat, because in the gimmer days unless someone had an obvious swathe of admirers or were openly non-monogamous, there was more of an assumption of exclusivity, wasn't there? People weren't so obvious about their intentions to want romance and sex from the people they met either, whereas on internet dating there's no subterfuge and people's intentions are pretty clear. So it's more possible now for an average joe to have a few people sexually interested in him at any one time and making their intentions clear. It's a reasonable question therefore to ask of a new lover whether he is (still) registered on any sites and is intending to see anyone else as well.

Not that any of this has got much to do with that other thread, in my opinion. I only just realised that there's an identical thread from the OP in AIBU with the additional vomit-worthy admission that the 40-year old liar had the cheek to tell her that she was 'naive to the ways of the world' Hmm

Social conventions might change, but it seems that lying and twattery never go out of fashion...

Original poster
LeslieWink1e · 19/03/2013 13:05

I know it might make me seem uptight, but when i do dip my toe in the water i will have to make it clear what I am presumig, and check that this IS mutual before proceding any further.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieWink1e · 19/03/2013 13:12

wow, he told her she was naive to the ways of the world,lovely. A friend of a friend, her xbf kept telling her how bourgeoise she was every time she pushed for commitment or objected to his infidelities. It's like, women can't have an agenda of their own (to want to be treated with respect). It's like since the internet it's naive to try and date to the beat of your OWN drum. So to speak.

anyway, badinage, glad you don't think it's an unreasonable thing to set straight. i have my own drum to march to.

OP posts:
Singlesupplement · 19/03/2013 13:17

sadly it is now the way.

if you are new to online dating you dont know its the way and usually find out pretty fast. Ive seen it happen time and time again. Usually the woman ending up upset about it as she presumed after a few dates, or even a few months of dating,that they were an item.

I think its to do with online dating, choices and option and people not wanting to commit, when susan lives nearer and kelly has bigger boobs. or something.

There is no way to protect yourself from it unfortunately either, you either come off looking like a bunny boiler OR they just stay away totally.

So -best way is to just do what you want, dont make assumption and, yeah. i dont know.

Original poster
LeslieWink1e · 19/03/2013 13:22

i haven't even started yet and i'm world weary reading other people's horrifying experiences!
i'm going to put ltr on the profile. And I will just learnfrom other people's experiences. I willhave to have an awkward conversation where I make it clear that i do not want casual sex with somebody who has a few other women on the go,and who might not be around a week from today. if that makes me seem like a bunny boiler, for having a bar, for having the NERVE to have a bar, than Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LeslieWink1e · 19/03/2013 13:22

i might not even get that far though!

OP posts:
Singlesupplement · 19/03/2013 14:02

word of warning, take what people write on profiles with a pinch of salt, its rarely based on fact. and most men wont read your profile, or take any notice of what you have written either.

mcmooncup · 19/03/2013 14:38

I date loads of people, none exclusively. Works for me right now and has for the last 2 years.

Some men have possibly wanted to 'have the talk', but I'm clear......I don't want a boyfriend.

I have dates who I've now known for 2 years but I've made no commitments to any of them. It's like my very own man menu.

DukeSilver · 19/03/2013 17:12

Ever since I have started dating (i'm mid 20's) it has been the way that a month or so into the relationship you have a conversation about whether you are a couple or not but internet dating has definitely made it more commonplace for people to date multiple partners at once, especially in the early days. It's not nice, but it does just seem to be the way it is now and as long as you are aware of the situation you can keep yourself a bit emotionally detached until you have had the talk.

I don't think it makes you uptight at all. You are just being honest about how you feel in the same way that people who are looking for no strings sex are normally quite honest about it.

My best piece of advice about internet dating is to not spend too long messaging someone before you meet up as it can be a total waste of time and energy. I messaged a guy for a month once, thought he was lovely and great. When I met him in person there was not even the tiniest spark. I was bored out my wits in 5 minutes and the whole thing was just very uncomfortable.

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