Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

[Janeysbroken]

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

Well if I was pregnant by someone who told me the day before that I was the love of his life, his soulmate etc I would expect him to talk to me if I told him I was pregnant.

You do know that he is using you to protect himself from her. Of course he could (and should) talk to her .

I hat to be down on you, because I'm sure you are very upset, but really this isn't her fault alone, it is equally your husband's and it doesn't sound as though he is taking any responsibility at all - or that you are expecting him to.

So sorry

Why do they have to say such cruel things about their wives? Unless you were an abusive heartless bitch who had treated him like dirt for years, why would he say that? Answer? Because he wanted to please her and show her she meant more to him than she did. And because he wanted to convince himself you deserved the cheating.

Whether you can forgive or forget is up to you but I'd struggle with such a massive betrayal.

So sorry x

Sorry to be harsh but OW doesn't need OP's H around her. They both fucked up and betrayed their respective spouses. Fixing that if at all possible is no 1 priority. And she needs to fucking grow up and stop acting like a drama queen - slashing her wrists FFS!

You're none of you coming out well in this.

I have just read your post. Today, will be the worst day of your life. From then you can move upwards. Sit your son and daughter down and tell them that you are struggling with the news that their father has had an affair. Do not tell them anymore for now, just leave it at that. Then ring the OW and tell her that in a couple of weeks you will meet up with her and talk to her about the (possible) pregnancy. It could be that the OW is devastated so is making this up, or it could be that she is pregnant. Next, you deal with your husband. You tell him to leave and you tell him that you need a couple of weeks to try and understand all the hurt he has put you through. You ignore the calls from the OW, her husband and your husband.

You then take time for you.

You need to cut ties for a couple of weeks to get your head straight. Otherwise, you may well be in danger of causing harm to yourself or others.

Please take this advice. You need to do this as a first step. No shouting, no swearing, no threatening, no crying to your husband.

You will feel better, that I can promise.

x

Oh Orm thank you...someone who is happy to express and back up the emotions I feel towards this OW...ridiculous behaviour. DRAMA QUEEN indeed!

To the OP - please do get legal advice too. You have to think of your and your children's financial future. When all the drama has passed, then this will be the most important thing.

OW is a drama queen, definitely and a very annoying one too.

All the very best to the OP. x

Janey - he hasn't chosen you - the situation has meant that at present he has to stay with you.

Believe me - he would be with her if he could easily keep everything he has in terms of his children and his dignity.

You are swiftly losing yours.

Badinage and Xales. Simply put yes this husband is despicable...that is without a doubt. But no expectation should be laid at the OP's door to have any sense of responsibility for this OW's predicament. I hope the OP has the strength to get rid of him...but as to whether she advises him to go and help out the OW...well I wouldnt blame her if she doesnt.

Janey - You are not thinking clearly. You are in shock, the rug has been pulled from under your feet. It's understandable you want to believe what he is telling you.

From what you have posted so far, it's easier for us to give opinions because we are not living it. You are. But please listen to some of the posters on here who have been through similar.

From what I have read, from your posts, are that he is only with you now is because his son has said he will disown him, you have threatened to harm yourself. He has nowhere to go at the moment. He is not 'choosing' you over her, this doesn't mean he loves you more than her.

It's more convenient for him to be with you at the moment. If he knew that your DC's would be able to forgive him eventually and that you wouldn't hurt yourself over this, could you honestly believe he would still be there with you.

You are the innocent party here, but you are suffering the most. Yes, the OW may be pregnant, she might not. But these are two adults who willingly started a sordid relationship. She seems to be paying the price, your DH doesn't. You are shielding him from this by blaming it all on the OW. I bet she's not as unstable as he's making her out to be. He is certainly letting her believe you are the unstable one though isn't he? By hiding behind you, using you as an excuse not to face up to what he has done.

You cannot keep an eye on him forever, it will drive you crazy.

When you have had time to process all this, you will come to the realisation that it is better to be with someone who truely loves and want to be with you, than someone who has been forced. Because that is whats happening here.

One thing I can assure the OP is that when those two were fucking neither could give two stuffs about their respective spouses. Most OWs in my experience hold vindictive feelings towards the wife...

In my opinion it is reasonable of us to let the OP express her emotions and shock when that subsides maybe then she will be able to get rid of arse...if he chooses to 'support' this OW then good fuckin' luck to them. I am championing the OP's recovery and happy future ..

"Janey - he hasn't chosen you - the situation has meant that at present he has to stay with you."

He could leave very easily if he wanted to.

Sounds to me like he is choosing the life he had with the OP.

And that he has no interest in having a new baby to look after.

