Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

[Janeysbroken]

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

There is kindness here too, ike although I take on board what you are saying

However, nobody could treat this poor woman worse than has already been done by her h

OP is still here....like I said upthread,, it says an awful lot about her and more about the quality of advice she is getting, that she asked us for

Update. He works from home so I know theres been no contact.

She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'.

I just want her out of our lives.

Janey I know just how you are feeling right now and I will try to be gentle.

You have had some excellent advice on this thread, most of which I know you just dont want to hear, because your responses are still asking teh questions 'can we make things work?'

From experience, yes you can make it work. I did, I controlled my husband and told him what I wanted to happen, he went along with it like a little puppy and we managed to LIMP ALONG for another 6 years.

Then I WOKE UP and smelt the coffee and I left him. Not just because of the affairs (several, even though he only admitted to one - sorry OP) but because I realised that I was worth much much more than being with someone who didnt actually love me.

I started to look after myself, I mean REALLY look after myself, I went to the gym, lost weight and I feel better than I ever have in years, without blowing my own trumpet, men WANT me, I can CHOOSE now, rather than just waiting for crumbs from someone who I adored.

I am single and have been for 2 years and I have never been happier, my children are happy too, because I am happy and SO IS MY EX. We were not meant to be together, he is not a bad man, but he should have admitted years ago that he didnt really love me!

Please please think this through, and consider this:

1. THe OW is a person, possibly carrying a child, your H's child. This unborn baby does not deserve to be 'punished' remember when you were carrying your own children? imagine someone making you feel forced to abort either of them?

1. Yes, you have been wronged, but you are directing your anger at the wrong person - i.e. the OW - you need to realise that your H has done this

1. Please try and stop forcing him to do what you want him to, If he really wants to make it work with you, he will do all those things anyway, all that will happen if you force things will be that there will be resentment all around.

1. I am not going to go in the camp of calling your H all the names under the sun, it took me a long time, but I eventually realised that my H had his reasons for doing what he did and whilst this is not a great way for him to go about things, this could have been a 'cry for help' about his unhappy life. This could be a wake up call for everyone concerned and enable you all to move on to a better place. After all you only live once.

1. Your 'children' are not babies, they are adults. Hating their Father is not going to help anyone at all, now or in the future and you really need to find the strength to talk to them about this (or perhaps someone else in RL could?) their Father did not set out to hurt them, he did not cheat on them, he cheated on YOU, your relationship with him and theirs with him should be completely separate and you and your H should take steps to build this back up as it really is not healthy for children to have such venim for him because of this.

I wish you happiness OP because its going to be a long difficult road, but please think about this, you cannot control how other people feel, you can control their actions for so long but it wont bring you what you want because eventually you will see that its not real. Im sorry.

Janey, Janey! You are in denial and I think you know this. There will come a point when you are angry though. There will.

Your husband has behaved terribly. He has shown he cares not for the OW, not for you and the OW's DH has shown you more compassion through his reaction to the hysterectomy situation that your own husband.

Tell your daughter. See if her reaction sparks off your anger.

Speak to your son.

They will help you after the operation, and they will be your allies.

Let the man you have married - the selfish, rude, disrespectful, uncaring bastard - fend for himself.

He will only despise your neediness. Look at the way he has treated you so far.

As other posters with experience have said, take it a moment at a time. But, please, let him leave while you find some sense of equilibrium...

and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'.

she is right

I hope you find yourself very soon. Your husband is turning you into the kind of person I don't think you ever wanted to be.

'She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'. '

Im sorry but I agree with her Janey.

He needs to grow some balls and speak to her about this, and you need to step back, be the bigger person and let them discuss it. I know it hurts, but terminating a child is not just a 2 second decision for this woman and she should not have to do it alone. Your H made this child as well and he needs to take some responsibility for it.

I just want him out of our lives

Janey, what if she disappeared off the planet, with her baby, and her husband, too? Would that erase all that your husband has done?

Please look after yourself, don't rush or be rushed. If he does care for you, he will consider going elsewhere while you regroup. Do you think some headspace might help you to process this?

Oops, Freudian slip: I should have written 'I just want her out of our lives'

But I think it would be great if you'd said 'him'.

It is harsh to not let them talk about this unborn child, though...

Well, (and this is not a criticism of you OP) it is abhorrent. He made this baby with her, she didn't do it to herself! I think he would redeem himself slightly if he supported her through what will be a horrendously painful experience for her. But he is a spineless coward who is effectively hiding behind your skirts and just hoping she'll shut up and go away. He has treated you both appallingly.

I know you think that if she disppears then everything will go back to 'normal'. But it won't, it just can't.

And listen, panic attacks will NOT kill you. They are scary and awful but utterly harmless. It's just your body trying to keep itself safe by going into fight/flight response. Breathing out for longer than you breathe in will make them go away quicker but they absolutely will not do you any harm whatsoever.

Even if you do succeed in getting her out of your lives, it just creates a gap that your husband will fill with another woman pretty soon. You can't control him, even if he works from home you can't possibly track his every thought and communication. And why why would you want to?? Why would you want to be a relationship with someone you have to control to be with you? Who has to be policed to stop them shagging someone else?

I'm so so sorry janey, it's shit, and incredibly hard to take in. But he checked out of your marriage years ago.

I might not be the right person to suggest this as I have a hatred of all OWs and cheating hubands. I would let the OW go through the abortion alone and then kick the idiot H out. Punish both. But then I am totally unempathetic to both of them. My concerns are for the OP only and I totally understand the place she is in at the moment.

Janey said he also works away from home. I assume the "working from home" is a temporary measure just now.

