Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

[Janeysbroken]

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

AF - I don't mind a "I told you so" like that

janey - sadly your H has led OW up the garden path. told her all these wonderful things, then when push came to shove, chucked her and begs to save his marriage.
I dont have much sympathy for anyone who is OW, but as I said before, he has treated her appallingly too.

You are both better off without him

OP, there is a lot of blaming the OW here and I'm not saying that she shouldn't shoulder her share of the blame but what about your H? Is he also responsible for his actions?

He wasn't bewitched by some temptress, he sought this person out and embarked on this relationship.

They've got a lot of mutual friends through an online music forum. She goes to social things with these people a lot. They've actually 'known' each other through this forum for about six years.

I've made him delete his membership of the forum and his FB account. So he now has no contact with any of them and mutual friends either.

I know he has to take responsibility. It's just from reading her posts on this forum and seeing her, it's obvious that she's someone men love. Clever and funny and unconventional. I don't think he was seeking out women. Or it could have been anyone, if that makes sense.

He's trying to be normal now.

Janey, how are you going to keep him under lock and key indefinitely ?

Mark my words, Janey, in a few days he will be telling you that it's time you were "over it" and that you have to "move on".

You will drive yourself mad trying to nanny him and police his movements

It's a terrible way to live, and he will leave you in the end

No he doesn't love her. Any bloke who can treat a woman and her unborn child that crappily can't love her.

But he doesn't love you either.

The difference between you and the OW is that she knows that - and you don't want to know it.

Imagine this was your daughter. She got pregnant by a man who told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. Then he changed his mind, refused any contact with her and told her to get an abortion.

What would you think of that man?

Janey, it doesn't matter a jot that he doesn't love the OW. Nor does it mean a thing when he says he loves you. He told her that, remember and it was a lie. Just as he's lying to you in order to save his own skin, not yours.

He hates her for not going quietly and just accepting his shitty treatment of her. Why should she? He knew he was risking a pregnancy when he had unprotected sex with her. He has no bloody right to tell her what to do with her own body. They both knew the risks. Her husband has very wisely dumped her so she's got nothing to lose here, apart from the child he conceives and wants to dump along with her. She would have to be mad to want him back now and he knows it. He's burnt his boats with her now and so it's convenient for him to say he really loves you.

He does not. He loves himself.

Love your self. You're loveable, you've raised great kids and a son who's had an instinctively correct reaction to what his father has done. Take pride in him and you for that.

This will take a while, but as I was saying on another thread today, never separate what someone is like as a man from how he is as a partner.

A bad man is a bad man. A bad man saying he loves you cannot be trusted.

You've made him give up this woman, you've made him delete his account, you've made him put you first etc. But it looks as though he hasn't done ANY of this of his OWN volition.

He's doing this because a gun is being held to his head as opposed to out of love for you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you OP, not like this. This isn't love.

God. This was me 3.5 years ago. Hard to honestly remember the feelings of despair, hatred, hurt. But when I read someone's story like yours it does take me back to those dark, dark days. Time IS a healer. But, I can't begin to imagine how you're dealing with the OW being pregnant (are you 100% sure?).

There are a number of things to consider

• your DH figuratively walked out on your marriage just after he started his affair
• the OW is only to blame in some small way; SHE wasn't married to you
• he does still love her, is in lust with her (whatever feelings he has) - he's just having to shut them off since he's been found out
• talking to her (and her poor DH) will do you no good whatsoever, have NO further contact, no matter how you may need/want to, to apportion blame, castigate her, yell at her
• YOU and your two children are the ones that matter now
• seek legal advice, you will need it down the line
• only a special person can prove joe they've made a mistake. Your DH has not, he's just got a dose of the guilts and realises he's blown it with her
• be there for your son and daughter

I am so desperately sorry your world has come crashing down. It's the worst kind of betrayal.

I had been married 19 years, together for 22 years. I believed him he told me it was all over and he loved me and we couldn't just throw away 22 years together. And so I took him back. And it very nearly killed me when I discovered they were still at it three months later.

I'm divorced now and have a good life. Even met a lovely man so I have to best of both worlds - my fierce new found independence and great guy most weekends. And I wasn't looking for anyone!

I have a 20yo daughter / it took her 2 years to want to have anything to do with her father. That's the price he's had to pay.

Needless to say as soon as I'd chucked the little twat out the second time, he went running to his mistress. She advised him that he was just a bit of fun, loved all the attention (and money he spent) on her, but she'd never had any intention of ever leaving her partner.