Well anyway, forgetting about OW and her dramas for now, think about you and your children. You think you want H, need H, but you don't really. Life is possible without a man, especially a cheating lying bastard like that. I'd find it almost impossible to forgive being bad-mouthed by my H - such a complete betrayal.

dH had an affair - dday was last June. Nothing like as bad as this but even so 9 months later, after he has done all the hard work, been to MC, changed his behaviour, gone totally NC, been 100% transparent to me, I am STILL not totally sure I want to stay with him. That is what infidelty does - blows things sky-high and when the pieces come back down to earth they might not be the way you want them to be.

good luck x

BTW I know you aren't supposed to hate OW but I admit I struggled with it at the time - have reached comfortable indifference now but it took time. So I don't blame you for that.

OP, can you not see that your DH is hiding behind you? He was coasting along, having a marvellous time, feeling flattered and having sex, then when the shit hits the fan, rather than manning up and coming clean he whips up all this drama, saying he hates her etc, knowing that you will prevent him from having contact therefore he's off the hook in terms of what happens next.

The OW is absolutely right, what he has done, and the way he has spoken about and to both of you, is despicable. Surely you can't have any respect for him? And if there's no respect, how can you be together?

You've raised two children to adulthood, you write clearly and intelligently. There are things you can do, this is your opportunity to be more than a doormat for your shit of a husband.

Sorry, meant to add that your panic and need to have him back will fade. It will get easier.

Janey
I'm a man, and I normally avoid these threads as I feel there can sometimes be a tendency to be too black and white and jump to conclusions.
In this case though it's easy to understand what is happening from a man's perspective and I hope it becomes clear to you one day:

• he never really loved her. He said all the things he needed to to shag her.
• he never really had any intention of leaving you. Why would he leave a comfortable home where all is looked after and he doesn't have to worry about anything? Plus, he can get all the sex he needs with a younger, more attractive (sorry), exciting person. (Apologies, I know that's not necessarily true, but that is how he would have felt)

So - if you don't want him to leave, he probably won't, and you can pretend everything is OK again.

But....

• someone who can be so utterly dismissive of his wife to someone else can never ever be trusted again. If he'd had any small remaining feelings for you, he would have at least answered less directly than he did when she asked about you. Instead he talked about you like you were worthless and below contempt.
• someone who immediately just tells someone to get an abortion to extricate himself from a situation is lacking in all human decency. Regardless of what her final decision may have been, this would have been a child, and a relation of your children. If they ever find that out, they may despise him for ever.
• he is following your orders to make life easy for him, not because he is particularly remorseful. Has he offered to go to counselling? Has he offered to leave until you make your mind up?

I know you would like to go back to normal, and maybe you can. But just be aware that your normal is not based on what you thought it was, but instead a weak, spineless twat who just wants dinner on the table.

As I said - I normally believe there are many extenuating circumstances when people have affairs so tend to avoid commenting here, but his behaviour since and during is enough to convince me that in all areas he is a complete wanker. You (and anyone else) deserves much much much better than this...

Good luck

Great post, MrMeaner.

I don't think he's chosen the op either. He's been found out and has slunk back from whence he came, because he can. And probably because if he didn't the ow's dh would lamp him.

In all seriousness, yes he could leave, but I daresay the little diddums himself is a bit shocked at what has happened and has retreated to lick his wounds. He may leave in the future, but in the here and now I wonder what he would do if janey actually kicked him out.

Bravo MrMeaner, nice to have a chap's thoughts.

He's not choosing janey, he's choosing the status quo.

My guess is that he wants to keep his marriage and replace the (current, doubt she's the first) girlfriend in time.

Do we know the baby is his?

I think MrMeaner makes some really good points.

OP, you're still projecting all your hatred towards the OW. Your H is equally responsible for this mess!!! He's got away with it scott free, because you are letting him.

I don't expect you to have sympathy for the OW's situation but she she's going through a despicable time, your H has just swanned back home where you're still waiting for him and doesn't have to take responsibly for anything. Once he's bored of you not letting him do anything he'll go again. I don't think he chose you at all.

I suppose what I'm struggling with is that they were away together on the Monday and Tuesday. Still declaring their love for each other in extremely emotional ways. By the Wednesday evening when we'd seen them and all had been revealed and we were in our way home and i was having panic attacks and being sick, he said he didn't love her anymore and to never contact him again.

Her DH found out about them about 6 weeks ago. She told him she'd finish it. Apparently he was sat in the car in our street one morning about to tell me but she stopped him after he phoned to tell her where he was and she said she would give my DH up but not to do that to my children. But she lied and her DH realised it was still going on and just snapped and ended up doing it.

My DH sent her DH a message saying he was sorry but he'd just fell in love with her and couldn't help it.

He sent OW a text the morning after I'd found out saying that I was threatening to kick him out - which I had - but he had nowhere to go and to just give him time to persuade me to let him stay and I was watching him like a hawk and not to contact him for a while. He genuinely does have nowhere to go. No real friends etc. all our money is tied up in the house. Our children's home.

Deep down he isn't happy and he loves her. I've got to live with that. I'm gathering strength.

Thank you all again.

He is pathetic.

I am sorry. Your children are adults. And your dh will have to find a new home for himself.