How will you keep him under lock and key when he goes back to a usual working pattern ?

Janey, lovely lady, do try to find the strength to move exH out...I understand you might not be able to do that now but certainly try to let your mind and emotions catch up with reality and the facts that are being presented here.

I think his treatment of the OW is unforgiveable personally.

My post was not intended to make OP feel bad about herself, quite the reverse. I am furious FOR her. I think she will start to feel better when she finds her sense of self and gets angry with this dickhead on her own behalf.

This idiot has the knack of making other people feel like victims. The idea of wome fighting over him makes my stomach turn. God help whoever "wins".

Op I'm going to ask you to look at this from a different perspective. To a degree there are similarities between your situation and my mum's - well except the other husband locked my dad and ow in the bedroom then called my mum over to 'discuss' it!
Anyway she also thought it would be 'impossible', that she could 'control him' and it 'would be fine' .

It wasn't frankly for either of them. She couldnt deal with the distrust, or get over what happened - like a scab she had to pick. He couldn't cope with the control and resented it (yes I know poor him - but come what may he's my dad)

It all broke down, more grief, more heartache.

Please give yourself time away from him to take stock. Even if right now its 'impossible' some space may make you realize what is 'possible'. Your kids will help - tell them both - they are adults and can make their own minds up again over time.

My heart goes out to you and your family but you need to realize your current reaction as visceral as it is, is only short term. You need to have space to work out your long term.

Such an awful thread. So much pain and misdirected anger.

In the aftermath of an affair, I was advised that actions speak louder than words.

Your H's actions at the moment tell us everything we need to know about whether you both can make it work...and its not looking good

You need to back off and let him take full responsibility - do not dictate to him about what he can or can't do.

You cannot control his thoughts or emotions.

Getting rid of her will NOT solve things - there are other women.

Oh OWs make me sick...just as cheaing Husbands do...I'd hang em both out to dry personally...couldnt give a shit about either of their feelings. I am glad she is being treated despicably by him. I would rather Janey was out of it though and in a safer calmer place with her kids as deXavia suggests

Janey, I can see you are hurting, and I am so sorry, for this is truly horrid.
I have been on MN for over 8 years, and never have I seen a man behave more despicably than your husband is treating you, and her.

And in the middle of all this hurt and anguish, it is also the first time I see a wife ready to cling so badly to her scum of a husband, not willing to let him go.

You must hurt so badly. He has shat all over the marriage, all over you family, all over your feelings, and her feelings, and you are mopping up the shit for him.

Now that he knows just how much shit his wife will put up with from him, how long do you think it will take him to find a new young woman to woo and knock up?

How many women do you think he will destroy because you shield him from the consequences of his actions?

You need to get really angry with him for what he has done. You need to kick him out.

He has nowhere to go? He should have thought of that before declaring his undying love for another woman in front of you. He should have tried to mend his marriage if he was so bored. He should have tried to connect with you instead of looking for romance elsewhere. This is not your fault. It is his fault.

You cannot hold him from her by refusing to let go. Let him go. So what if he goes to her? Let him free so he can show his true colours!

The only thing keeping him at home is the fact that it is easy. He does not have to win you back, he does not have to prove anything.

Kick him out and see if he wants to fight to get you back!

If he does not, he wont be worth keeping. You cant trap him, like a butterfly in a box. That is not going to make him love you, or realize just how badly he has fucked up!

She texted this morning to say abortion is arranged for Thursday. She says she's having to go on her own, her husband is looking after their son, and the fact he has refused to even speak to her and I won't let him is 'abhorrent'. - I totally agree with her, it is abhorrent. I understand why you don't want him to talk to her, but it is still wrong. It is not just her responsibility, he created this pregnancy too, willingly.

I just want her out of our lives. - he let her in to your lives. It is his responsibility to remove her from your lives, if he so chooses to. It shouldn't be yours to lock him in a guilded cage. No good can come of that.

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself, to explore your feelings on this? And after that, some counselling for both of you, if you really want to stay together. You both need to understand the weaknesses in your marriage, and what led him to take himself off and have an affair rather than try to mend the problems he felt your relationship has. You can't just simply blame everything that has happened on her and expect to move forward successfully. He has to want to and to be committed to the long and painful task of creating a new and good marriage for you both. Up to now, I don't think he has shown anything like that committment. He has just tried to pretend it didn't happen, whistled under his breath and hoped the bad, pregnant lady goes away.

hoping to be happy, your post was very inspiring. Janey, how did hopingtobehappy's post read to you?

ike1 - In several months/years when Janey has come out of the anger and moved on, I fear that she will not forgive herself for the treatment of the OW with regards to the abortion. That is just one of the reasons that I think that she whould be 'the bigger person' here. For herself as well as others.

The OW is being punished enough, she doesnt need any more.

ike1 I find your comments about the OW scarily vindictive. Nobody deserves to go through an abortion alone like that.

It's OP's DH who has betrayed her. Nobody else. Taking pleasure in the misery of another woman he has abused is NOT going to help.

Thank you CATSNDOGS :-) I wish someone had told me all that years ago and I hope it helps the OP

Well I knew someone would point that out Hoping...and yes of course that is potentially so...but speaking from my own experience...nearly 4 years down the line...that is unlikely. But worth pointing out Hoping.

Janey - we all understand how you feel. Some of the advice on here is harsh, but only because people do know what you are going through.

Please stick with this thread, you will need the support.

You are in a deep state of shock at the moment, so you are not thinking correctly.

You are obviously unwell too. Have the operation, think about what is really important in your life and how you want your future to be. Think about how you can achieve that future. Think about the person you are and the person you want to be.