Two weeks after we split and the mistress ditched him, he was with his sisters best friend. Still is - they make each other quite unhappy.

Karma.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet in those dark days.

Here's a hug - we all need them, but you especially at the moment.

We're all here to listen and help where we can.

Janey, the opposite of love isn't hate it is indifference. If he's saying he now 'hates' her then he still has very, very strong feelings for her, regardless of what he is saying. He was/is in love with her and she is now expecting his child. He doesn't love you and his relationship with your two children is now damaged, he will choose her and their child and a new start in the very near future but in the meantime he will string you along until he is ready.

You say yourself that she is younger, prettier and better educated than you - I don't actually believe this and I hate that you are putting yourself down in this way but I am taking your word for it here - if she is all those things, bearing in mind that he doesn't love you, then why on earth would he stay with you? It would make no sense.

Whatever else you do, stop with the threats about killing yourself etc, you don't want a man to be with you because he's too guilty to leave, you really don't. You want a man to be with you because he loves and adores you above anyone else and that it would kill him to leave you.

This man is not the man for you, he is a knob of the highest order and you are lucky to have discovered it while you still have plenty of time to build a happy life with someone else. Kick him out, study so that you can get a job you enjoy, learn to drive. You will never look back. Alternatively, stay with the man who doesn't love you and treated you like shit, who can't even get his snoring sorted out so you can sleep in the same room (my DH is a terrible snorer, when we found ourselves sleeping in separate rooms he went to the doctors and sorted it out). In time he will leave you but only after he has wholly destroyed your self-esteem.

You are strong, take control of your life and tell him to fuck off, you will feel better for it, believe me.

I think you should stop trying to put all the blame on the OW for trying to contact him - that does not make your H a model of restraint and virtue. Your H is just as much at fault, even more so for treating her so callously particularly with the pregnancy. If, g-d forbid, my partner ever got someone in that situation I'd think even less of him if he abandoned her and told her to murder their child. If you believe all these things about her being better looking and educated, there is nothing stopping him from doing it with the next woman he meets with all those qualities and who reciprocates the feelings. And you will have a track record of taking him back. He will feel entitled.

You should tell him that he may well think you are a boring twat but that doesn't make you his f--king doormat. He doesn't deserve you.

I wish I'd had MN then too - by god I would have done things differently and saved myself one shed load of grief, it's so sad though that you know what someone is going through - but so rarely can prevent them from putting themselves through the same shit as you went through :( However, I didn't listen to anyone else either, I thought that he was different/special, that we were different/special, that all the years had to count for something... that he loved me because he did xyz that I'd told him to do... I want the OP to be able to learn from our mistakes - but I have a feeling she wont, she will do what we did and have to learn for herself :(

We will be here, no matter what you decide to do x

I don't want to repeat all the things that have been said - so the one thing that stands out to me is that you say he wont do it to his kids - he already has and you shouldn't feel he's not cheating on YOU because of your KIDS. Value YOURSELF.

CleopatrasAsp is right. There's a fine line between love and hate and indifference isn't happening here. He hates her too much not to care.

He's only trying to stay with you because she told him where to go when he behaved terribly to her, to try and keep you sweet.

Please, please, send him off for a few days. Stop controlling everything he does. He should be making the effort, not you.

The read the wise words on here over and over.

The marriage is gone. Irreparably. If not her, there will be someone else. His behaviour since you found out is nothing more than knee jerk reaction to being caught. He checked out long ago.

Please stop worrying about him and the OW. Mind yourself....

Mimi - and told her to murder their child there is no need for that - this is NOT a debate on abortion.

"all the years had to count for something"-this has to be one of the saddest and useless phrases on MN

until a selfish, self-centred, deceitful person decides that actually they count for fuck all

but still the deceived think that they do, that they must or what's it all been for ?

only to themselves, do they count

they count to make you tolerate the intolerable

to make you forgive the unforgiveable

to throw good money after bad

to carry on with that misguided notion that if you just carry on, all the accumulated years of your effort and sheer wanting it to work out, will make it so

it won't

OK, he says he loves you but fucks another woman and leaves her pregnant.
He says he loves the OW but dumps her and tells her to abort his child to save his own skin.
I really have no idea why you still want him.

Chipping: Sorry, that came out wrong. It sounded like OW did not want an abortion and OP said she was struggling with the guilt of that to the point of being suicidal, so I assumed that OW personally felt that it is murder and he just brushed it off and told her to get one anyway. Which makes him an absolute prick.

