How do you manage to stay calm when your anger threatens?

[Binkyridesagain]

At some point this week I have a showdown with H, he was DH this morning but I have found out that he is a liar, so is now H, we have to talk at some point but my anger always gets the better of me and I begin to shout.

I found out this morning the H has been indulging in share dealing with money we do not have at a time when we where scraping together every penny (i believed) to raise funding for a disabled access bedroom for my DD.

We had shares that we had had for many years waiting for the rainy day which has arrived, we decided to sell them to fund the extension, whilst waiting for a few weeks for the price to rise a little and dealing with paperwork, H decided to indulge in a little bit of share gambling, not known to me, and bought £5000 worth of shares.

We do not and have never had £5000 that we could afford to lose, something when share dealing you have to accept. He spent OUR money without consulting me, has lied for 6 months about what money we have left in any of the accounts and has led me to believe that there is no money in the pot, whilst sitting on his own little pot of gold.

I only found out this piece of information when i found statements of his portfolio, I was not looking for them and had no suspicions.

He has previous for the underhanded tactics and lying but I thought (stupidly) that after talking, him supposedly understanding, that we had reached an agreement that we talk about things especially big stuff like this, and that lies and deciet have no place in our marriage. Obviously I was wrong.

I feel so stupid, i feel i don't know if my marriage is 'real', what other lies have i not found out about yet, how far does the deceit go.

I know we have to talk, I know that this could be make or break time, but i have no idea where to start, i have no idea what i want anymore.

I am 41, he was the only person i have trusted with my deepest secrets and i feel betrayed. What is it about me that people think they can hurt me and its okay to do that.

I'm sorry if I don't make sense, i need help and advice on how to stay calm and help on how to start this conversation off.

Your problem is not so much one of anger, is it?
It's whether you can trust your H or not.

As it is something that has been an issue, is this a dealbreaker for you?

I know the feeling that at some point you stop expecting things to get better and just give up trust.

Can you separate finances, if you are not prepared to separate at this time?

Make sure you give yourself some time and distance from him to gather your thoughts and decide what is best for you and your DD.

Try writing down what you want to say... say it.... then shout. That way you've got your point across and you've expressed your anger at the same time. Sling a holdall towards him at the same time so he can pack it and leave you to think. I don't personally think it's healthy to suppress anger.

"help on how to start this conversation off. "

How about... 'give me one good reason why I should ever believe anything you ever tell me again?' ....

He's just come home, after I asked him not to, so I'm upstairs trying to compose myself, which isn't easy before i face him.

I'm angry becaue he knows how difficult I find it to trust people and he has betrayed me, again. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here, I do know I don't want him here.

Gotta go he's coming

Hope you are shouting away because you have every right to be angry!

Good luck!

he's just left with a very large suitcase and a holdall.

I shouted, i was told to stop, i told him i wouldn't because i was boyond angry. Had a fag, calmed down a little and then told him that his excuses don't wash. No matter how he wants to dress it up or excuse it he has lied. I have seen him in a new light today and it is not pretty, he let DD empty her life savings to help finance the extension and he knew he we had the money to fund it. I didn't know that he could be so low, I don't think he knew himself.

The reasons for this behaviour - to shorten the time on the mortgage.

Deal with the lying h now and work on the shouting another day.

My h had form for lying and we ended up at Relate over it, where he lied for another month.

And I mean ALOT of form.

My tendency is to let things get too far, in that I used to let him get away with too much, and finally yell my head off when he went too far.

The trick, funnily enough, is to become more assertive sooner, and police your boundaries. Then it doesn't get to that stage. Also, when you yell, it makes him think you are the unreasonable one, and it gives him power. Think about that!

I would agree with onefewernow - anger is useless when it's crazed and not directed productively - your anger should be effective. If shouting is your method and you feel it takes away from your (in this case very valid) - a letter or an email?

But to be honest if I were in your shoes I would probably scream at him, kick him out and prod him in the balls for good measure.

Wow, Binky - wanted to come over here from the funny narc thread and share my condolences for a terrible time.

Truly shocking that he would allow a child to pay for something when he had the money all along.

Hope you are doing okay although I expect you are really shaky.