Are manipulatie people aware that they are being manipulative?

[nethunsreject]

Well, just as it says really. I have to work alongside someone who is superficially charming, but is pretty calculating and manipulative and much of the time is very selfish and self serving. What's the best way of dealing with the situation? I've never encountered anyone like this beofre (probably because I haven't worked in years but I am finding it difficult and it is keeping me awake.

manipulatiVe!

Yes and no.

You have the machiavellian arses who will manipulate people willfully as they know they can.

You then have people who've learned that behaviour, but probably wouldn't recognise that they were doing it.

Either type is a PITA to be honest.

Have you tried pointing it out to them? Choose one pertinent and recent example, talk in a completely calm, reasoned way and see how they react.

Thanks for the replies. Yeah total pita! I'm not sure about talking to her about it - I have a feeling I could end up coming out of it badly.

If it helps, I've used this tactic with out & out bullies & colleagues whom I've suspected may have ASD. It has worked to my advantage as the bullies are cowards and hate to be confronted. People on the autistic spectrum struggle to understand how their words and actions are perceived by others, so they can actually appreciate having it pointed out.

Ignore. Or ask them outright what they want, and say "are you trying to get me to do x? It would save a lot of time if you just say so"

It sounds odd, but I had a friend who used to try to manipulate people into looking after her children. So she would ring and say "what are you up to" in a just-interested tone, then when you replied with nothing much, she would pounce with a childcare request (and it was only ever because she didn't want to look after them).

So when she rang me and said "what are you up to?" I started replying with "I am relaxing after a hard morning with the kids, what are YOU up to?"

So I got to make it clear that I was not available without having to lie and say I was going out, or having to avoid her calls.

The best way to deal with selfish types I've found is simply not to do what they want. 'That's not convenient for me'... 'that's not possible'... 'I won't be doing that'.... 'that is your job, not mine'.... and, of course, always remember that 'no' is a complete sentence and can be used liberally.

For self-serving types... if you mean this person tries to claim credit for things they haven't done, shift blame, that kind of stuff?.... cover your arse. For example, put everything in writing, keep notes, CC things to management... it's not exactly a cuddly cosy way of co-working but, if she's the type that's likely to drop you in the shit, it's sensible self-preservation.

Many thanks for the top tips. Yeah I'm getting quite good at saying no. I'll start documenting things. Also fins it really hard to see her pull the wool over newcomers eyes

Are the newcomers colleagues as well? If so, remember that there is safety in numbers. Have a quiet word about Little Miss Superficially Charming over the water-cooler and give them the heads up. :)

Yeah colleagues too. But they are frequently taken in by her and I fear I might look like the bad guy if I start pointing stuff our?

Nah.... If you tread carefully and put out a few feelers, I bet you find they can't stand the silly cow. :)

Yeah, I suspect you might be right there!