Mimi - there is no doubt he's an absolute prick :(

What would you advise your son to do, OP, if one day in the future he sleeps with someone he doesn't really love and she accidentally falls pregnant?

Would you stand by while he dumps her and their unborn child by text?

What excuse will you give your son as to why it was OK for his father to do it? And why you stood by him?

He only loves himself, that's for sure. I feel very bad for you, OP, but tbh I also - unusually for me - feel sorry for the OW here, not to mention her poor husband who swallowed his pride to ring the man she'd had an affair with and ask that man to speak to her because his wife was so distressed. Three adults and several children here are hurting badly - meanwhile, the OP's husband gets to have it all the way he wants it, no matter how many times he changes his mind. Selfish bastard. Remember, this won't be the end of it.

And, sorry to say this OP, but given what you have now posted about his years spent working away from home, plus separate rooms, I would bet this is not the first time he has cheated. I don't wish to add to your pain but you may as well face it all now. It's bad enough already.

Just because the OW has all the personality and physical traits you wish you had (sorry, but I do see low self esteem in your posts. I have been a cleaner too, what the fuck is wrong with that?!) doesnt mean it is her fault.

She could have walked up to your husband stark naked and got his cock out, but that doesnt mean he had to fuck her. He chose to.

Whatever she is or isnt, he CHOSE to cheat on you. He CHOSE to act in a way that he knew would hurt you. He CHOSE to put a fuck above 24 years with you.

He CHOSE to do all of this. Forget her, this is about what your husband deliberately did to you. He didnt love you enough to stay faithful, he didnt care enough about your marriage to keep it sacred, he didnt love his children enough to keep their family together. And when push came to shove, he didnt even care about his shag enough to support her when she announced she was pregnant with his child.

This is a nasty selfish man who has cheated before, YES HE HAS. I know you want to believe he hasnt, but believe me, he has.

What you choose to do now is up to you, but please do bear in mind that if you stay with no consequences apart from you being grateful he chose you then he will do it again, and again and again.

Yes I agree with everyone else.

You see his swift and brutal rejection of OW as evidence that deep down he prefers you.

We all see it as further evidence that he is a total bastard.

I take the way people treat other people as indicative of how they are likely to treat me. He can dispose of her without a backward glance. He can do the same to you. And he will. It just doesn't suit him to do it yet.

The power balance in this marriage has been off kilter for a long time op. you are dependent on him financially, practically and emotionally. That would be ok if you were married to someone kind, someone who valued your contribution. But you aren't.

If you don't respect yourself no one else will, including your DC - and this is coming from a man. So please stop talking about ending of life and look at starting a new life, you deserve better.

Janey - I am so, so sorry for you at the moment, what an awful situation.

You need to stop asking whether he loves the OW or not. That is irrelevant. What you should be asking is whether he loves you. I don't believe anyone could love another person and treat them the way he has treated you.

If you believe he is genuinely sorry (though I strongly doubt it, from what you've said) then you need to decide if you can stay with someone who has betrayed you, lied to you and openly scorned and denigrated you. Only you can make that choice. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you hold all the cards at the moment. You can choose what happens next. But I agree with all the others telling you to give yourself some time apart to make a more level headed choice.

And FWIW, he's the one who's a boring twat for doing the same stupid thing as so many faithless bastards before him, then trotting out the same tired old bullshit to try to get out of it.

It's heartbreaking to see your pain Janey.

No matter how much you want your life to go back to the way it was, your husband has damaged things so irreparably that it would be virtually impossible even if he wanted you, and wanted to make it work.

But he doesn't want to make it work.

He's using you , your home , your family to buy himself time while he lines his soldiers up. He needs to smooth things over at work, he wants OW to end her inconvenient (for him) pregnancy, he wants to run the show. He is telling you what you want to hear so that he can do all this from the comfort of home rather than some Travelodge, until he's sure that OW has done as he's ordered her to , and then their path will be clear to get back together. He wants OW, he doesn't want an inconvenient , expensive, fun-spoiling baby in the picture.

Bottom line - you can never ever believe a word this man says.

Stop aiming your hatred at the OW, aim it at your husband.

I doubt he does hate her, what he's doing is panicking, he's been found out. And 'to give him credit' he asked her to have an abortion. Seriously? That's vile.

Start laying the blame with your H, he should take responsibly for his actions. You forcing him to delete his FB etc isn't doing that. Do you really want him after all this? Do you really think things can go back to normal? You said you've spent years in separate rooms, what are you hanging on to?

He certainly isn't a prize worth having.